[FANFIC] Every Time She Closed Her Eyes

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[FANFIC] Every Time She Closed Her Eyes

Postby DasteRoad on Mon May 08, 2006 1:41 pm

Hello there, uhm... I'm DasteRoad, and it's the first time I post in Mayhem forums, but as I understood, fanfiction about EGS has to be posted in here, so... here I go :)

This fanfiction, although I am not really sure if I should call it like that, was inspired by these two comics:
http://www.egscomics.com/d/20031016.html
http://www.egscomics.com/d/20031017.html
This is one of the moments, at the very beginning of Painted Black, which most of all sent my imagination on fire. Now and then the words, the thoughts and similitudes began to pop in my mind, and soon I felt the need to write. What I tried to do is to communicate what I felt during my personal travel through Grace
Last edited by DasteRoad on Tue May 09, 2006 11:26 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Postby Atashi-Cloud on Mon May 08, 2006 2:12 pm

:o o emm gee....okay, I'm sorry, but I seriously have to applaud you for this story. This is the sort of stuff I love to read when I look for fanfics and stories....heck, reading it was just enough, but I read it again and I realized that one of the songs I was listening to fitted this perfectly...

Click on the song: The World. I found that this song's haunting tune and lyrics fit it so well...

*sniffs, then applaudes* Well done, I believe you've done what you feared you couldn't do...^^
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Postby DasteRoad on Mon May 08, 2006 2:59 pm

Uhm, er... thanks a lot, Atashi-Cloud! Now I'm blushing :oops:

I usually have a lot of trouble finding fanfics I like about stuff I like... I don't know you, but I usually find just poorly-written stories about poorly-believable pairings, even if there are some nice exceptions to the rule (for instance, very nice fanfiction about EGS may be found here: http://home.nethere.net/homernet/fiction/other/elgoonishshive/index.html It is written by HomerNet, also a forum member :)). I had this story in mind from a couple of weeks, and I really wanted to put it down so... I'm really glad that you enjoyed it, I mean it :)

And I also have to thank you for the recommended song, "the World"! I downloaded it and I have to say... wow :o you are right: it's amazing and perfectly fits the mood of the story.
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Postby Atashi-Cloud on Mon May 08, 2006 3:03 pm

^^ well, in any case, I'm hoping people pick up this thread and read it...it's amazing for a short story, but I'd like to ask ya one thing.

Are you going to do more?

and if the answer is no, I just want to say that I'll put it in my sig so I can re-read it when I want to...^^;

as for the song...well, I...:oops: kinda had a bit of an issue figuring out what to choose, and it came up on my CD player...soon enough, I was halfway through the song and nearly finished with your story when it hit me how complimentary they were...
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"Your mistakes were twofold, I'm afraid. You sprung your trap without looking to see if the game you hunted was the one you'd snare. And you sold me short. I'm no thief. I'm a Sky Pirate." --- Balthier
Y'know, I thought I'd be angrier, what with the utter humiliation and loss of my tail. Or maybe I'm just so unbelievably enraged that I've come full-circle. ---Vegeta, DBZ Abridged
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Postby DasteRoad on Mon May 08, 2006 3:42 pm

Atashi-Cloud wrote:Are you going to do more?


Well, the fact is: I *love* writing. I do it all the time, even when I'm on the bus on my way to university :nervous:
And another fact is: EGS, with its deep, developed and believable characters, is an excellent source for inspiration :)
I must say that this is the first time I write fanfiction, and I had lots of fun doing it... so yes, I think I will do it again :)

I have already a few ideas in mind, but I need to flesh them out better so... just stay tuned, I suppose :)

Atashi-Cloud wrote:and if the answer is no, I just want to say that I'll put it in my sig so I can re-read it when I want to...^^;


uhm... oh my gosh :o
I don't know if I should blush :oops: or just be a bit perplexed! What I know, though, is that it would be a veeery long signature, so perhaps it's not a good idea! :wink:
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Postby Q99 on Mon May 08, 2006 4:00 pm

Indeed, really good.

Since you asked, there are a couple language things I'll point out.

-now mr Verres had gone away with a few mysterious and ill-foreboding words,-

Normally, Mr is capitalized.

-she could not only trasform into half-squirrel, -

Should be "transform"

-Istinctively, the confused lad stretched out his hands to brush against her shoulders,-

Should be 'instinctively'.

-
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Postby Atashi-Cloud on Mon May 08, 2006 7:09 pm

Q99 wrote:Overall, though, *very* good story. If you write more, I'd love to read them.


Seconded!

^^ hehe.
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"Your mistakes were twofold, I'm afraid. You sprung your trap without looking to see if the game you hunted was the one you'd snare. And you sold me short. I'm no thief. I'm a Sky Pirate." --- Balthier
Y'know, I thought I'd be angrier, what with the utter humiliation and loss of my tail. Or maybe I'm just so unbelievably enraged that I've come full-circle. ---Vegeta, DBZ Abridged
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Postby 10.0.0.1 on Mon May 08, 2006 11:51 pm

All right I'll admit to a tear reading that, it is a great story and completely in character for Grace and Tedd at that moment.
Bravo, great work.
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Postby DasteRoad on Tue May 09, 2006 12:27 am

Q99 wrote:-now mr Verres had gone away with a few mysterious and ill-foreboding words,-

Normally, Mr is capitalized.


Uh thank you, I must admit I didn't know it ^^'
And I hate spelling errors that "cleverly hide from me in plain sight".
Thanks for the tips :)

[quote="Q99"]-
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Postby DasteRoad on Tue May 09, 2006 12:39 am

10.0.0.1 wrote:All right I'll admit to a tear reading that, it is a great story and completely in character for Grace and Tedd at that moment.
Bravo, great work.


I'll admit to it too, while I was reading it again to translate it I had this lump in my throat that :cry: poor me, I get a bit too much involved sometimes :nervous:

Anyway I am very moved, thank you! :oops:
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Postby Q99 on Tue May 09, 2006 7:55 am

DasteRoad wrote:Well, I must say this was difficult to translate from Italian. I had lots of trouble in finding words that truly conveyed what I meant, and the following paragraph was even more troublesome, as subtle meanings and definitions do not quite overlap between the two languages.

I chose "strange" from the Italian "strana", which in the original version stood for something like: I am not really sure I understand what you're going through, and you wouldn't tell me, but I can clearly feel that something is wrong, because you look troubled and you behave very differently than usual. So yes, it fell under the "to say you don't understand their emotion state" category. Hope I was clear somehow :nervous:

Instead of "strange", the words "odd" and "weird" also came to my mind, but I don't know if they would be more fitting, and I also wanted to communicate a feeling of affection, albeit a confused one.


Hmm... I think this is a case where it just works better in Italian than English.

Now that I see what you're trying to convey, I can say that 'strange' probably isn't what someone would say (it's also a fairly mild word), but I'm having trouble thinking of an english counterpart that would express the sentiment. Maybe "you're... troubled.", which doesn't pack the same punch but is clearer and more understandable.
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Postby DasteRoad on Tue May 09, 2006 11:19 am

Q99 wrote:Hmm... I think this is a case where it just works better in Italian than English.

Now that I see what you're trying to convey, I can say that 'strange' probably isn't what someone would say (it's also a fairly mild word), but I'm having trouble thinking of an english counterpart that would express the sentiment. Maybe "you're... troubled.", which doesn't pack the same punch but is clearer and more understandable.

I have to agree with you, it definitively works better like this. Thanks for all the assistance! :D

Translating is like a frustrating quest to put your mind inside out (or upside down, for that matter)... moreover when it comes to sensations. I had *lots* of trouble with the final part of the story, poor me :o
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Postby Q99 on Wed May 10, 2006 7:04 am

DasteRoad wrote:I have to agree with you, it definitively works better like this. Thanks for all the assistance! :D

Translating is like a frustrating quest to put your mind inside out (or upside down, for that matter)... moreover when it comes to sensations. I had *lots* of trouble with the final part of the story, poor me :o



Glad to be of help :)


Overall, you did a really, really good job translating IMO, you conveyed their feelings and such with skill.
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Postby DasteRoad on Wed May 10, 2006 11:15 am

Q99 wrote:Overall, you did a really, really good job translating IMO, you conveyed their feelings and such with skill.


'Thanks' is all I have to say :oops:

Conveying feelings is just what I wanted to do, and I'm glad to know I did it somehow. I hope I'll have enough time/energies to post some more stories soon :)
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Postby tamuru on Sat May 13, 2006 7:54 pm

wow
sniffle
that is the best egs fanfig i have read ever.
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Postby DasteRoad on Sun May 14, 2006 10:04 am

tamuru wrote:wow
sniffle
that is the best egs fanfig i have read ever.


:o

You are aware that this comment is going to boost my ego up to dangerous levels *and* motivate me into harassing this poor forum with more of my ramblings, yes?? :oops: *blushing*

Thanks tamuru, really. Writing means a lot to me, even when it's fanfiction. It is nice to know that somehow the words can make sense for someone else rather than me. Thanks again.

EDIT: I noticed that you are *very* new here! Did you go to the newbie intro thread to get your cool stuff and some bunny-glomps? :)
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Postby Atashi-Cloud on Tue Jun 13, 2006 11:25 am

*res'd*

sorry, had to do it...so everyone can get a chance to read this story also...^^;
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Postby WerePigeon467 on Tue Jun 13, 2006 1:26 pm

DasteRoad, you know I loved this one, yes? :D :D

Atashi-Cloud wrote:*res'd*

sorry, had to do it...so everyone can get a chance to read this story also...^^;


??...
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Postby DasteRoad on Tue Jun 13, 2006 1:33 pm

WerePigeon467 wrote:DasteRoad, you know I loved this one, yes? :D :D

Yes I do. I'm reading it once more and I feel I'm about to do the one thing I shouldn't do (this: :cry:).

WerePigeon467 wrote:
Atashi-Cloud wrote:*res'd*

sorry, had to do it...so everyone can get a chance to read this story also...^^;


??...

What Atashi-Cloud has done is called "resurrecting a thread". When someone posts in a thread that wasn't touched in a while, the thread is "bumped" up to the 1st page: this way there's a higher chance that someone will notice and read it.

Of course, I really have to bow to your necromantic powers, Atashi (my reaction in seeing the thread on the 1st page was this: :o).
This was a really pleasant surprise. You are very kind and understanding, thank you :oops:
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Postby WerePigeon467 on Tue Jun 13, 2006 1:49 pm

DasteRoad wrote:What Atashi-Cloud has done is called "resurrecting a thread". When someone posts in a thread that wasn't touched in a while, the thread is "bumped" up to the 1st page: this way there's a higher chance that someone will notice and read it.


Now I understand :) .

DasteRoad wrote:Of course, I really have to bow to your necromantic powers, Atashi (my reaction in seeing the thread on the 1st page was this: :o).
This was a really pleasant surprise. You are very kind and understanding, thank you :oops:


NOO, Atashi!! Don't do it! Don't give up! She's a powerful witch who is going to steal your necromantic powers and secrets as soon as she can!! But now that I broke free from her secret dungeon and my WerePigeon mates helped me arrive here, I can blame her and make her go away from here!! Go away, witch!! You've been discovered!!! :evilgrin:
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Postby Atashi-Cloud on Tue Jun 13, 2006 2:21 pm

WerePigeon467 wrote:NOO, Atashi!! Don't do it! Don't give up! She's a powerful witch who is going to steal your necromantic powers and secrets as soon as she can!! But now that I broke free from her secret dungeon and my WerePigeon mates helped me arrive here, I can blame her and make her go away from here!! Go away, witch!! You've been discovered!!! :evilgrin:


er....who says I train others in how to do that? only reason people notice it is if it's unexpected....>.> which is why I suddenly feel a lot happier now to be able to let others read this fic.^^; raising a thread like this really does feel good.
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"Your mistakes were twofold, I'm afraid. You sprung your trap without looking to see if the game you hunted was the one you'd snare. And you sold me short. I'm no thief. I'm a Sky Pirate." --- Balthier
Y'know, I thought I'd be angrier, what with the utter humiliation and loss of my tail. Or maybe I'm just so unbelievably enraged that I've come full-circle. ---Vegeta, DBZ Abridged
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Postby WerePigeon467 on Wed Jun 14, 2006 12:50 am

Atashi-Cloud wrote:er....who says I train others in how to do that? only reason people notice it is if it's unexpected....>.> which is why I suddenly feel a lot happier now to be able to let others read this fic.^^; raising a thread like this really does feel good.


I warned you :shifty: Now, I must go! *goes away with a black cloak and hits the wall another time*
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Postby DasteRoad on Wed Jun 14, 2006 3:45 am

WerePigeon467 wrote:
Atashi-Cloud wrote:er....who says I train others in how to do that? only reason people notice it is if it's unexpected....>.> which is why I suddenly feel a lot happier now to be able to let others read this fic.^^; raising a thread like this really does feel good.


I warned you :shifty: Now, I must go! *goes away with a black cloak and hits the wall another time*

Don't scare my readers, you :P
*puts ice on poor WerePigeon's bump on the head*
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Postby WerePigeon467 on Wed Jun 14, 2006 7:16 am

DasteRoad wrote:Don't scare my readers, you :P
*puts ice on poor WerePigeon's bump on the head*


Ouch! That hurted... :( :cry: uhahaaaa!
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Postby DasteRoad on Thu Jun 15, 2006 5:17 am

WerePigeon467 wrote:Ouch! That hurted... :( :cry: uhahaaaa!

Oh, there, there. It's over now.
*offers bowl of cherries as a consolation*
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