Telling my problems to the bar tender

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Postby The_Stalker on Fri Jan 07, 2005 5:10 pm

Lugnut wrote: Am I unrealistic in thinking that that is normal? And am I "damaged goods" and therefore undate-able because of a nasty, but treatable, disease?
Nah, you were just dating a prick. At least you admit your flaws and are trying to fix them, too many people who need help are in denial and wont get it.
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Postby Ryalyn on Fri Jan 07, 2005 6:14 pm

The_Stalker wrote:
Lugnut wrote: Am I unrealistic in thinking that that is normal? And am I "damaged goods" and therefore undate-able because of a nasty, but treatable, disease?
Nah, you were just dating a prick. At least you admit your flaws and are trying to fix them, too many people who need help are in denial and wont get it.


Amen to that!! And there's no such thing as "damaged goods" when talking about people.

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Postby Lugnut on Fri Jan 07, 2005 7:03 pm

Merci, darling.

And Dave was a prick. But a prick who had his moments, and who knew how to use them. Rather than bottle crap up, I'm not afraid to admit I needed help, and I wasn't afraid to actually seek it. Lord knows I'm the wiser for it. I think it's just the stigma of "mental help".

Either way I'm single, and I think that's the best way to be right now.
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Postby EdSaari on Sat Jan 08, 2005 5:34 am

Lugnut wrote: I was dating a guy, then found out I was sick... Found out later (and, when confronted, he admitted) that he "didn't want to be in a relationship with someone with any issues, health or otherwise". I'm the first to admit that I see a counselor. Probably smartest choice I've ever made. Am I unrealistic in thinking that that is normal? And am I "damaged goods" and therefore undate-able because of a nasty, but treatable, disease?


I can read that two ways: Are you ureasonable in think that, "seeing a counselor is (something other than) normal" -- and therefore "bad"? Yes, that assumption is unreasonable. There is NOTHING wrong with seeking medical - or healing - help in any form.
Are you unreasonable in thinking that WHAT HE DID is "normal"? Yes, again. His attitude is wholly off kilter - see first statement.

"Damaged goods"?? No way. Imperfect - yes, certainly ... I have news - we ALL are "imperfect".... that is NOTHING like "damaged" - BUT even so ...

You are talking about therapy. All therapies are essentially the same, whether we have to connect with and understand ourselves, or strengthen the muscles around a newly healed broken ankle. I can't see any difference, myself.... the desired result is reducing or eliminating pain altogether, and strengthening and revitalizing ourselves for that life ahead of us.

I truly feel a lot of pity for that guy. I think he must have a lot of trouble in dealing with HIS world.
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Postby Lugnut on Sat Jan 08, 2005 7:10 pm

That's my thinking. His thinking is "If you are f*cked enough that you require psychotherapy and antidepressants, and if you're sick enough that you have constant doctor's visits and could die, then you have problems, and I don't want to deal with problems. Therefore, g'bye." *sigh*

It's one of those situations where I know I'm far better off but am still bothered by it. For frag's sakes, he is nearly 30, still smokes a LOT of pot (which he lied to me about), and binge drinks. He's living at home in a dead end job. And *I* am the one who has more problems than is 'stable'?

I guess I'm in the process of learning that being a little lonely is better than being with someone who is less than you deserve.
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Postby pablo on Sat Jan 08, 2005 9:13 pm

I don't know the guy but he sounds like he has major issues. He needs to get out of his parent's house, stop smoking and drinking, and start contributing to society by getting a fucking job! Without any of that, and addressing any other issues he may have, he's in no position to be in a relationship.
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Postby EdSaari on Sun Jan 09, 2005 7:03 am

Lugnut wrote: His thinking is "... then you have problems, and I don't want to deal with problems."

I guess I'm in the process of learning that being a little lonely is better than being with someone who is less than you deserve.


That last phrase in the first paragrah is significant. He doesn't want to deal with problems ...

I'm sure he is trying to avoid his own problems by blaming somone else ... you. He doesn't - probably can not -- and even more probably, Is terrified of... dealing with his OWN problems.

I think you had some honest affection for the guy. Clinically it might be described as "indentifcation". You have offererd him a great gift - empathy .. and he has refused it, for whatever reason. Your reaction is completely understandable - and rational as all get out. Exactly what a human being any human being in the same situation should - anyone with a healthy amount of sensitivity i]would[/i] feel.

Oh, sweetie.... If I was only there ... a nice, big, warm hug!!!

Unfortunately, none of us are infinite or all-powerful. Things happen that we do not like .. and all we can do is move on.

Loneliness is not something anyone takes lightly. It is one of the most painful experiences we face. Wasn't there something in Wapsi ... "I don't like being alone ... beacuse I'm afraid of who I am.."??

This is going to sound strange... but the truth is that there is nothing in you - or me- or anyone - to be afraid of.

I gotta go ...

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Postby luchog on Sun Jan 09, 2005 12:10 pm

Lugnut wrote:I guess I'm in the process of learning that being a little lonely is better than being with someone who is less than you deserve.


Amen to that, sister. I just wish more of my friends would learn that a whole lot quicker (not to mention having a better idea of what they deserve). Would have saved them a lot of grief, and in one case, a few minor injuries (yes, her ex did hit her a bit, and she still stuck with the slut-queen bitch for almost two years). Fortunately, most of them did eventually find a spine, and booted the assholes. Unfortunately, a few managed to pick up new relationships that were just as bad, or worse.
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Postby Lugnut on Sun Jan 09, 2005 5:10 pm

That's a lesson everyone has to learn, I think. It's not enough just to get out of bad situations...you have to learn to STAY out of them. Otherwise it's out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Then again Valentine's is just around the corner...anybody up for a Lonelyhearts party in the Chicagoland area?
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Postby crypto on Sun Jan 09, 2005 5:36 pm

Sounds Fun Lugnut, but a little out of my area. PA. But we can always throw one here at the pub.
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crypto wrote:
"noskunkonskunkactionforyou".

We can dream can't we? Actually, I'm picturing Skunk on Ellen on Nan on skunk action.

Ooh, best idea I've heard today! Or read, i guess...


Quadraxis wrote:Crypto, your mind is a very disturbing sandwich. The kind of sandwich you decide not to eat and just let rot somewhere unnoticeable.
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Postby crypto on Tue Feb 01, 2005 7:45 pm

You must all be gettign tired of me gripeing? Well I've got a new one for you.

Beth dumped the cop a while ago, and in the last week has:
1) had a sex dream involveing me, which she woke up screaming from.
2) has begun dateing a librarian who is more or less a purified version of me.

Dream first:
Nothign to special about it, she dreamed she got me drunk and took advantage of me in her mom's bed/house. Asked "how was I?" as a joke, "I don't know. . ."

The Librarian:
He is. . . Oh lets see germiphobic, his eyes do not wander, kisses her hand, . . . it goes on. And while she tells me this I'm just thinking, What's he got that I don't? He is basicaly a purer version of me. Purer as in innocent.

Honestly I have no idea what I think about this guy besides I pitty him, but if I pity him it's like i'm pitying myself.

So I'll just leave this at a disgusted WOMEN!!!!
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Infuego wrote:
crypto wrote:
"noskunkonskunkactionforyou".

We can dream can't we? Actually, I'm picturing Skunk on Ellen on Nan on skunk action.

Ooh, best idea I've heard today! Or read, i guess...


Quadraxis wrote:Crypto, your mind is a very disturbing sandwich. The kind of sandwich you decide not to eat and just let rot somewhere unnoticeable.
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Postby Fhqwhgads on Tue Feb 01, 2005 9:53 pm

Waitwaitwaitaminute. Hang on a sec, she tells you she had a dream in which she gets you drunk and takes advantage of you, and then she tells you she woke up from it screaming? :x She is messing with your head my friend. On purpose, if my experiences have any weight at all. You already know that she knows that you have a crush on her if memory serves. She is messing with you and she knows it and frankly, I don't even care what her motivation is, you have got to get out of that situation. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but sticking around is only going to cause you more damage. Get away, get centered, get a vision for who you are now vs. who you are in your ideal world, work out the steps to get from one to the other, and start working to achieve that. That sounds really blase just tossed off like that as I re-read this, but without going into a whole book right on the spot, that is really the place to start. Once you know who you are, you can step around the tricks she pulls like a tai chi master. Or even better, David Carradine on Kung Fu. Yeah. There you go. :wink:

PS. My mighty & fabled w1fx0r just read this and a moment later yelled from the other room "If he thinks he's miserable now, just wait till he gets what he thinks he wants!" :)
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Postby pablo on Tue Feb 01, 2005 11:40 pm

Agreed with Fhqwhgads. She's just messing with you and it's just going to get more unhealthy. Work her out of your life for your own well being.
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Postby crypto on Wed Feb 02, 2005 5:49 am

Woh there, she does not know about the crush I used to have on her.
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Infuego wrote:
crypto wrote:
"noskunkonskunkactionforyou".

We can dream can't we? Actually, I'm picturing Skunk on Ellen on Nan on skunk action.

Ooh, best idea I've heard today! Or read, i guess...


Quadraxis wrote:Crypto, your mind is a very disturbing sandwich. The kind of sandwich you decide not to eat and just let rot somewhere unnoticeable.
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Postby ajax on Wed Feb 02, 2005 7:04 am

crypto wrote:Woh there, she does not know about the crush I used to have on her.

What do you mean "used to"? Sounds like it hasn't gone away. But you should -- run away!

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Postby crypto on Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:26 am

ajax wrote:
crypto wrote:Woh there, she does not know about the crush I used to have on her.

What do you mean "used to"? Sounds like it hasn't gone away. But you should -- run away!

Ajax


Ok maybe there is a little of it still there, or maybe I'm just jelious of all the attention she's giveing this guy. I don't know.
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Infuego wrote:
crypto wrote:
"noskunkonskunkactionforyou".

We can dream can't we? Actually, I'm picturing Skunk on Ellen on Nan on skunk action.

Ooh, best idea I've heard today! Or read, i guess...


Quadraxis wrote:Crypto, your mind is a very disturbing sandwich. The kind of sandwich you decide not to eat and just let rot somewhere unnoticeable.
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Postby The_Stalker on Wed Feb 02, 2005 12:51 pm

Ahh crap! Now I have got my own problem. Maybe yall can help most of you seem to give good advice. So poor me some scotch and lets get ready to humble.

So I've known this girl for a while, lets call her Betty for now, and no duh I like her. Anyway about sixth months ago, "Betty" was temporarily homeless, and had no way to contact family who might help her out. I heard about it and immediately called in nearly all my favors. I arranged for her to live with a friend untill she could get it back together. It took her almost two months but she pulled through

Now she and the friend I set her up with are dating. He's an alright guy overall, but a real asshole to women. Things went well for a time and I was feeling good thinking I helped out two of my good friends. Untill recently, then I noticed she had a few bruises. It angered me, but she and he worked it out, claiming they were just "playing" too rough. She still loves him and he loves her, but lately things have been unusual. Things she would normally have gone to him for she is now talking to me about. She spends alot less time with him and alot more with me, even sleeping at my apartment instead of hers or his sometimes.

Publicly the two are as close or closer than ever, but as a close friend of both I cant help but notice that its all an act. How can I tell her what she isnt ready to hear? How can I tell her that maybe its time to leave him?
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Postby Lugnut on Wed Feb 02, 2005 2:09 pm

WOAH NELLY.

I heard the word 'bruises' and that tore it.

Playing too rough my ass. Used that excuse MANY times. Not only is it time for her to end it, it's PAST time. If I'm playing with someone I could potentially hurt (a kid, for example), I make a BIG effort to ensure that no injury would occur. Sounds like this guy doesn't think that far ahead.

Either way, especially if this relationship is becoming more song and dance than love and understanding, time for her to move on. She may feel indebted to the guy for bailing her out, but that's no excuse to stay in what could very well be an abusive situation. Tell her it's high time to bail.
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Postby Fhqwhgads on Wed Feb 02, 2005 4:55 pm

'Zackly. What she said. Not remotely a joke.

Try this page.
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Postby The_Stalker on Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:03 pm

Hey, I am not trying to justify anything at all. Maybe you misinterpretted "playing", I put the quotes there for a reason. Its a euphemism people. Anyway I dont honestly think its an abusive situation, its just not right and neither one wants to admit it. Maybe the bruises occurred from rough sex (BDSM etc...), maybe they are from a one time argument gone way way too far. I dont know for sure but I do know it isnt a recurring problem, nor is there a history of it prior.

The bruises were mentioned as they were quite probably the turning point of the relationship. They jumped the shark after the bruises, regardless of their origin.

If you read the last two lines of my post, my question was really HOW? Not should I?
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Postby The_Stalker on Wed Feb 02, 2005 11:15 pm

Lugnut wrote: She may feel indebted to the guy for bailing her out, but that's no excuse to stay in what could very well be an abusive situation. Tell her it's high time to bail.
I bailed her out not him. That wasnt clear but then again it didnt enter into the issue so I didnt include it. I knew my friend had a place and needed extra cash, so I paid her rent and they became apartmentmates.
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Postby Fhqwhgads on Thu Feb 03, 2005 5:39 am

The_Stalker wrote:If you read the last two lines of my post, my question was really HOW? Not should I?


Right, that's what the link was for. I haven't read all through it yet but Helpguide is generally a good resource for this sort of thing. We're on the same page though. Hope it helps.
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Postby Lugnut on Thu Feb 03, 2005 8:25 pm

Gomen. Thought you were unsure on the issue.

Just ask her what she likes about the guy. Then what she doesn't. Compare the lists. When one's short and the other's long, you know there's an issue there.

It's all in the questions you ask....a lot of times that's the easiest way to get someone to come to a conclusion themselves. They hear their own words, and it makes them think.

Hope that that's more helpful....dunno what else to tell you.
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Postby daringarlyn353x on Thu Feb 03, 2005 9:49 pm

doing that is what John COnstantine does in the comic hellblazer, anyways has anyone seen the movie is it worth it?
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Postby Lugnut on Wed Feb 09, 2005 9:29 pm

I don't think it's out yet.

And I'm back on a bender. I was seeing a very nice young man. Intelligent, sweet, interesting, etc etc. Tells me tonight that he doesn't want a relationship. We've been seeing each other for a month and a half, and up until last week, we had really nice Valentine's day plans. I shoulda seen it coming when he told me plans were going to be cancelled because his roomie's girlfriend couldn't make it (we were double dating). Bah.

Should I still be friends with him? He said he "still wants to talk if we see each other online". I don't see that happening, I don't keep that close a watch on my BL, and I kinda got off the phone a bit abruptly. Should I try?

Also, a mini-rant, my fam is a joke. I was rather upset about this...yeah, I know, only was seeing him for a month and a half, but I really was into him. And Mom comes in in the midst of him telling me this, expecting me to fix a pair of earrings for her. I wasn't very nice when she tried to insist I "tell whoever it is to hold on", and she was crabby with me. I tried to explain to her what happened, and that I was upset, and she remained crabby...got worse, actually. I mean hell. Last time I checked, it's a bad idea to wait til someone is pretty upset to give them the cold shoulder for something minor. BLAH!!!
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