Dude, you should auction off contracts on each one of these characters. Whoever bids highest on each character gets to tell you how to kill them. My money is on Max being cratered by a meteorite, but the sex-addicted Asian lawyer being electrocuted by a short-circuiting Toshiba Magic Wand would probably be a crowd pleaser. You'd have thousands of bucks and this story would be mercifully over before July. It's a win-win.
Three generations of imbeciles is enough.