Disgust at inuendo in BtB!

[mouse]

Aye. I have taste - more importantly, so do mice!

true, very true. that's us - industrious and full of taste....

now if only we had money as well.....

[Antarius]

I've seen what mice do to money! Ick! (But perhaps why they are so tasty...)


That's why we went to "polymer" notes (read: plastic, like monolopy money) so many years ago...

[Major Tom]

I've seen what mice do to money!

yep - blowing it on chocolate shakes, mud baths, cucumber facials, more chocolate shakes...

[mouse]

and cheesecake. don't forget the cheesecake.

[Major Tom]

*forehad slap*

how could I?

[Antarius]

*forehad slap*

{shakes head sadly}


Poor, poor forehad... What did it ever do to you to deserve such nasty treatment?

[Major Tom]

It dropped its E, OK??

It dropped its E and it must be taught.

[Antarius]

So I "C."

I've noticed that an "E" has an effect on people's heads...

[Major Tom]

A l'il T does something for the perception, too, or so they say

[Antarius]

Lots of letters are good for the head...

Let's see, there's 'L,' 'S,' & 'D.'

'M,' 'D,' 'M,' & 'A.'

And after too much of the above, you can always do:

'A,' 'U,' 'T,' 'O,' 'P,' 'S,' & 'Y.'

[Major Tom]

Why? -- because we like you!!

M-O-U-S-E

[Antarius]

*Slaps ForeHad*

[mouse]

as Slaps Forehad, Private I, sat in his office and brooded. The world seemed stuck in some dark, dank, endless loop of the soul. How long could it take a couple chicken eggs to hatch, anyway? Slaps reached into his drawers for his hootch....(no, no -better not go there...)

Slaps considered his latest case, the Case of the Random Letters. They'd been turning up all over town.....short, enigmatic, disjointed....but now things were coming together, and it didn't look good. In fact, the letters were looking more threatening than the weather. But who was leaving them? And who was the target? Slaps had no idea, but it was time he start working the case, time to start finding some answers. In short, it was time the letters were addressed.

[Major Tom]

Reaching in to his desk (no, the other drawer...gotta get rid of that bottle), Slaps dug out his address book and got to work.

"Haven't heard from Peter in years," he thought, "wonder why he never writes back? Probably has something to do with that 50 big ones I loaned him. Or maybe the way he ran off with her. Of course, could have something to do with my car...."

Just as Slaps was coming to the conclusion that he really should take the jerk off his pen-pal list, there was a knock at the door...

[Antarius]

To his utmost surprise, it was a tall, thin, blonde woman with large... assets.

Slaps stepped forward in a grand soliloquy.

"I had seen her sort before," he muttered. "She was the sort of girl who'd get your car started, first time, every time."

"But why, oh why, did she have to step into my office?"

He stepped back, as the newcomer indicated that her dramatic freeze was hard to hold as she had an itchy nose.

"Slaps, you've got to help me!" she exclaimed, overactingly. "I've been seeing these... these letters! Everywhere!"

[Major Tom]

Slaps reached over and shut the window.

"Thanks, doll, " he said, accepting the handful, "I musta knocked 'em off the windowsill. Now, what were you saying about help?"

[Antarius]

"I didn't really need to know what she meant. The lipstick on her collar, the mud on her left shoe and the bloodstains on her hands could only mean one thing! That she was a philanthropist from Hawaii, had 2 younger sisters, a dog named "Toto," likes pina coladas but not getting caught in the rain, once dated a guy called "Mark," and still hadn't filed last years tax return."


"Uh, Mr Slaps?" she interjected. "You've started a soliloquy again, but haven't stepped out. You're still interacting with me."

*steps out*

"She was right. Whoops!"

*steps back in*

"But how did you work all of that out from lipstick on my collar, etc?"

"I read the script, toots..."

[mouse]

"and i know all about you and the major. it's time for the truth, sister - and you're going to give it to me, or else."

Slaps dug out his roscoe. a broad like this was bad news, all right - as bad as cliche in a noir 'tec story. well, he could be bad news, too - and now was the time to deliver it.

"let's you and i just go talk to the major, shall we?" he sneered.

[Antarius]

As we stepped outside the doorway to my office, I was knocked on the back of my neck and I went out. Cold.

I laid motionless while my 'client' and my assailant rambled on about important plot concepts that would had solved this puzzle quicker than Queen Xantippa finishing a 7 layer chocolate cake.

When they had finished, I got up and politely walked to the next scene, where I gave myself a good beating before tying myself up good and tight.

"Had enough yet?" I spat at myself.

"Damnit, I hate this cheap budget crap. They really need another character for some of this..."

[Major Tom]

Just then, (and suddenly), Kelly burst into the room, burst my bonds, grabbed me by the scruff and slammed me across the water cooler.

"Glad to help." he sneered.

"It's a living," I reminded myself.

"Who's the dame, Slaps?" Kelly grumbled, "She looks familiar. And whattaya know about this 'major'. And who the hell is leavin lousy letters all over my precinct?"

"Which one do ya want first, Sarge?" I asked weakly.

*SLAM*

"Gotta stop doing that," I reminded myself.

"Answer-up, smart guy, or I'm liable to forget I'm nice and remember that no one ever comes up here to see the likes of a washed out dope like you, so we can dance right here in the hallway."

"Wait, Sarge -- how can I be a smart guy and a dope --"

*SLAM*

"Ohhhh - that's how," I reminded myself.

[Antarius]

*steps out*

"I knew I couldn't keep this up. My fraternisation with the water cooler and other furniture was just getting too much for me to take. I had to get this geezer off my case and quickly."

*steps back in, back into the half-nelson that he was held in previously*

"Easy, sarge! I was gonna tell you anyway. It's like this - The Major is back in town, and this time he means business. Yup - he's getting into the Lettuce business; the letters just being the result of hiring a lysdexic assistant."

*SLAM*

"That's all I know Sarge! Honest!"

"I know all about you and Jessica Rabbit's sordid affairs. Why I knew it as soon as..."

"Hang on! Stop right there!" Slaps exlaimed emphatically. "You're on the wrong page. We're here on page 4, and you're doing scene 101Q which is on page 104."

*flicks through script*

"Oh, you're right. Sorry 'bout that. I'll catch you a bit later then - for the scene that I put my foot down on your neck."

"Yeah, okay. I'll call you..."


*steps out*

"Of course, there was no way that I was going to call him. You see, I'd slipped him a Mickey. Well, in a matter of speaking. It was two tickets to Disney World in actuality - but there's plenty of Mickey there!"

*steps back in & walks into office*

Slaps looked at his client, who had been sitting in the office while he had been beaten.

"Comfortable?" he asked.

"No I'm not," she replied. "You see, I've just bought these new panties from K-Mart, and they just keep riding right up my -"

*CRACK*

It was the sound of my window cracking as a brick bounced off of it. I'd covered it with a protective film to save costs of replacement windows when the villains threw their notes through the window.

[mouse]

of course, it _did_ make it harder to read the notes - had to walk all the way downstairs and find the stupid brick. still, it kept the landlady happy, and i was making her a nice patio in the back with the used bricks.

[Major Tom]

and if it hadn't been for the new bricks landing in the middle of her patio table, she could have had a lot of nice luncheons there.

[mouse]

but then again, she never invited me anyway. i fished the brick out of the jello mold, carefully removing a few stray mandarin oranges, apologized to the bishop, and climbed back up to my office.

sure enough, it was another letter.

in fact, the letter 'j'. unsigned.

"well, of course it's unsigned" growled kelly. "only a deaf-mute would sign it, and he'd have to walk all the way up here to do that. and anyway, since when do _you_ understand sign language? sheesh, what kinda lame-brained gumshoe are yez, anyway?" i let him have it with the marachino cherry i found trapped under the letter.

[Major Tom]

And there, behind the cherry, I saw it: another j.

Finally, it was falling into place. I had my first lead!!

"Kelly," I said to Kelly, "Kelly", I said, "Kelly" --

"WHAT?!", said Kelly.

"I know who it is -- we gotta find a very terse man with a stutter. Let's go."