Have at thee, Loxley! Your own epic, sucka. (OTish)

[nslashk]

This is annoying, sure, and apologies if you've come along and suffered, but I always make good on my threats. n/k. Text ripping-off Loxley's Something Completely Different and Mirror, Mirror follows.. Sorry, Lox.

"Something Completely Non-Different, On Reflection" by n/k

CANTO I -=- 'CarQuest SUV'

Chaos from ord'nary things springs,
Just when least expected, of all things,
Bad luck it is not, nor even ironic,
These events occur purely for the comic.

So then we begin our parody, our amusing tale
It's about a time when Kevin and Denise fail
To find their way on a car journey, and to incense their pain..
The following events all occur in the pouring rain

"Call me Lieutenant" Kevin begun,
"Okay" said Denise, "this'll be fun",
"The car will be our starship, the roads our space,
I'm taking a nap, wake me when we get to my place".

And so Denise slept, or as Kevin called it 'pod-hibernated'
While Kevin solely drove and navigated
But difficulties came: road, car, map and rain,
That and being forced to endure narration in rhyming quatrains

Kevin begun to feel sleepy too, he saw the upcoming danger
To Driver Fatigue Death statistics he was no stranger
He needed fresh air, he needed distraction,
Kevin needed to wake himself up; Kevin took action.

He turned the radio up and put the window down
But all he got was wet and the commentary of some overpaid talkback clown
"No gays in the army" the radio shockjock was heard to say
Kevin muttered "Like you'd be able to make them wear the uniforms anyway"

Kevin pushed the Window Up button, and out shot a spark
The car stalled on the spot, the headlights went dark
"Idiot!" Kevin muttered, "using electrics with water"
"Some Engineer I am, fix this I oughta"

But then Kevin gazed out the window, just as lightn'ng strikes
Cats hate the wet, and even more particularly the wet nights
He turned to look at Denise, so deep in her slumber
"I'll do it all myself" he said, "with tasks I shan't her lumber"

Kevin unbuckled his belt and tried to open the door
But with the electrics, it did open no more
Kevin started to climb out the open window with dismay
"Why me?" he complained; "Because you're the main character" we say.

Thunder struck, Kevin finally egressed
With bitter regret he noted how unsuitably he was dressed
No rainponcho, no sweater, only a jacket of leather
Which would no doubt be ruined by such inclement weather

"Deal with it later" Kevin decided to rationalise
While he wiped the falling water from his tired eyes,
He wandered to the front of the car, tried to prop open the hood
He strained and strained and strained and strained, but all for no good.

"Idiot!" he said a second time, "the hood release!"
"But maybe I don't have to climb back in, maybe Denise
Can pull the lever for me, should she awaken
She's slept enough by now, surely I'm not mistaken"

But wrong Kevin was, Denise slept on,
And Kevin the bonnet sullenly leant upon,
Now completely soaked, things could surely get no worse
Or so he thought; just you wait for the next verse.

A car approacheth! Kevin, raise the distress!
It might stop and help, you may meet with success!
Kevin stepped out and waved his arms for it to stop
It sprayeth him with mud, went on; Kevin onto his tail did drop.

Kevin said things now both crude and undignified
They shan't be repeated here; pretend he just sighed
He got to his feet, wiped off the mud,
Took off his jacket, inspected it for crud.

"Totally ruined" he said at last,
"And me without a solution, which I'll need fast
For though it can't get any worse and I can get no wetter
It's still beyond me how it can now possibly get better"

Kevin walked to the other side of the SUV
Crouched by the window to see if his dozing girlfriend he could see
"Looks even more beautiful sleeping" he said with sweet regret
"No, I won't give up, I can't let her down yet"

All of a sudden came thunder louder than the last
Fate decided Denise was to awaken after all, the die is cast
She awoke with a start, and jumpeded with fear
For she awoke alone, Kevin was not near

And yet so mistaken, sweet lady! You do Kevin wrong
He's been there, present, all along
Turn your head ever so slightly, gaze out window with easy stare
You'll find the object of your desires standing silently there

"Kevin!" shrieked Denise, noting him downtrodden and wet
"What's going on?" she asked. "Tell me, my pet"
"Car broke down" Kevin replied, "I'm trying to fix it
I hope it's not a write-off, I don't wanna nix it"

"I'm sure it'll be fine" Denise replied, "but how about you?
Standing there in the rain, fur all drenched through
Why didn't you wake me Kevin? I could have helped you, why not make me arise?"
"You look so beautiful when you sleep" Kevin replied, gazing into her eyes

Life in today's world is like none of times past managed,
Men do no duels, nor place their capes on the floor to secure womens' passage,
Equality says men are no longer, for women, to hold open doors
Women may now carry briefcases and men do household chores

And yet in this world, chivraly still is found
Take note of Kevin, his place on muddy ground
Juxtapose it with sweet Denise, warm and safe in car
Chivraly exists, and from love it is not far

For though neither's said those 'three little words' yet
And might not even for some time still
Both Kevin and Denise love like Romeo and Juliet
And they know they always will

Kevin wiped some water from his whiskers and let out a wry laugh
"Did you notice the rhyming scheme changed just then in that last paragraph?"
"Shush, Kevin, you're killing the mood" Denise begun,
"And anyway, it's a 'stanza' not a paragraph, for one"

"Anyway, I'd better go get a tow truck" Kevin said, gazing down the road
"I can't get this baby to move, she'll have to be towed"
Denise put her hand against the window, and Kevin touched the glass
No contact between them came, and yet they shared something as the moment passed

For in the moment, though apart, something of them did meet
It warmed Kevin's heart, and he set off down the street
The rain bothered him no more, nor even the difficulties his future task
He smiled as he went into the storm; true feelings too, and not some bitter mask

For Kevin was happy, and Denise happy too
Though actually for a different reason, one that Kevin never knew
Denise never slept at all; the whole thing was a sham
"Like Hell I'd go out in the rain" she said, "what kind of fool do you think I am?"

CANTO II - 'The Other Way'

They eventually arrived at their destination, Richter
And Denise emerged from the towed SUV, pretty as a picture
"Oh, for crying out loud" she said, "we're still doing this rhyming crap"
"NOW who's killing the mood?" Kevin mischieviously asked, folding up a road map

"These rhymes are getting annoying" she said, following him up the stairs
"I know, Denise" he said, "but honestly, who cares
Whether some jerk can string along a few words in a poem
He's obviously got an inferiority complex as we can tell from his need to show 'em"

"The fad will pass soon enough" Kevin said, opening up his dorm door
He took his wet jacket off and dumped it on the floor
Denise picked the jacket up and draped it over a chair
She spread the fabric evenly; it would dry better there

And the narration continued in poet-frickin-try
And in that previous line an example of tmesis you will see
And ..for crying out loud, how can it have come down to this?
How the story's being told should never come before what it is.

So sorry, dear reader, let us commence again,
Kevin and Denise enter Richter, glad to be out of the rain
Denise uses the bathroom, Kevin changes into dry clothes
And conversation resumes, we can suppose

"Hey Kevin" Denise begun, a look of puzzlement on her face
"Yes, Denise?" Kevin replied, pulling on a T-shirt that said 'All Your Base'
"I've always wondered something, something I don't quite know how to say
What if we lived in another place, one where the water went down the toilet The Other Way?"

"Spiralled in the other direction as it left?" Kevin wondered, confused
"Yes" replied Denise, "I've always wanted to see the Coriolis Effect used"
"Good grief" said Kevin with a frown as he stroked his chin
"It would be weird for starters, I wouldn't know where to begin"

"That's what I'm getting at" Denise said, gently touching his arm
"Let's try it" she said, "what could be the harm?
"We can rig the toilet here to do it, we'll make some strange device
There's plenty of equipment in the room right here that would suffice"

So with armfuls of stuff to the bathroom they did both proceed
With pulley, magnet and gaff tape they did embark on their deed
Half an hour of hammering, twenty minutes of fidgeting followed
The deed was finally done; they stood back and tentatively swallowed

"Do we dare disturb the Universe?" Kevin quietly said with awe
As he stared at the confused mess of a machine that they'd built on the floor
"Toying with such forces" Denise begun, "does seem most unnatural
But wacky plots will certainly ensue and our obligation is contractual"

Oh! Into what sad Fate our protagonists have been tossed
Where in becoming main characters their freedom they have lost
For what good does it do a man to gain the entire world's appreciation
If he loses free will over his own actions and acts according to another's inclination?

Such is Kevin and Denise's loss though, let us make no half-measure
Their reward is us knowing their names; their punishment lies in always being cast together
To common people like you and me it all seems to peculiar and strange
When Kevin throws his arms up in exasperation and says "Let me extend my range!"

Sayeth Kevin: "I have more to my personality than wise-crack and video game!"
Sayeth Denise: "Says you, wearing an All Your Base T-shirt which is lame"
Sayeth I: "Quiet suckers, being mine you'll do all that I have taught"
Sayeth Vince and Loxley: "Copyright lawyers, n/k, do not settle out of court"

A knock at the bathroom door came - and then voice of Scott
"Hurry up in there guys - I need to use the can, go on, get back to the plot"
Kevin took Denise's hand in his and then reached for the flush
"Let's do this" he said tensely, and on the lever he did push

The toilet flushed, the machine kicked in, the water went The Other Way
Kevin and Denise gripped each other in fear, then slowly released in dismay
For the water disappeared and .. nothing happened, nothing happened at all
"Worth a try" Kevin begun sadly, when through the door Scott again did call

"Oi, mate!" he said, "Come on, in there! I really need the dunny!"
Kevin opened the door, "Sure thing Scott, but that fake Aussie accent isn't funny"
"Don't know what you're going on about, sport" said Scott as went in and closed the door
"Peculiar" said Denise with a frown, as she walked back up the Richter floor

To Kevin's door she did proceed, and then started back with fear
For in there she heard Brad's accent most Southern .. not in state, but hemisphere
"G'day, Tony" Brad was heard to say, "pass me another tinny, bro"
"Sorry, mate" Tony replied, "we're out, I'm off down bottle-o"

The door opened and out walked Tony, looking same as the "yooge"
Big chest, neatly dressed, no doubt about to trip over his own shoes
And yet something different all the same, something that didn't quite register
"G'day Kevin" he said, "nice to see you and your sheila together"

"Hey, Tony" Kevin said, "Good friend, tell me, where are you going?"
Though from what he'd heard he had the slightest suspicion of knowing
"Down bottle-o" Tony replied, "garn get another slab"
"We're out of tinnies, and maybe a few extra stubbies I'd better nab"

"You're drinking beer?!" Denise spluttered, half petrified
"You're under age! You can't do that!" she exclaimed, gazing with eyes wide
"Beg yours?" said Tony, "What're you saying? You know I'm over eighteen"
"A lower drinking age and awful accents!" exclaimed Kevin, "you know what this has to mean"

"I think I do" begun Denise, "but tell me all the same"
"Why do our friends act like this, is it some childish game?"
"Sadly not" Kevin muttered, "our friends, they are not playin'
I don't know how it happened, Denise, but now they're all Australian"

Suddenly Dani called "Cooee, you lot, come on, down the corroborree"
"I have a few things I wanna say, and your presence I wanna see"
"But I was garn down bottle-o" Tony begun, his face all but in dismay
"Can't it wait, Dani, we'll shout you a few coldies, what you say?"

Dani's expression clouded over, she walked over and popped Tony one in the sneezer
"I'm a sheila, you drongo" she snarled, "I only go the Stoli and Bacardi Breezer"
"Sorry, shirl" Tony said, again getting to his feet
"Let's get this business done, I'll get the beer after the meet"

Dani led the others down to the lounge and turned off the telly
"Pay attention" she said to Biff, "you set down those snags and quit stuffing your belly"
"No way you'll be getting me away from this barbie" came his gruff reply
"You'd better obey her, Biff" Scott warned, "or you won't stay dinky-di"

Fair dinkum, I tell you, Dani strolled on over and hit him for six
Biff grunted "Crikey" to himself as he collided with the bricks
"Now onto matters of the meeting" Dani begun
"ANZAC day's coming up, need volunteers for two-up. Someone?"

"What's two-up?" Denise asked, a little confused
Her query was met with the stare of Dani, less than enthused
"Why're you talking like a Yank?" Dani asked suspiciously
Denise quickly replied "Uh, picked the accent up off my new Britney Spears CD"

"Okay" continued Dani, "moving onto other matters of concern"
"We're short on cash, need some ideas on how to earn"
"How about we wash cars down the servo?" Lisa was heard to say
"Servo?" Kevin asked confused, "what, you mean that guy on MST3K?"

"No, Kevin" Lisa corrected, "the place where you go get petrol, I mean"
"Petrol?" Kevin said, "is that anything at all like gasoline?"
"We're getting off-topic" Dani abruptly cut in
"Last item on agenda, college footy - anyone think we'll win?"

"I'm sure our line-receivers will block every play.." was how Denise begun
"Line-receivers?" Mikey said, "never heard of them. They in the scrum?"
"That'd be the hooker" Cindy then suggested, to Kevin's evident surprise
"They let hookers on the field?" he asked, "Publically, with the guys?"

"Meeting ajourned" Dani said dismissively, in joy the others exclaimed "Yes!!"
"Come on" Kevin said to Denise, "we'd better go clear up this mess"
They ran upstairs to the bathroom, piled inside and locked the door
Held hands and flushed the toilet, repeating all actions just as they'd been done before

The water went, the machine did its job, a knock was heard at the door
"Come on dude" Scott said, in a voice American, like before
Kevin opened the door on his old world, "Oh man, I am relieved!"
"I'm not surprised" came Scott's reply, "if the amount of time you were in there is to be believed"

"Kevin" Denise begun quietly, when once again they were alone
"Yes, Denise?" came the reply, masked in similar sepulchral tone
"I'm sorry about the awful things that happened to us tonight
And I know in my heart, no matter how you console me, it was I who made them not right"

"I wasn't really asleep in the car for starters" Denise sadly confessed,
"And my idea about the Coriolis Effect hardly left either of us impressed"
"I'm to blame for all the eve's ills" Denise said, "I don't know what to say"
"Who can blame you?" Kevin said incredulously, "the script's by n/k!"

"Hey, you're right!" Denise said, with sudden realisation
"I'm not a jerk at all, my actions were of his creation!"
"Too true" Kevin replied, "I'd never set you, sweet Denise, to blame"
"That scorn can only sit on the shoulders of he who wrote this poem lame"

They hugged, held each other close and felt feelings pure and true
And so ended the epic poem on a high note, and if I were you
I'd email this nslashk jerk and tell him he's totally without redeeming merit
Say it bluntly, too, be direct; otherwise the dull lad won't "get it"

For bathos is all the guy knows, unlike contemporary Loxley
Pathos is that man's realm, and he can use emotion appropriately
Slug nslashk in the stomach, and amidst his pained reelings
Tell him "You'll appreciate this more one day when you develop feelings"

For feelings, gentle reader, are where the true artistic merits lay
Any fool can tell a joke, and this fool does many a day
Some are new, some are repeated and some are stolen without a show of shame
All are filed in the same basket, however: 'Jeez, this nslashk is lame'

Never serious himself, but expects to be taken so
Just 'cos he pairs some rhyming words together like an ingenious schmoe
No, turn your efforts to writers who've already proved their worth
Komrade, CJGarver, Loxley: go read their things first

nslashk pays them credit with his soft parody attempts at getting a smile
Obviously thinking so highly of them to make the effort worthwhile
But where n/k will give you a snack, they serve up a literary meal
Don't ruin your appetite kids, go read something real.

Of course, one man's wine is another's poison
And some of you may actually like my stylized voicin'
I'm flattered, really, and let your amusement be not half-hearted and mild
But seriously, if that happens to be the case: were you dropped on your head as child?

finis (whatever the Hell *that* means..)

[Ivica_F]

Woo. Good work. Head-explody.

<s>Of course, as an english major I now despise you for using such a simple rhyming scheme.</s>

[nslashk]

<s>Of course, as an english major I now despise you for using such a simple rhyming scheme.</s>

<s>
You English majors are all the same, you only like poems which don't rhyme, which obviously aren't poems at all. If I'd written

Kevin revved
the ;
car while overtaking bastard symmetry
of times Past
without using indicator lights
all your base are belong to freeform

I'd be the greatest poet in the history of poetry (with the possible exception of whoever wrote the lyrics for song "You Got The Touch" as exhibited in Transformers: The Movie)

But no, I exhibit an 'AABB' rhyming scheme (popularised by contemporary works such as Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star and .. well, that's about it. And TTLS is AABBAA, anyway) and I'm suddenly deprived of any artistic merit whatsoever! This is the terrible prejudice having an education gives people, they think just because they study something and learn a whole lot of things about it, it suddenly puts them in a position where they're allowed to validly support an opinion, or even have one.

I tells ya, the next time I get sick, I'm going to a plumber, not a doctor. That'll teach the knowledge snobs a lesson.
</s>

You thought it head-exploded you, you should see what it did to me while I was making it. I had to use an AABB rhyming scheme because my short-term memory took such a walloping, I couldn't otherwise recall what the next line had to rhyme with. I'm sorry, by the way.

[Ivica_F]

You thought it head-exploded you, you should see what it did to me while I was making it. I had to use an AABB rhyming scheme because my short-term memory took such a walloping, I couldn't otherwise recall what the next line had to rhyme with. I'm sorry, by the way.

Don't feel sorry! You did great work. I'm just teasing you. Twas a great poem, and I thoroughly enjoyed it!

<s>I'd be the greatest poet in the history of poetry (with the possible exception of whoever wrote the lyrics for song "You Got The Touch" as exhibited in Transformers: The Movie</s>)

Best. Comeback. Ever.

[Alfador]

*head explodes*

I'm okay, I'm okay, that was just a mock-up. *carts away the Alfador-statue then sweeps up the wooden head-pieces*

Sorry, practice. Ahem. *illusion of head exploding, with lots of cheesy special effects that the wooden statue didn't have*

How'd you like that! *head reappears as illusion dissipates*

nslashk be good for phunny stuph as always.

[ShepherdWolf1]

Hee! That was great!

Just got around to reading the full length of it. I have to say, that's one of the LONGEST rhymed poem I've ever read. =D And I'm an English major, too, Ivica, and I liked it plenty! I happen to view freeform poetry the same way N/K does...if it doesn't at least have the amusement factor of rhymed verse (or even a decent haiku), I would be perfectly comfortable never running across it. Besides, I'm SURE I've never seen meta-rhymed verse: rhymed verse depicting characters lamenting the fact that they're speaking in rhymed verse. Heehee... "We're still doing this rhyming crap?!"

A spiffy adaptation of Loxley's stories. You forgot to have the car drive off the edge of a cliff......heh...er, look, nevermind. Look, it was written fine, alright? Go sod yourself! [Ed's note...I have no idea what that means, so you can't hold it against me!]

The bit with the violently Australian accents was PRICELESS, though I'll confess there were about five paragraphs which could have consisted of fabricated gibberish words and I wouldn't have known the difference. You're from Sidney, right, N/K? Do people actually speak in this manner, or were you hamming it up (as you're prone to doing)? Because I'd intended to visit Sydney at some point in my lifetime, and I want to know if I need to take lessons in Speaking Australian.

Anyway, nice work, oh He Who Clearly Has Quite A Bit Of Free Time On His Hands. Missed ya.

SW

[nslashk]

Dear Lord, I just read through the whole thing again. Ouch. The motto of the French Foreign Legion ("March or Die") was echoing through my head while I wrote this - "Just do the next line, soldier on, don't look back, you'll be fine as long as you don't actually look back over it" .. and I was fine, right up until I went back and read over it again. For one I never realised how long it is. And the funny thing is, AABB poems make me and any sensible reader cringe ("I consider myself COOL, because I don't swim in the POOL".. even hip-hop does better than that, and half of hip-hop's just meaningless rhyming to go with the other half, which is usually worse) .. unless they're done properly. Alexander Pope's comedy epic "The Rape Of The Lock" kicks my ass just as it should. Sample:

Th'Adventurous Baron the bright Locks admir'd,
He saw, he wish'd, and to the Prize aspir'd:
Resolv'd to win, he meditates the way,
By Force to ravish, or by Fraud betray;
For when Success a Lover's Toil ends,
Few ask if Fraud or Force attain'd his Ends.

I mean, how does an Aussie of today compete with that? 'The Pillage Of the Cellular'?

Our Valiant Sport thought the Belle a beaut,
He want'd her number, he'd call her Friday night and ask for a root:
The Party crowded, he slipped to her Purse unseen,
Turned her Cellular over, perused the Backlit Screen;
Her number he got; on Friday night he was enthused -
"Want a root?" he asked; "No" she replied and 'Block All Incoming Calls' was used.

I mean, we can't even be true to our Art (we call them mobile phones, not cellulars), so well, no. I *am* sorry, and I won't do this again unless I go insane a ninth time. To take your kind comments in turn:
Ivica: Sample lyrics from You Got The Touch which you might want to include on your next poetry analysis essay are 'You never bend, you never break/You seem to know just what it takes/You're a fighter!/It's in the blood, it's in the will/It's in the mighty hands of steel/When you're standing your ground!/You're at your best when your back's to the wall/Going to stand up and fight and you're taking it all!/You Got The Touch! You got the Power!' etc
Alfador: Quick question - according to your profile, do you live in Washington D.C. or Washington State? Because I've been to the latter and man, is it yellow. If The Beach Boys altered the lyrics to "Help Me, Rhonda" to "Wheat-a Wheat-a, Wheat Wheat A Wheat-a" you still wouldn't get close to describing how much wheat you guys have. I'm sorry, I've held this opinion for some time and've never been able to get it off my chest because no one else I know's seen Washington. GROW SOME GREEN THINGS DAMN YOU!
Swolf1: Half the Aussie dialogue was hammed up (we don't actually say dinky-di, corroborree or crikey) but half was genuine (lazy Australians enjoy 'garn' for 'going' or 'going to': I'm garn down bottle-o ['bottle shop', sells alcohol], I'm garn use the Diffie-Hellman equation, etc and my position on the rugby field was indeed the 'hooker' [also known as 5/8th] which isn't what Kevin thinks it is, before you ask ) .. and don't get me started on accents yourself either, Chicago boy, or I'll tell you to "Ged ow-da heah!"

n/k

[Alfador]

I live in Western Washington State. All we have here is green things. Conifers. Conifur. Oh, and that big blue wet thing, too. I think it's called Puget Sound. We also have mountains, as opposed to the East Coast, which has hills that they call mountains. *coughcoughAppalachianscough*

Oh yeah, and another green thing: the Emerald City == Seattle.

[Loxley]

Okay, I have FINALLY recovered enough to be able to formulate at least a halfway coherent reply after that MIND WARPING THING that n/k wrote.j

Seriously. It hurts. Make it stop. Mommy! TILTTILTTILTTILTTILT

Was that even English they were speaking? I swear, it SOUNDED like english, and it used the standard 26 letters, but hell if I could undderstand a word of it. My brain finally shut down in protest.

You have succeeded in writing a brain-crashing mind-virus, n/k. Well done! I'm flattered to be the inspiration for such horrible destruction and mental mayhem.

Anybody got an aspirin? owowowowowow...

Loxley

[ClassMg]

I want some sound files from you, N/K, dangit! LOL. I've got to hear what some of this really sounds like. Even the fake stuff! So wait, Crikey isn't authentic, but barbie is?

Only comment is I think "college footy" would've been interpreted differently

BTW, avid TF fan that I am, I defy you to prove that general pop lyrics are any better than that BTW, it's "fight 'til the end", not "stand up and fight."


Vince
Currently listening to "when you call on me/when you reach for me/I get wings to fly, I feel that /I'm alive..."

[nslashk]

I want some sound files from you, N/K, dangit! LOL. I've got to hear what some of this really sounds like. Even the fake stuff! So wait, Crikey isn't authentic, but barbie is?

Funny thing is, you were going to get some sound files from me once upon a time - do we remember The Class Audition or whatever, where we had 16 lines we could record and put up as various charaters and people had to rate/guess/etc them? I was signed up for that, with the intention of just letting all Hell break loose and scare you people (voices that didn't match characters, etc) and I was going to add an extra bit about recording an infomercial for the Lisa-Sizer 2000 which went basically as follows..

Technician: Okay, Mikey, we just need you to read out the line "Wow, I can lose weight just by being pounced upon?" when we give you the green light.
Mikey: BONZA, MATE!
Tech: Uh.. okay. Andddd.. go.
Mikey: F**k me dead this Lisa-Sizer's bloody bonza beaut you ripper 'ave a go bloody marvellous sport buddy dinkum digger mate!
Tech: Uh..no.
Mikey: (unintelligible Aussie trash until tape runs out)

Fortunately a busy work schedule and a broken microphone saved humanity as we know it.

BTW, avid TF fan that I am, I defy you to prove that general pop lyrics are any better than that BTW, it's "fight 'til the end", not "stand up and fight."

Well, my entire knowledge of music could be spoken in a hemidemisemiquaver, but I support my argument that You Got The Touch takes the notion of pop lyrics to the entire new level of superficiality, one of the few pop songs that DARES to be pop. For instance, artisans like Britney Spears can hide behind advanced imagery. Take for instance her erudite "..Baby, One More Time"

Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know
Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go
I must confess, that my loneliness is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
That you will be here
And give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

Clearly this is a lash applied to the back of the "rationalist philosopher" movement of France's latter centuries, where people like Blaise Pasdcal tried to create a mathematicial rationalisation that it was in their best interests to believe God. Pascal's argument was as follows: there's 4 outcomes based upon Pascal's choice about he acts towards God and whether God actually exists or not;

I can praise God + he exists = INFINITE HEAVEN (FUN)
I can praise God + he doesn't exist = NOTHING HAPPENS
I can shun God + he exists = INFINITE HELL (NOT FUN)
I can shun God + he doesn't exist = NOTHING HAPPENS

'Nothing happens' is basically a null case given it happens half the time, and equally on either side of the argument depending upon Pascal's choice and hey, if nothing happens, nothing happens. So what was Pascal left with? He might get infinite pleasure or infinite pain. Pascal put his betting chip on the God exists pile, putting him in the running for infinite pleasure. You've got to be in it to win it, after all.

Britney disagrees entirely with such a specious argument. Firstly she rails against Pascal's supposed mathematical "proof" (Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know) because as she makes clear, the entire point to a God and religious scheme is that it's based ideally in Faith, not Proof. Proof denies Faith. Proof makes us the Doubting Thomas. No, Britney says, Man's spiritual life should be just that, a spiritual life - the leap of Faith, the one, pure moment where he casts aside all worldy concerns and takes his destiny in his own hands - he stands to the Heavens and says, all other measures of myself aside, disregard my power, wealth, size, intelligence, skin, sex and age - I *believe* in this, and this is who I *am*.

But Alas! It can't be this way. Our secular age of empirical reasoning, spurning of its own a distrust for anything we can't see the immediate underlying workings of right away and creating more cynicism than any oppressive government or religious force or tyranny ever could, it has poisoned the very Faith ethos. (Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go). We rejected God, thinking we'd find all the answers in our Big Bangs, our fossils and our DNA. All we found were more questions. We explained everything by referring to smaller and smaller 'proofs' (Where did atoms come from? Doesn't matter, the question now is where did the quarks come from since atoms are made of quarks) and just getting more and more questions. When these questions couldn't be answered, we invented a scientific mythology of our own, entire universes parallel to our own etc, its existence validated by nothing more than the fact we thought it up and it matches the facts we have to our hand - very convenient, and as a 'valid scientific theory' deserving of the identical kinds of scorn Evolutionists pour onto Creationists for their beliefs. We've taken our Faith gambling chip and moved it from the God square to our own. Those things we don't know, we'll have to teach them to ourselves. We decided positrons are electrons moving backwards in time. Clever us.

Moving on, (I must confess, that my loneliness is killing me now) is an ironic summation of how hollow the secular myth of enlightenment really is. Assuming man is composed of three equal parts (mind, body and soul) we can see that Faith hasn't been replaced by Knowledge at all, but merely ignored. The Mind has been strengethed, that can be granted, but that in no way affects the Soul segment of the being, just as reading the plays of Oscar Wilde doesn't affect your Body. Britney's shy at this new educated level of ignorance in ignoring the important role of God/Faith in development is summed up in her choice of words: I must confess... Bring back prayer in our schools! Britney demands. Teach Creation Science! Put the words 'under God' back at their rightful place in the Pledge of Allegiance!

"Whoa" we tell ourselves, disconcerted by such a polarised stance on the issue, "back off Britney, you're entitled to your beliefs, but don't impinge on ours. Who are you to tell us what to do?" but all to no avail, and she re-establishes her mantra, tell us just how she feels on the God issue, addressing the Almighty himself (Don't you know I still believe, That you will be here)

.. and we feel all is lost, Britney has lost her intelligent objective way of viewing the issue, she's taken a side and it hass swallowed her whole - so much for social commentary. We have all but quit, given up on her and quietly wonder to ourselves who we can rely upon for educated discourses and opinions on social issues when comes the sting - (And give me a sign). The humour unveiled! Imploring God who she's said to trust implicity, that she'll always be there for Him and to trust in Him if he GIVES HER A SIGN. PROOF! BRITNEY DEMANDS PROOF! See, says Britney, even the followers of the flock can't deny the human doubt, the unfairness felt in any mortal who's told to make a possibly flawed decision and perhaps cast themselves to the scrapheap for all Eternity - Britney's not telling the Pascals of the world to get a little more soul, she's telling the religious to be a little more understanding of the scientists among us. After all, who's meant to be the forgiving here?

Leaving that perspicacious point in the air, Britney then resumes the chorus after her Hit me baby one more time, and the Universe moves on..

Now compare this with You Got The Touch by Stan Bush. It's a song about Transformers and contains the lyrics:

It's in the blood, it's in the will
It's in the mighty hands of steel

I mean, sure Tranformers have might hands of steel .. but blood? They're machines. Machines don't have blood. It's facile rhyming crap, pure "pop for pop's sake", just putting in what sounds good, damn the ramifications. I'm not down on it, we can't have a lesson in every song after all, but it's painfully clear Transformers has the dubious duty of standing at the top of the Pop pyramid. They Got The Touch, no question about that.

n/k, always one to rise to the challenge. When all Hell's breaking lose, I'll be riding in the eye of the storm.

P.S. The lyrics to the Stan Bush song are indeed as per Vince's corrections. To my eternal shame, I only have the Dirk Diggler (of Boogie Nights fame) version on mp3, which contain the lyrics as per I posted. (Boogie Nights bought the rights to the song so Dirk could 'invent' it in the studio during a song recording session). I need the touch.

[DetailBearCA]

Strange coincidence. I've just been contemplating the religious perspectives outlined in 'The Bad Touch', by The Bloodhoud Gang. The obvious atheist or areligious bent ('You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals") later gives way to apparent theism ("only God knows") and ends up with a reference to the pop-xeno-theistic ("so we can both watch X-files"). Not really up to the ontological standards of Britney, nor the pure pop non-message of Stan. As well, the more-or-less stream of consciousness style of the song does make analysis more inferential.

Now, Ricky Martin; there's a real apostle of God...

[Alfador]

And here I was thinking "Bad Touch" was a furry song. "Like they do on the Discovery Channel," indeed. :D:D:D:D

[Tegeran]

I live in Western Washington State. All we have here is green things. Conifers. Conifur. Oh, and that big blue wet thing, too. I think it's called Puget Sound. We also have mountains, as opposed to the East Coast, which has hills that they call mountains. *coughcoughAppalachianscough*

Agh! You just had to post this, didn't you?
I've been stuck in Walla Walla for almost a year now. I miss the Vancouver area. The ground is wrong, the sky is wrong, the air is wrong, it actually SNOWS here, it actually gets HOT here, it's DRY, I don't have a view of any of the Cascades, the river is 40+ minutes away, and Umatilla and Hanford are a bit close for my tastes

I wanna go home!!! :(

[ClassMg]

AIGH! I want that sound file, N/K! Waaaaah!

Okay. You said you cut and pasted Laddie's political rant from somewhere, but you had to have made Britney's lyric analysis yourself. You're one whacked dude, man What's Australian slang for someone crazy?

No, not "yank."

And I'm still trying to figure out how The Touch applies to Boogie Nights. I dont' think I want to know.



Vince