You know, I completely sympathize with where you are, and I'll relate my own story kinda similar, and where it's taken me.
I never grew up with a religious tradition, so I never had the life teachings (or at least the framework for experience to make useful later) to prepare me for what I was to experience as a soldier. I mean, I grew up in HI, spearing my Sunday dinner spearfishing with my Dad, seeing the blood and gore and harsh realities of hunting, but nothing so ugly as the underbelly of people and the things they can do to each other and themselves in the military. Without a tradition to refer to and faith to treasure and focus it, I was really adrift, and predictably wobbled to the downward spiral eventually.
I had no idea how a suicide would affect me, as a bystander. I knew a bit about how the surviving family and friends feel when a person takes their own life, and it really saddened me that I inflicted this confusion, this frustration and sorrow and guilt on my own family. Not knowing how to deal with this, though, just made it worse later.
My new traditions (about 10 yrs so far) allow me to put these ambiguous, dark, powerful fears, remorses, guilts, and anger into the light for me to see and deal with. That darkness, that ignorance is what makes your inner monster powerful, and allows it power over you. I wish I had not been such a cocky little bastard and thought I was too intelligent to need such 'fluff', in the early years. It would have saved a lot of work as an adult.
I hope that your chosen traditions help you too. I am not some Buddha. I am only a struggling deluded dude, trying to keep out of trouble and make a few friends. But I already see how shining a light in my own brambles has helped me, and maybe going back to basics with the ugliness and pain you choked down to get by in the past, may help you a bit. Don't wait as long as I did.