Shits n' giggles

[Rubio]

*makes that "I-told-you-so" look in Ryalyn's direction*

See! Told ya! Two Towers counts.

[kinako mochi]

Hehe -- special bonus round points if you can guess where in Middle Earth they first appeared, where Kestralyn is, and where Ryalyn and BK were at my last story post

[Ryalyn]

[OOC]

Grudgingly concedes to Rubio, scrunching up her nose slightly in a pout.

I still say it was really green enough to be somewhere Irish. Or maybe I've just been in an Irish state of mind, lately.

I'm so amused that elves that Tolkien presented as wise and beautiful have been twisted around so far that my first emotions upon seeing them in the story were that of fear and concern. Pratchett, what have you done to me?!?

But I have no idea, Kinako, where on Middle Earth I was planted. I really should go back and re-read those fantastic books.

Anyway! Welcome, Elfbiter!

I'm going to try to write some more myself sometime soon. I see free time on the horizon. Let's just hope it's still free when it gets here. *sigh*

Gives Kes another hug.

[/OOC]

[Elfbiter]

<offscen>

Wellll, lessee if I can do anything with this. Actually I'd rather have the viewer's reactions to the creature that dashes towards them. It maybe hard to get into heads of other characters.

(Two Towers? Aw, c'mon, I'm only one tower )

Much obliged, Lady Kestralyn. (Has there been a concussion-related incident I've missed or something like that? I hope you are feeling better)

Note that I often write my forum messages at work (as long as it lasts), so I may not always have time for longer missives. And my reading may not be close to standard fantasy patterns...

Housecat? Would Greebo do?

There are lots of green places in addition to the Emerald Isle. I see lots of it outside my window - thought mainly in the form of firs.

</offscen>

[kinako mochi]

I've been to every single book I've known,
To soothe the thoughts that plague me so

[Elfbiter]

- Now what?, the creature grumbles when he sees the three that are blocking his way. - I haven't seen these variants before.

- Wait, yells Kestralyn. - I know them.

Creature stops. For a moment he and the three pubbers stare at each other. Kestralyn feels dehydrated in the embrace of the creature.

Kinako stares at the tall, bald creature who seems to have black jeans, black jacket and black t-shirt. Crypto has become a blur of felines. Rubio does not dare to lower his lightsaber that keeps changing color. The creature looks at it with puzzlement.

- Excuse me, but was that weapon previously broken or out of power?

- And if it was? says Rubio.

- Well, one of the concepts of the original tale hereabouts was a broken melee weapon that was restored to function. The blade keeps changing color, which possibly means that the weapon cannot decide which variant to follow.

Crypto can't answer. His head is full of possibilies and variants of feline form and he cannot make up his mind. From a huge scarred tomcat who had eaten vampires to various familiars of all sorts. And somewhere distant there is a resurrected lion that looks at this particular subcreation with a disapproving glance.

- However, that may also mean that you are here because of the First Tale. I'm here because of unfortunate happenstance. Did somebody sent you?

- We are here in a quest, Kinako says.

- Which one? creature asks.

---

Ryalyn has been in this tavern for couple of hours now and is getting worried. Tavernkeepers and his - daughters? - have brought her dozen variants of filling stew and many pieces of meat to BK. She had found food but not much in terms of new answers. And no Pablo.

During those hours she has seen innumerable characters. There is a mysterious stranger in every corner. Different groups of small or young people have come in, waited for a while and then joined forces with a obvious wizard, voluptious sorceress or one of the mysterious strangers. Then they had either departed or retired to their rooms upstairs.

- Are you the Gatekeeper?

Ryalyn turns. Before her she sees three small satyrs with viking armor and weapons.

- What?

- Are you our sorceress, asks another one of them with an older voice.

[Ryalyn]

S-s-sorceress?? Ryalyn finally manages to stammer out the word. She blinks rapidly and looks around at the small, heavily armed group. Um . . . no? I . . . um . . . I mean . . . um . . . . Wait a second.

She squints at the creatures.

You're satyrs?

The older-sounding one steps forward, nodding his head in a graceful bow, removing his helm and revealing his head. Small bony nubs bulge out from his forehead, his wild, black curly hair slightly receding.

We are. The sileni replies.

But . . . but . . . you're satyrs! You're supposed to be out causing trouble with the maenads and getting drunk and . . . the pixie blushes bright red . . . stuff. Not dressed up in armor and weapons and all serious looking, stuck in a tavern and waiting!!

Not that I'm a good one to be talking.

The small men look up at her expectantly.

Well, I mean . . . I . . . oh, pooh. BK, a little help here?

The beagle looks up at her from his new plate of nibblets and raises and eyebrow at her. Snorting through his nose in a way that definitely says, "Well, tell me to blend in and I blend in. What do you do? Collect little people!", he returns his attention to his plate.

Ryalyn sighs and looks back at the satyrs. They're still there. Persistent little guys, that's for sure.

Look. I'm on my own little quest right now. I've lost the rest of my friends and I need to find them before they go drifting off to another book without me. Not that that's going to make any sense to you or anything, though.

But I can't be your gatekeeper. I don't even know what that means.

The selini smiles at her and replaces his head gear before taking his staff in hand firmly. As one, the three small men bow.

We are in your service. Let us help you find your friends.

Ryalyn and BK look at each other and sigh.

You've got to be kidding me.

[kinako mochi]

Woohoo! Go-go writer Ryalyn!

[crypto]

Mind explaining that? What first tales? And what . . .Mreeeeowe. . . Cripes, I can't keep a stable form, what is wrong with this place? Crypto said fighting to stay human.

Only time I've lost control like this was when. . . there was an abundance of magic and belief in it. he said shrinking down to a black talking cat. Ok this is rediculace, I'm Salam from Sabrina the Teenage Witch!!

With an act of will he returned to human, and drew his cloak around him as if useing as a touch stone to his true self. With a frustrated growl he closed his eyes and drew inward.

Ok get a grip on your abileties, reach out connect to her she shares a heritage. . . focus, picture her. Her face, her wings, her hair. . .Bingo. I know where Ry is.

***

In the tavern Ry feels something like fingers playing through her hair. When she turned no one was close enough, and atleast one of the styters was sleeping with his head on the table, a pint untouched next to him.

[Elfbiter]

<offscen>Excellent</offscen>

The creature kneels down to look at the Crypto's smaller form. He shakes his head sadly.

- I'm told this used to be a coherent place. He sighs. - You probably know the First Tale, the small fellows destroying the Dark Lord when they dispose of his ring, with a huge war with the forces of the Dark Lord at the same time? This place was built on that foundation. Before that there were just the original scattered legends the storyteller used to built the tale.

The creature shifts his weight and lifts Kestralyn on his shoulders. Still kneeling he looks up, as if reminiscing.

- The First Tale became the victim of its own success. Everybody wanted to write the same story again and again and again, with only slightly different trappings. Especially when the original storyteller was dead. Eventually the First Tale had a large number of of successors, imitators and plagiates. Sometimes the main protagonist might be, for example, leper rapist, but the story and the theme were the same. And because they were essentially the same story, the creatures of those tales intruded on the denizens of this place. And some of the creatures became downright confused of what they are.

- So, that's what's wrong with this place. There is abundance of variants of stock creatures. Big creature looks at Crypto more closely. - The fact that you managed to reach a form not of this realm is promising. It means you have free will left. You mentioned someone named Ry? Another companion?

- Ryalyn? Yes, I... feel... where she is now.

- Can you describe the place?

Crypto does his best. The creature frowns.

- Sounds like the Patron Encounter. Although the locals still want to call the place Hobbiton or something like that. It is exceedingly popular place.

The creature rises up and glances again at the Rubio's weapon. Now the energy blade has turned into three flailing strings with three different objects in their ends; a triangle, a throwing star and a grinning demonic head.

- That weapon apparently cannot make its own mind: you have to make the decision for it.

[Rubio]

Rubio frowns, then squints really hard at his weapon. After a few minutes, it morphs back into an energy blade going through a few non-lucas-approved-for-the-movies hues before finally settling back to a slivery green

"So, we're basically in the dumping pit for all the semi-creative detrius that built off of Tolkien's model of a fantasy world. That's just great. If R.A.Salvatore or Gary Gygax shows up, they're gettin' some noogies."

"Have I gathered correctly that this means we might run into Salvatore drow dual wielding scimitars, Weis & Hickman tree-huggers with bows, or Games Workshop-style Tolkien ripoffs with pointy helmets? Just wonderful."

"Ahh, bollocks." Rubio deactivates the lightsaber with that fwwssssh that everyone knows so well. Looking rather testy after the general course of events over the last few hours, he turns to face the Creature.

"So, mister exposition- is it okay if I call you that? Being as that you seem to have a clue what's going on here and, in the time-honored tradition of mysteeeeerious new players in just about every game that I ever ran or took part in, you haven't given us a form of address for yourself. And are wearing all black, but I'm guilty of that myself on occasion, so I won't give you a hard time about that."

"Anyway, Ser Exposition, what exactly are you up to in this book?"

Thinks for a minute, ignoring the 'Ease off, jackass' look that Kestralyn is giving him, then speaks again, heedless of any response.

"Does this mean we might run into others who are in the middle of self-insert fanfics? This is gonna get really hairy, isn't it?"

Sighs, looks to the setting sun. "So, who thought to pack something resembling supper?"

[Ryalyn]

Ryalyn thunks her mug onto the rough surface of the table and stands up.

Argh. That's it! We're out of here. Com'on guys.

Grabbing the sleeping satyr by the back of his armor, she marches out of the tavern, leading her odd-looking entourage of two other satyrs and BK. She keeps walking once she gets outside, making her way past the cheese factory (Brie) and out of town. The sun has set, leaving the clouds in the sky painted on their undersides in flaming orange and purples. The forest reaches out toward them as they march onward, it's shadows deep blue in the twilight.

Ryalyn is fuming. Still holding the satyr, she's marching straight forward, mumbling under her breath. Sparks flash through her hair every now and then and she's glowing slightly. Finally she stops and drops the satyr. The other two crowd around him, then look up at Ryalyn, their eyes expressing their confusion, but utter willingness to accept her leadership.

BK leans against a tree, watching, shades propped up on his head.

This isn't right! Ryalyn yells at the little creatures in front of her. You aren't right. You're nature spirits but you're dressed in iron! You're revelers of Dionysus and you didn't touch any beer in the tavern! What's wrong with you?!?

She's shaking now. Her wings have unfurled from her disguise and are stiff behind her. Her antenna are standing straight from her head. Grabbing the helmet off the closest one, she throws it into the forest.

What happened? Where's your regular clothes? From now on, if you're with me, you're dressed like you're supposed to be dressed.

[crypto]

Holy. . . Damn this is new. I'm senceing her emotions, and they are spikeing something feirce. Crypto said beinging to move in a trot, his direction set by the Ry's riseing temper.

Oh crap, I'm loseing control of my fo. . . The shifter drops to the ground his body convulsing as his birth right atunes itself to another story.

His legs meld togethe and scales cover the resulting tail that elongates. His hands become great paws, claws dripping venom. His head becomes a hidious mix of serpent and sabertoothed cat.

<Run, I can't control this form> Comes in the pubers minds <I am Madcoil> he gasps out to them before the creatures natural mind forces the mind of the pubber down sending a spike of pain into their minds dropping them to their knees.

Outside the pub, Ry and BK to feel the pain spike, but they are at the outer edge of the sending, and it's like a bad head ache to them.

[Elfbiter]

<Run, I can't control this form> Comes in the pubers minds <I am Madcoil> he gasps out to them before the creatures natural mind forces the mind of the pubber down sending a spike of pain into their minds dropping them to their knees.

Creature grins when blood begins to drip from his left ear. He leans on his quarterstaff to rise back to his feet. Kestralyn drops off his head, apparently dazed.

- Another headache, he grumbles. - Although this time from the outside. I could really live without these...

Creature looks at Madcoil with a hint of recognition, through the usual razorwire that hinders his vision. Madcoil pounces at him and he tumbles out of the way, blood thumping in his head in the usual painful manner. He lifts himself back to his feet again and fights the nausea.

- Let's see now: "Potential ally transformed, avoid killing"-storyline, he gasps. - This usually calls for lots of convincing eloquence or cooperative subdual tactics. And I do not think that form is willing to listen. We may have to break some narrative conventions here.

Knapsack bounces against a tree, spilling some of its contents. Three drops of blood fall from the creature's ear to the ground. Creature takes a spearhead out of his jacket pocket and then probes for the extract bottle...

[Rubio]

<Run, I can't control this form> Comes in the pubers minds <I am Madcoil> he gasps out to them before the creatures natural mind forces the mind of the pubber down sending a spike of pain into their minds dropping them to their knees.

Rubio is making a face that would most assuredly be viewed as humorous if he were making it under normal circumstances and not having an industrial-strength vise clamped on his skull. The pain abates after a few seconds, reminding him of a so-so hangover he once had. His first clear view is the being formerly known as Crypto hissing and advancing menacingly.

"Oh great... mind-control pvp... shapeshifting angst... it's like I'm back in college and playing werewolf again."

- Let's see now: "Potential ally transformed, avoid killing"-storyline, he gasps. - This usually calls for lots of convincing eloquence or cooperative subdual tactics. And I do not think that form is willing to listen. We may have to break some narrative conventions here.

"Heh. Maybe I misjudged you, Ser ExposWHOALOOKOU-"

Knapsack bounces against a tree, spilling some of its contents. Three drops of blood fall from the creature's ear to the ground. Creature takes a spearhead out of his jacket pocket and then probes for the extract bottle...

Kestralyn bounds away, still slightly dazed, while Kinako pulls out his can of silly string. With a dash and a leap, he starts to make a haphazard orbit of MadCoil, entangling its limbs in suspiciously-strong cords of synthetic foam. Rubio, meanwhile, stands fascinated at the turn of events near the spilled knapsack.

"Huh. And in the fashion of stories everywhere, there's no such thing as coincidence."

Rubio dashes over to some of the contents of the knapsack and picks up a pair of wooden rods a little longer than his own forearms. MadCoil lashes about, breaking the restraints sending the other pubbers in a quick scatter. Rubio gives the rods a quick twirl, finding them rather well balanced.

"Well," he mutters to himelf as Kinako flies horizontally through the background, a big band-aid covering a corner of the box on his head, "No guts no glory... or something like that."

As Kinako regains his senses, Kestralyn dodges another swipe, and Ser Exposition fishes around for his bottle, Rubio hops up onto the tail and rushes toward MadCoil's main body. It turns as it senses something dashing up its tail, and raises an elongated paw to bat aside a feeble attack.

The first makeshift escrima stick crashes down on the outstretched arm, the momentum and torque of it knocking the outstretched limb out of the way. The second, held in Rubio's right hand, comes downward and to the left, impacting on MadCoil's snout. The body of the rod having been used, as opposed to the tip, the blow hurts and disorients without causing real damage.

"Hah! Check this shit out, Sensei, I'm-"

MadCoil is big. MadCoil is tough. MadCoils is... well, mad. MadCoil recovers very quickly.

Y'know, he thinks to himself, I have no clue why I thought this would be a good idea.

MadCoil responds with a swipe of its arm that sends Rubio sprawling

[crypto]

No I have to fight it. . . regain control. . . The rational human mind fought against the beasts mind, watching as the pubbers fought his rampageing body.

Breakign through he snarled out There. . . on the ground. . . get the chain around my neck. . . pointing to a thin iron chain he had droped when he transformed. Powers will be . . .

Then the beast was back in control.

[Elfbiter]

There is no bottle in any one of his pockets. Elfbiter looks around and sees how Rubio climbs on Madcoil's back, using remnants of silly string as stepping stones.

Brave bloke, at the very least he thinks. Learned some spirit from somewhere. We just have to avoid "blaze and glory" now. Then I may find time to answer some of his questions. But now, more convoluted finery may cost someone's life.

When Rubio distracts Madcoil, Elfbiter runs to the dispersed contents of his knapsack.

Two bottles lie on the grass alongside the assorted paraphernalia, including black sausages, socks, notepads and couple of paperbacks. Elfbiter grabs the other one, pushes himself up again and runs on the other side of the path, besides the sprawled form of the brave baskethead.

Elfbiter feels another bite of Madcoil's mind, but it is nothing compared to usual pain from inside his head. His left eye turns red and blood begins to seep from inside his eyelid.

Barely tolerable. For how long...

Hurriedly Elfbiter flips the stopper of the bottle open and smears some of the contents on the spearhead. Glittering string of quantum meaning spreads quickly.

I hope I would not have to resort to this.

Another mindblast. Elfbiter drops the bottle and grabs the makeshift spear with both hands. He turns and barely sees Madcoil through his worsening tunnel vision. He sees how Madcoil throws Rubio out of its back.

Carefully now. I need only a scratch. Don't hit the guy himself, just the effect.

Madcoil turns to Elfbiter. He makes a move as if he would try to tumble to his left. Madcoil pounces to prevent that. Elfbiter turns right and tries to run on the right side of the monster and hit that side at the same time.

Madcoil's passing left claw tears open his jacket sleeve and shoulder.

The same shoulder every bloody time!

He collides with a tree. When he turns, lighting bolts fill his field of vision once again. He can barely stay upright.

When his vision clears somewhat, Madcoil stands and convulses, mindroaring in every direction. Spearhead glints, stuck to the remnants of the silly string.

Madcoil struggles against the intangible bindings. Local Narrative Causality tries to fight but the concentrated essence of Making Sense gnaws at the monster in an accelerating pace. Essence of Crypto begins to emerge from inside the Monster Encounter and he reverts to his favorite form.

Elfbiter pants. He takes two wobbling steps. Then he collapses.

Red liquid begins to drip on the left side of his face.

---

Kestralyn sees how the big guy collapses. She runs to him on her wobbling tentacles but almost slips on something on the ground. A strange bottle. Curious, she picks it up.

The stopper is open and the bottle is only half full. Label has a picture of an armed man coming through a window and crosshairs over it.

[crypto]

Th thankk ya you. put the cha chain around my neck. Crypto pants sprawled out in his natural human form. Iron cancles out my gifts. . . he rasps before loseing contiousness.

***

He looks down at where his body is sprawled, battered and bloody not just from his own vital fluids.

Oh great out of body experience. These things are never good. He said/thought to himself as mist obscured his view of the other questers.

[Kestralyn]

Shrugging as only a cephalopod can, Kestralyn shifts the interesting bottle to one of her off-legs, and assumes coconut form. She glides over to the dropped chain and eyeballs it. Clasp. Damn. Nothing for it.

She places the bottle next to the chain and steps slightly away from them, so as not to break anything. Closing her eyes and drawing all eight legs into her center, she begins to shift. No heat shimmer, no strange shapes shifting around in her skin. One moment she's an octopus. The next, she's human. Dressed in Turkish enteri, yelek, and sarwals, HUH?? IMG Kestralyn appears far more ready for whatever they may encounter than in her djinn persona.

She picks up the bottle and chain. Tucking the bottle into her pouch for further study, she moves to Crypto and crouches next to him. Quickly, she brushes his hair aside and drapes the chain around his neck. Even unconscious, she feels him relax and shift as the clasp closes. A small sigh escapes his lips.

Standing, Kestralyn surveys the sorry lot. "Wow! We're just a buncha whacked out shapeshifters, aren't we? Now what?"

[kinako mochi]

"Speak for yourself, lady *dusts off shorts*. BTW, welcome back to lady form!" Kinako heaves, hands on knees, a bit winded. With a wave, he's carefully walking, looking, eyes on the three shifters, as he edges towards Rubio

[Elfbiter]

Big guy turns his head slowly couple of times and eventually the pain disappears from his eyes. Most of his wounds have scarified nicely but his left eye remains reddish. Hole in the jacket sleeve does not close up, either.

Elfbiter looks at Kestralyn and lifts what remains of his eyebrows. He looks around and sees only Rubio and Crypto.

- Is that you, lady Kestralyn? Or some houri?

- Err, about that spearhead, says Rubio.

- Oh, that one, big guy grumbles again. He rises onto his still shaking feet. - This is not the first time I have encountered this kind of thing. I improvised that the second time I had to use this method - and I have to say that I am not fond of it. Trying to make fully plot-oriented creatures to drink the antidote was not practical. And spitting was hardly hygienic.

- So you have done this before, Ser Exposition?

- You better call me Elfbiter.

- Hokay.

- Where did you get the beverage?

- I dunno.

Elfbiter smiles and goes to fetch his knapsack. He picks up one of the black sausages and eats it. Then he begins to pick up his other equipment, including the paperbacks. Rubio rises, sees the spearpoint near where Crypto collapsed and takes it to him.

- What you used on this one??

- I think Kestralyn has the bottle now. I have two of it left.

- Some poison?

- Not exactly. It is an extract that can be used against certain recurring plot features. Some writers have taken some classic writing advise too literally sometimes. I have already used all my anti-shotgun-in-the-beginning -infusion. The fellow who supplied me with those bottles said that someone he knew had extracted even Usenet Bitterness for his own use.

Elfbiter swings his knapsack onto his shoulder, winces and picks up his quarterstaff. He kneels beside Crypto.

- Now we have to get this fellow out of this place. If he can accidentally channel entities from places like the World of Two Moons, soon we may have to face something like Eldar shuriken launchers. I'd rather face a rampaging kzinti.

- But we are in a quest. And we have to find Ryalyn.

- Oh yes, the quest. What is it? Find, restore or destroy a magic item? Remove a curse maybe?

[crypto]

Oh, how disapointing, no revelations passed down from on high. Crypto thinks as his essance begins to return to his body. Out of the corner of his eye he glimpses what may have been an enigmic smile and a swirl of paper ribbons.

Only cats. he rasped I can only channle cats or things that are part cat. Mad coil, griffen, werecat, puss in boots. . . you get the picture.

[kinako mochi]

Some writers have taken some classic writing advise too literally sometimes. I have already used all my anti-shotgun-in-the-beginning -infusion.

Hmm. I hope this isn't passive-aggressively aimed at anyone. After all, you forget your own shortcomings, making a swipe like that. *ignoring but monitoring*

*dives back into the murk of lurk* :/

[Elfbiter]

Some writers have taken some classic writing advise too literally sometimes. I have already used all my anti-shotgun-in-the-beginning -infusion.

Hmm. I hope this isn't passive-aggressively aimed at anyone. After all, you forget your own shortcomings, making a swipe like that. *ignoring but monitoring* :/

No, this is not a comment to anything anyone has written, at least in this thread. I do not intend to insult anyone, least of all you. Previous personal reading experience offline. However, I do understand your sentiment and you all do have my apologies if you want them.

PS: Kzinti would be cat aliens... (Eldar comment is supposed to be inscen). And now I hope no one has read Zelazny's Eye of the Cat

[kinako mochi]

*wipes brow, cancels hissy-fit*

Whew. I may be blunt, but certain things I need to know. Please pardon my dorkiness, and carry on!

I'm intrigued with your writing style, and that just got in the way. I'm glad I don't have to worry about it anymore, and can just enjoy the lurkin'/sporadic contributin' for now.

*braces for ribbing of life by Rubio and Ryalyn*