This is annoying, sure, and apologies if you've come along and suffered, but I always make good on my threats. n/k. Text ripping-off Loxley's Something Completely Different and Mirror, Mirror follows.. Sorry, Lox.
"Something Completely Non-Different, On Reflection" by n/k
CANTO I -=- 'CarQuest SUV'
Chaos from ord'nary things springs,
Just when least expected, of all things,
Bad luck it is not, nor even ironic,
These events occur purely for the comic.
So then we begin our parody, our amusing tale
It's about a time when Kevin and Denise fail
To find their way on a car journey, and to incense their pain..
The following events all occur in the pouring rain
"Call me Lieutenant" Kevin begun,
"Okay" said Denise, "this'll be fun",
"The car will be our starship, the roads our space,
I'm taking a nap, wake me when we get to my place".
And so Denise slept, or as Kevin called it 'pod-hibernated'
While Kevin solely drove and navigated
But difficulties came: road, car, map and rain,
That and being forced to endure narration in rhyming quatrains
Kevin begun to feel sleepy too, he saw the upcoming danger
To Driver Fatigue Death statistics he was no stranger
He needed fresh air, he needed distraction,
Kevin needed to wake himself up; Kevin took action.
He turned the radio up and put the window down
But all he got was wet and the commentary of some overpaid talkback clown
"No gays in the army" the radio shockjock was heard to say
Kevin muttered "Like you'd be able to make them wear the uniforms anyway"
Kevin pushed the Window Up button, and out shot a spark
The car stalled on the spot, the headlights went dark
"Idiot!" Kevin muttered, "using electrics with water"
"Some Engineer I am, fix this I oughta"
But then Kevin gazed out the window, just as lightn'ng strikes
Cats hate the wet, and even more particularly the wet nights
He turned to look at Denise, so deep in her slumber
"I'll do it all myself" he said, "with tasks I shan't her lumber"
Kevin unbuckled his belt and tried to open the door
But with the electrics, it did open no more
Kevin started to climb out the open window with dismay
"Why me?" he complained; "Because you're the main character" we say.
Thunder struck, Kevin finally egressed
With bitter regret he noted how unsuitably he was dressed
No rainponcho, no sweater, only a jacket of leather
Which would no doubt be ruined by such inclement weather
"Deal with it later" Kevin decided to rationalise
While he wiped the falling water from his tired eyes,
He wandered to the front of the car, tried to prop open the hood
He strained and strained and strained and strained, but all for no good.
"Idiot!" he said a second time, "the hood release!"
"But maybe I don't have to climb back in, maybe Denise
Can pull the lever for me, should she awaken
She's slept enough by now, surely I'm not mistaken"
But wrong Kevin was, Denise slept on,
And Kevin the bonnet sullenly leant upon,
Now completely soaked, things could surely get no worse
Or so he thought; just you wait for the next verse.
A car approacheth! Kevin, raise the distress!
It might stop and help, you may meet with success!
Kevin stepped out and waved his arms for it to stop
It sprayeth him with mud, went on; Kevin onto his tail did drop.
Kevin said things now both crude and undignified
They shan't be repeated here; pretend he just sighed
He got to his feet, wiped off the mud,
Took off his jacket, inspected it for crud.
"Totally ruined" he said at last,
"And me without a solution, which I'll need fast
For though it can't get any worse and I can get no wetter
It's still beyond me how it can now possibly get better"
Kevin walked to the other side of the SUV
Crouched by the window to see if his dozing girlfriend he could see
"Looks even more beautiful sleeping" he said with sweet regret
"No, I won't give up, I can't let her down yet"
All of a sudden came thunder louder than the last
Fate decided Denise was to awaken after all, the die is cast
She awoke with a start, and jumpeded with fear
For she awoke alone, Kevin was not near
And yet so mistaken, sweet lady! You do Kevin wrong
He's been there, present, all along
Turn your head ever so slightly, gaze out window with easy stare
You'll find the object of your desires standing silently there
"Kevin!" shrieked Denise, noting him downtrodden and wet
"What's going on?" she asked. "Tell me, my pet"
"Car broke down" Kevin replied, "I'm trying to fix it
I hope it's not a write-off, I don't wanna nix it"
"I'm sure it'll be fine" Denise replied, "but how about you?
Standing there in the rain, fur all drenched through
Why didn't you wake me Kevin? I could have helped you, why not make me arise?"
"You look so beautiful when you sleep" Kevin replied, gazing into her eyes
Life in today's world is like none of times past managed,
Men do no duels, nor place their capes on the floor to secure womens' passage,
Equality says men are no longer, for women, to hold open doors
Women may now carry briefcases and men do household chores
And yet in this world, chivraly still is found
Take note of Kevin, his place on muddy ground
Juxtapose it with sweet Denise, warm and safe in car
Chivraly exists, and from love it is not far
For though neither's said those 'three little words' yet
And might not even for some time still
Both Kevin and Denise love like Romeo and Juliet
And they know they always will
Kevin wiped some water from his whiskers and let out a wry laugh
"Did you notice the rhyming scheme changed just then in that last paragraph?"
"Shush, Kevin, you're killing the mood" Denise begun,
"And anyway, it's a 'stanza' not a paragraph, for one"
"Anyway, I'd better go get a tow truck" Kevin said, gazing down the road
"I can't get this baby to move, she'll have to be towed"
Denise put her hand against the window, and Kevin touched the glass
No contact between them came, and yet they shared something as the moment passed
For in the moment, though apart, something of them did meet
It warmed Kevin's heart, and he set off down the street
The rain bothered him no more, nor even the difficulties his future task
He smiled as he went into the storm; true feelings too, and not some bitter mask
For Kevin was happy, and Denise happy too
Though actually for a different reason, one that Kevin never knew
Denise never slept at all; the whole thing was a sham
"Like Hell I'd go out in the rain" she said, "what kind of fool do you think I am?"
CANTO II - 'The Other Way'
They eventually arrived at their destination, Richter
And Denise emerged from the towed SUV, pretty as a picture
"Oh, for crying out loud" she said, "we're still doing this rhyming crap"
"NOW who's killing the mood?" Kevin mischieviously asked, folding up a road map
"These rhymes are getting annoying" she said, following him up the stairs
"I know, Denise" he said, "but honestly, who cares
Whether some jerk can string along a few words in a poem
He's obviously got an inferiority complex as we can tell from his need to show 'em"
"The fad will pass soon enough" Kevin said, opening up his dorm door
He took his wet jacket off and dumped it on the floor
Denise picked the jacket up and draped it over a chair
She spread the fabric evenly; it would dry better there
And the narration continued in poet-frickin-try
And in that previous line an example of tmesis you will see
And ..for crying out loud, how can it have come down to this?
How the story's being told should never come before what it is.
So sorry, dear reader, let us commence again,
Kevin and Denise enter Richter, glad to be out of the rain
Denise uses the bathroom, Kevin changes into dry clothes
And conversation resumes, we can suppose
"Hey Kevin" Denise begun, a look of puzzlement on her face
"Yes, Denise?" Kevin replied, pulling on a T-shirt that said 'All Your Base'
"I've always wondered something, something I don't quite know how to say
What if we lived in another place, one where the water went down the toilet The Other Way?"
"Spiralled in the other direction as it left?" Kevin wondered, confused
"Yes" replied Denise, "I've always wanted to see the Coriolis Effect used"
"Good grief" said Kevin with a frown as he stroked his chin
"It would be weird for starters, I wouldn't know where to begin"
"That's what I'm getting at" Denise said, gently touching his arm
"Let's try it" she said, "what could be the harm?
"We can rig the toilet here to do it, we'll make some strange device
There's plenty of equipment in the room right here that would suffice"
So with armfuls of stuff to the bathroom they did both proceed
With pulley, magnet and gaff tape they did embark on their deed
Half an hour of hammering, twenty minutes of fidgeting followed
The deed was finally done; they stood back and tentatively swallowed
"Do we dare disturb the Universe?" Kevin quietly said with awe
As he stared at the confused mess of a machine that they'd built on the floor
"Toying with such forces" Denise begun, "does seem most unnatural
But wacky plots will certainly ensue and our obligation is contractual"
Oh! Into what sad Fate our protagonists have been tossed
Where in becoming main characters their freedom they have lost
For what good does it do a man to gain the entire world's appreciation
If he loses free will over his own actions and acts according to another's inclination?
Such is Kevin and Denise's loss though, let us make no half-measure
Their reward is us knowing their names; their punishment lies in always being cast together
To common people like you and me it all seems to peculiar and strange
When Kevin throws his arms up in exasperation and says "Let me extend my range!"
Sayeth Kevin: "I have more to my personality than wise-crack and video game!"
Sayeth Denise: "Says you, wearing an All Your Base T-shirt which is lame"
Sayeth I: "Quiet suckers, being mine you'll do all that I have taught"
Sayeth Vince and Loxley: "Copyright lawyers, n/k, do not settle out of court"
A knock at the bathroom door came - and then voice of Scott
"Hurry up in there guys - I need to use the can, go on, get back to the plot"
Kevin took Denise's hand in his and then reached for the flush
"Let's do this" he said tensely, and on the lever he did push
The toilet flushed, the machine kicked in, the water went The Other Way
Kevin and Denise gripped each other in fear, then slowly released in dismay
For the water disappeared and .. nothing happened, nothing happened at all
"Worth a try" Kevin begun sadly, when through the door Scott again did call
"Oi, mate!" he said, "Come on, in there! I really need the dunny!"
Kevin opened the door, "Sure thing Scott, but that fake Aussie accent isn't funny"
"Don't know what you're going on about, sport" said Scott as went in and closed the door
"Peculiar" said Denise with a frown, as she walked back up the Richter floor
To Kevin's door she did proceed, and then started back with fear
For in there she heard Brad's accent most Southern .. not in state, but hemisphere
"G'day, Tony" Brad was heard to say, "pass me another tinny, bro"
"Sorry, mate" Tony replied, "we're out, I'm off down bottle-o"
The door opened and out walked Tony, looking same as the "yooge"
Big chest, neatly dressed, no doubt about to trip over his own shoes
And yet something different all the same, something that didn't quite register
"G'day Kevin" he said, "nice to see you and your sheila together"
"Hey, Tony" Kevin said, "Good friend, tell me, where are you going?"
Though from what he'd heard he had the slightest suspicion of knowing
"Down bottle-o" Tony replied, "garn get another slab"
"We're out of tinnies, and maybe a few extra stubbies I'd better nab"
"You're drinking beer?!" Denise spluttered, half petrified
"You're under age! You can't do that!" she exclaimed, gazing with eyes wide
"Beg yours?" said Tony, "What're you saying? You know I'm over eighteen"
"A lower drinking age and awful accents!" exclaimed Kevin, "you know what this has to mean"
"I think I do" begun Denise, "but tell me all the same"
"Why do our friends act like this, is it some childish game?"
"Sadly not" Kevin muttered, "our friends, they are not playin'
I don't know how it happened, Denise, but now they're all Australian"
Suddenly Dani called "Cooee, you lot, come on, down the corroborree"
"I have a few things I wanna say, and your presence I wanna see"
"But I was garn down bottle-o" Tony begun, his face all but in dismay
"Can't it wait, Dani, we'll shout you a few coldies, what you say?"
Dani's expression clouded over, she walked over and popped Tony one in the sneezer
"I'm a sheila, you drongo" she snarled, "I only go the Stoli and Bacardi Breezer"
"Sorry, shirl" Tony said, again getting to his feet
"Let's get this business done, I'll get the beer after the meet"
Dani led the others down to the lounge and turned off the telly
"Pay attention" she said to Biff, "you set down those snags and quit stuffing your belly"
"No way you'll be getting me away from this barbie" came his gruff reply
"You'd better obey her, Biff" Scott warned, "or you won't stay dinky-di"
Fair dinkum, I tell you, Dani strolled on over and hit him for six
Biff grunted "Crikey" to himself as he collided with the bricks
"Now onto matters of the meeting" Dani begun
"ANZAC day's coming up, need volunteers for two-up. Someone?"
"What's two-up?" Denise asked, a little confused
Her query was met with the stare of Dani, less than enthused
"Why're you talking like a Yank?" Dani asked suspiciously
Denise quickly replied "Uh, picked the accent up off my new Britney Spears CD"
"Okay" continued Dani, "moving onto other matters of concern"
"We're short on cash, need some ideas on how to earn"
"How about we wash cars down the servo?" Lisa was heard to say
"Servo?" Kevin asked confused, "what, you mean that guy on MST3K?"
"No, Kevin" Lisa corrected, "the place where you go get petrol, I mean"
"Petrol?" Kevin said, "is that anything at all like gasoline?"
"We're getting off-topic" Dani abruptly cut in
"Last item on agenda, college footy - anyone think we'll win?"
"I'm sure our line-receivers will block every play.." was how Denise begun
"Line-receivers?" Mikey said, "never heard of them. They in the scrum?"
"That'd be the hooker" Cindy then suggested, to Kevin's evident surprise
"They let hookers on the field?" he asked, "Publically, with the guys?"
"Meeting ajourned" Dani said dismissively, in joy the others exclaimed "Yes!!"
"Come on" Kevin said to Denise, "we'd better go clear up this mess"
They ran upstairs to the bathroom, piled inside and locked the door
Held hands and flushed the toilet, repeating all actions just as they'd been done before
The water went, the machine did its job, a knock was heard at the door
"Come on dude" Scott said, in a voice American, like before
Kevin opened the door on his old world, "Oh man, I am relieved!"
"I'm not surprised" came Scott's reply, "if the amount of time you were in there is to be believed"
"Kevin" Denise begun quietly, when once again they were alone
"Yes, Denise?" came the reply, masked in similar sepulchral tone
"I'm sorry about the awful things that happened to us tonight
And I know in my heart, no matter how you console me, it was I who made them not right"
"I wasn't really asleep in the car for starters" Denise sadly confessed,
"And my idea about the Coriolis Effect hardly left either of us impressed"
"I'm to blame for all the eve's ills" Denise said, "I don't know what to say"
"Who can blame you?" Kevin said incredulously, "the script's by n/k!"
"Hey, you're right!" Denise said, with sudden realisation
"I'm not a jerk at all, my actions were of his creation!"
"Too true" Kevin replied, "I'd never set you, sweet Denise, to blame"
"That scorn can only sit on the shoulders of he who wrote this poem lame"
They hugged, held each other close and felt feelings pure and true
And so ended the epic poem on a high note, and if I were you
I'd email this nslashk jerk and tell him he's totally without redeeming merit
Say it bluntly, too, be direct; otherwise the dull lad won't "get it"
For bathos is all the guy knows, unlike contemporary Loxley
Pathos is that man's realm, and he can use emotion appropriately
Slug nslashk in the stomach, and amidst his pained reelings
Tell him "You'll appreciate this more one day when you develop feelings"
For feelings, gentle reader, are where the true artistic merits lay
Any fool can tell a joke, and this fool does many a day
Some are new, some are repeated and some are stolen without a show of shame
All are filed in the same basket, however: 'Jeez, this nslashk is lame'
Never serious himself, but expects to be taken so
Just 'cos he pairs some rhyming words together like an ingenious schmoe
No, turn your efforts to writers who've already proved their worth
Komrade, CJGarver, Loxley: go read their things first
nslashk pays them credit with his soft parody attempts at getting a smile
Obviously thinking so highly of them to make the effort worthwhile
But where n/k will give you a snack, they serve up a literary meal
Don't ruin your appetite kids, go read something real.
Of course, one man's wine is another's poison
And some of you may actually like my stylized voicin'
I'm flattered, really, and let your amusement be not half-hearted and mild
But seriously, if that happens to be the case: were you dropped on your head as child?
finis (whatever the Hell *that* means..)
Needle & Thread
: There's a party goin' on at the local church hall, you know people do it - all you gotta do is call; Leave your lonely room and you'd seize the day, but you put on the ABC and foxtrot your chance away.