Fried Bologna: Some of the Worst Puns Ever

Private Eye Frank Chase and his partner/dog Max are on the case!

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Postby Padre on Wed Jan 17, 2001 1:02 am

Dear Accordion Dad;
Once again, you prove your masterful talent. I bow before you.
By the way, those same monks turned to baked haddock dinners on Fridays during Lent to raise money. But the dinners were always a source of division in the monastery. The priests argued over who would be the chip monks and the fish fryers!
------------------------------------------
Fresh cut Italian Bread. Two slices of Fried Bologna. One egg (over easy) fried in the Bologna grease. Make a sandwich and YUM!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that's Italian!<p>[This message has been edited by Padre (edited 01-17-2001).]
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Postby AccordionDad on Wed Jan 17, 2001 10:27 am

This is an all-time favorite. Just for Padre:<P>
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competion was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.<P>------------------
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Postby Johnski333 on Thu Jan 18, 2001 6:01 am

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!<P>-------------------------
Hey Padre? Where's the Franks Red Hot
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Postby AccordionDad on Thu Jan 18, 2001 7:30 am

I can't give away all my good puns right away. Here's a pretty good one to tide you over:<P>Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately
destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.<P>My second-favorite childhood breakfast, Mexican Hats:<P>Lightly butter a frying pan. throw four thick (Oscar Meyer is a good choice). Let sizzle for 20 seconds, then flip. Allow to sizzle unti the edges curl up and the middle develops a bubble. It will, trust me.<P>Remove the bologna and add the scrambled egg mixture of your choice (eggs, eggs and milk, eggs, milk and cheese....). Scramble to desired scrambledness.<P>Serve two "hats" with a scoop of eggs. It's a happy, happy thing.<P>Coming soon: Googy Eggs<P>------------------
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Postby TheBlackCupid on Mon Jan 22, 2001 4:07 am

A man was reading his local newspaper and saw they were holding a contest: whoever could submit the best puns would win a prize of $100 dollars. Excited, he leaped out of his chair and ran to his study. For the rest of the day, he worked tirelessly, rifling through his dictionary and thesaurus, to come up with the perfect pun. Finally, on the break of morning, he had managed to come up with ten of what he thought were the most perfect puns ever created. He personally headed down to the newspaper's offices and dropped off his submission. with bated breath, he waited until Tuesday, when the winners would be announced. Finally when the day arrived, he eagerly snatched up his paper and tore through to the page that announced the winners, frantic to see which of the ten puns he had submitted had won. However, his hopes were destroyed when he discovered that no pun in ten did.<P>------------------
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Postby AccordionDad on Mon Jan 22, 2001 5:42 am

I like to think our intelligent banter in this subject helped inspire today's (1/22) names.<P>By the way, Mr. Milligan, Sam Serif called to say hi.<P>------------------
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Postby DrScottie on Wed Jan 24, 2001 9:11 am

Three pieces of string were crawling along a dusty road one day, the sun
beating down upon them and making them miserable. As they crawled into a
town, one string said to another: "Boy, I'm thirsty! I wonder where I
could get a beer around here?"<P>Just then the string looked across the street and saw a bar with a sign
in the window that said NO STRINGS SERVED HERE. The first string decided
to try to get served anyway. He crawled into the bar and got up on the
stool. "Bartender, I'll have a beer," he said.<P>The bartender eyed the string warily, then said: "Wait a minute. You're
a string aren't you?." When the string told him yes, the bartender said
"Get out of here - we don't serve your kind here." Dejected, the string
left and told his friends what happened.<P>The second string said "What?! They can't do that to you... it's against
your rights! I'm going in there and *demand* that they serve me!!" With
this the second string entered the bar, climbed up on the stool, and said
"Barenter, I want a beer."<P>The bartender looked at the string and said "Wait a minute... you're a
string, aren't you?"<P>"Yes," answered the second string. "And don't try to tell me that you
won't serve me. It's against the law!" The bartender didn't even listen
to the string; he merely tossed him outside.<P>When the second string explained what had happened, the third string said
"You guys are going about this all wrong. Let me show you how to get
served." He tied himself into a big bow, frizzed up his hair, and went
into the bar. He then climbed up onto a barstool and said "Bartender,
I'd like to have a beer, please."<P>The bartender looked at him and said "Wait a second... you're a string,
aren't you?"<P>The string looked back at the bartender and answered, "No, I'm afraid not."<P>------------------
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Postby Johnski333 on Wed Jan 24, 2001 10:24 am

I'm a frayed knot . . . hee hee<P>------------------
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Postby Johnski333 on Fri Jan 26, 2001 2:15 am

We have to keep this thread up and running because we all know that seven days without a pun makes one weak.<P> <IMG SRC="http://www.keenspot.com/KeenBoard/rolleyes.gif"><P>------------------
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Postby Lord Emsworth on Fri Jan 26, 2001 6:24 am

Radio comedian Fred Allen had this to say about puns:
"Hangings too good for a man who makes puns. He deserves to be drawn and quoted."
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Postby Spasecat on Tue Feb 13, 2001 9:34 am

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew this and would always have
the drink waiting at 5:00. One afternoon as the end of the work day
approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of
hazelnuts. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory
nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his usual time, took one
sip of the drink, and said, "Why, this isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No,"
replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
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Postby Spasecat on Tue Feb 13, 2001 10:20 am

And on a lighter note......<P>
A Cherokee indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.
The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the chief was so elated he
built her a teepee made of buffalo hide. A few days later, the second
squaw gave birth, and also had a boy. The chief was extremely happy;
he built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third squaw gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the
birth details a secret. He built the woman a teepee out of
hippopotamus hide, and challenged the people in the tribe to guess the
most recent birth details, the correct guesser receiving a fine prize.
Several of his people tried, but were unsuccessful in their guesses.
Finally, a young brave came forth and declared that the third wife had
delivered twin boys. "Correct"!, cried the chief. "How did you know"?
"It's simple", replied the warrior. "The value of the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."<P>
Thank you New York......G'Nite!!!
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Postby Padre on Thu Feb 15, 2001 7:33 am

Well, it seems the warrior chief couldn't sleep after this encounter. He kept dreaming he was either a wigwam or a teepee. So he went to the medicine man and sought relief.
As he explained the situation to the medicine man, the doc exclaimed, "I have it. You're just two tents!" [Too tense, get it?]
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Postby Bertman on Thu Feb 15, 2001 7:57 am

Wow, I have heard all these puns before, but not as eloquently. Particularly the one about the ten puns, that is one of my dad's favorites. Great job.<P> <IMG SRC="http://www.keenspot.com/KeenBoard/smile.gif"><P>This is my first post, even though I've been reading this comic and Cool Cat Studio for the past 2 weeks -- it's a great way to pass the time when you are a network engineer and the network is not giving any problems at the time <IMG SRC="http://www.keenspot.com/KeenBoard/smile.gif">.
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Postby AccordionDad on Fri Feb 16, 2001 4:23 am

So there were these two clams, Sam Clam and Joe Clam. Joe was a good clam, Sam was not a nice clam, but they were best friends anyway. After they died, Joe Clam went to heaven, but his friend Sam, um, didn't. In heaven one day, Joe heard that his friend had opened a dance parlor down in h-e-double-hockey-sticks, and asked St. Peter for permission to visit him there. Pete said, "Sure, but make sure to carry your harp so everyone there knows you're an angel, and so we know to let you back in through the pearly gates when you come home."<P>Well, Joe had a great time visiting Sam, stayed too long and had to rush to get back by his appointed hour. But when he showed up at the pearly gates, the gatekeeper said "Sorry, clam, I can't let you in unless you can prove you're an angel". It was then that Joe realized he'd left his proof of angelhood back at the dance hall, and he cried out "Oh, No!....<P>I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"<P>(With apologies to Mister Bennett)<P>------------------
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Postby Max the Dog on Fri Feb 16, 2001 8:03 am

Hey folks,<P>Y'know, these stories remind me of my crazy cousin Herschel. Herschel used to talk in his sleep, you see. Once, he said, "I've written a best-seller!" I said, "No you haven't." And Herschel reached out and punched me in the nose. Then, still in dreamland, Herschel said, "I've just returned from the moon!" When I commented that he obviously hadn't, he kicked me in the stomach with a hind leg. When he commented, still asnooze, that he'd just been elected Mayor of New York City, I decided it was best to let sleeping dogs lie.
<P>------------------
-- Max<P>Go read <A HREF="http://www.lostandfoundcomic.com" TARGET=_blank>Lost & Found Investigations</A> already!
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Postby Johnski333 on Fri Feb 16, 2001 9:00 am

For the pun continuance:<P>A pet shop held a competition to win a parrot. You could enter without buying anything, because there was no perches necessary.<P>And Max, <P>Were you born able to speak, or did Frank teach you to speak with multiple dogbones and a repetitive "Speak! . . . Speak! . . . Speak Max! . . . Speak!" to which you replied?
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Postby Johnski333 on Fri Feb 16, 2001 9:08 am

Did you hear about the television weatherman who was involved in an accident, and broke both his arms and both legs?
He had to call in from the hospital to explain the four casts.<P>------------------
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Postby Spasecat on Wed Feb 21, 2001 8:29 am

....Sam clam's disco.....<P>never gets old...<P>------------------
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Postby Johnski333 on Thu Feb 22, 2001 7:09 am

What did the papa buffalo say to the baby buffalo before he went off to work?<P>Bison
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Postby DrScottie on Fri Feb 23, 2001 8:18 am

For Milligan:
"The guy who draws pictures of suspects is a con artist!"<P>For Accordion Dad:
"A backwards poet writes inverse!"<P>For Padre:
"A Dog Named Mace
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in his back yard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so decided to call it a day. That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the back yard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked up at the heavens and proclaimed......
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me!" <IMG SRC="http://www.keenspot.com/KeenBoard/biggrin.gif"><P>------------------
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Postby Padre on Fri Feb 23, 2001 8:23 am

Dear DrScottie,
<FONT SIZE = 180> <FONT COLOR = GREEN> BRAVO, You Genius, you!</FONT></FONT>
i'm so <FONT SIZE = 180><FONT COLOR = PURPLE> <FONT = ITALIC> PROUD </FONT></FONT></FONT> of you!!!!!
God Grace and Bless + you!!!!!<P>[This message has been edited by Padre (edited 02-23-2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Padre (edited 02-23-2001).]
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Postby Padre on Fri Feb 23, 2001 8:26 am

A Grazing Mace<P>Hee-Hee-Hee
Hee-Hee-Hee
<IMG SRC="http://www.keenspot.com/KeenBoard/biggrin.gif"><p>[This message has been edited by Padre (edited 02-23-2001).]
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Postby Max the Dog on Fri Feb 23, 2001 12:32 pm

This isn't something that I'm proud of but...<P>A while back I thought I was Mickey Mouse. Then a week later I thought I was Donald Duck! Finally, a few days later I went to see the doctor when I thought I was Winnie The Pooh!<P>Boy, was I relieved when the Doc told me I was just having Disney spells!<P><P>------------------
-- Max<P>Go read <A HREF="http://www.lostandfoundcomic.com" TARGET=_blank>Lost & Found Investigations</A> already!
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Postby Donna on Sat Apr 21, 2001 12:32 am

The other day I was driving down a country road and, in the middle of this huge meadow, a farmer was just standing with his arms crossed, fixedly staring at nothing. At first I thought it was a scarecrow, but as I looked I realized that it was definitely a live man. So I'm watching him as I drive by, and he's not moving, and I'm thinking, "Well, did he just lose his horse? Is he okay? Is he waiting for something to happen? What is he staring at??"
I turned around, drove back a bit and pulled over. I walked over to him, which took a few mintues since he was literally in the middle of nowhere. When I got to him I excused myself and apologised for interrupting him(?), and asked him if he needed help. He said no, he was just fine. I asked him if he was lost. he said, "No, I own this land."
I asked him how long he had been standing there. He said, "Three days." I thought, okay, he's demented, and I asked him gently and politely what he was doing just standing there in the middle of this meadow, which was empty of any crops. He told me he was trying to win the Nobel Prize. Being totally confused and convinced that he was a total wacko, I asked how in the world he thought this was possible, and he explained...<P>"They always give the Nobel Prize to someone who is out standing in their field."
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