Telling my problems to the bar tender

[TheTeague]

I have those demons too. For the past couple of months they got pretty loud too. Hadn't thought that much about suicide since High School. Not planning it, just thinking alot about it.

I'm doing alot better now that I have a job and some good classes coming up this quarter. I think the main thing is to keep busy and not give yourself that much time to think while you're alone, bored, and depressed. Not to mention actually earning money again after like half a year of unemployment has given my confidence a much needed boost.

[BathroomKey]

Thanks Teague. Although, I didn't mean it to sound like I was suicidal at all. You're very right in a lot of ways though. Don't the Amish have a saying that "No work is the devil" or something? My lack of structure is affecting me and that

[pablo]

Like the saying, "We are all our own worst critic," we can all be our own worst company. When we are alone with nothing to occupy our time (or nothing to make us feel as though we are contributing or useful) that is when our self doubt can really bring us down. By no means is this a statement that we should never be alone or take time away from others to just be alone. The act of being alone helps us to find out who we really are but we can't venture there unguarded. We have to already enter with self worth and love of those near to us.
It's best to get out and be around others regularly, don't keep yourself in a cave. Go to a coffee shop, park, or any comfortable public place to read or work on a project (work doesn't count but work is one of those important elements that can help bring us the strength of self worth).
Make yourself useful; if you're between jobs, try volunteering somewhere (you can't be job hunting all the time).
Everyone has their own personal demons, and if they occupy the majority of you time, their words can become seductive and believable. The trick is keeping yourself occupied with things that will give you the strength when you are alone (and not just avoiding being alone).

[Ryalyn]

Idle hands are the devil's playground.

Is what you were thinking about?

You sound a little bit like one of my closest guy friends. He's a melancholy, if you're familiar with that breakdown of personality types (melancholy/sanguine/choleric/phlegmatic). He tends to get a little blue if he sits still for too long without anyone to keep him company. Actually, even if he does have people around him, if he's in one of his moods, he's just blue. And eventually, he gets out of it. But I agree with Pablo--Get outside and involved. Maybe set yourself some goals, if that'll help you. And then do them. (That's where I always fail. I'm a phlegmatic, which means that if I set myself some goals, I tend to not do them. I just decide that they don't matter and just get over it. But that's off topic.)

BK, try to get out around some people where you're comfortable. It could be that you've forgotten how much you like your friends. I've done that. And sometimes it just seems like it's just too hard to get there and deal with everybody, but just do it once a week. Go and hang out. Maybe it'll help.

I'm probably not the greatest person to be talking here, so please, people, tell me off if I'm wrong. I get the blues sometimes, but, like I said, I'm phlegmatic (INFJ/high S, did I mention I love personality types research?) so I'm pretty easygoing and don't stay down for very long.

And, of course, if you need us, BathroomKey, we're here for you.

[Fhqwhgads]

Sort of O/T: I actually bought that personality tree book but I still haven't read it yet. I don't know if you're familiar with the Matrixx Colors system (sort of based on a watered-down Meyers-Briggs) but I scored a 48-Green (it ranges between 12 and 48 ) when I took it for work, which means basically, I'm Spock. Analytical, logical, etc. Not neccessarily tactful however. Which suits me well for a job in IT. I'm the server troll. Which means I spend as long as I can in the server room so that I don't have to deal with those, y'know....humans.

Actually, Glenn Gould had a great quote that I've kept, where he said

I don't know what the effective ratio would be, but I've always had a sort of intuition that for every hour you spend with other human beings, you need x number of hours alone. Now what that x represents, I don't really know, whether it's 2 7/8 or 7 2/8, but... it's a substantial ratio.

...so, re-reading what just went before, I guess that puts me on the other end of the spectrum? *shrug*

[azalea2]

BathroomKey: It's hard to say what to do to help; everyone is different. For me, a lot of what i do depends on what my brain is doing, and how bad it is.

Exercise is a pretty consistent mood brightener. Yeah, it's hard to convince oneself to move, but going out and taking a walk can help. Just being outside during the day can be good; sunlight helps.

There's also the good old eating/sleeping right, though sometimes brain can undermine those.

Avoid drinking; alcohol is a depressant.

If my brain is yabbering on and on about negatives (what is called "ruminating"), sometimes i try to drown it out with something else: playing music and singing along, setting up a more positive loop of thoughts. It's hard, but try to be attentive to what every bit of your brain is saying, and rebut the negative thoughts.
Rebuttals: "You are a failure" -> "No I'm not, X just complimented me on the great job I did with Y"; "You're a big fat bitch who does not deserve to eat" -> "No, food is necessary for life"; "You're a waste of oxygen" -> "No, I'm a person just like everyone else, and I deserve to live".
Chants: "I exist"; "I deserve to live"; "I like myself"; "I can be happy". Okay, those all sound very lame, but they're something to fight back with.
Sometimes i just put my hands over my ears and chant "shut up shut up shut up i don't believe you shut up", but people look at you weird then.

It makes me feel better to actually *do* something: weed a patch of the garden, walk to the grocery store and back, make a loaf of bread. Sometimes you have to be very careful with this; making it your goal for the day to make bread and then have it turn out flat and burnt is discouraging. Try to find some positive, like "now i know that the cold water killed the yeast" or "i've learned that the oven thermostat is unreliable and i need an oven thermometer".

Push yourself every day; talk to someone, go out of your room, take a shower and get dressed, whatever is a step beyond what you think you're capable of. Sometimes you think it's impossible to go out the door, but in a few hours you find that you are actually surviving the outside world and almost *enjoying* it.

Talking/writing down what in your head can help, as long as you don't wallow. If you're coming up with new and useful ideas, or putting ideas into words for the first time, that's good. If you're writing the same thing over and over in slightly different ways, that's bad. Take a break and read a book, if you have enough concentration. If not, stare at calming pictures; i have a couple of art books to look at. I find Andy Goldsworthy's work good for recentering.

There's always "talking to a therapist", or even "talking to a psychiatrist", if you feel that things are bad enough. However, it can be very hard to find someone who will be helpful.

I don't know if any of this is of any use, or if you're looking for "more severe brain breakage" or "less severe brain breakage".

[BathroomKey]

Ry, azalea, pablo, teague...I don't deserve all this attention. Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts with me. I have a small pad thats small enough to carry in the front pocket of my bag and I've copied down little bits of information from your posts (I didn't want to print any of this out...if I did I probably wind up losing it anyway). I'm trying to keep track of what works and what doesn't...trial and error sort of thing of where and when I'm productive. Its been hard, but not bad (does that make sense?). I feel like I'm learning how to walk again and hopefully if I ever should get as bad as I was when I first posted, I'll have some "Cliff notes".

I've had to return to some phone calls from friends who were wondering where I'd been and all I could really say is "I'm sorry, man". It's a downer to have to hear yourself say "I'm sorry" all the time but I'll make sure it doesn't become habit forming. If I do let it happen, I'd be back to square one again. I've been reasonably successful but there are some calls I am just not ready to answer. Their all women of course and I just don't have the energy. I just want to be boring, productive, with the occasional night out. So, now I have to go and be somewhat productive. I'll keep swinging for now and if I go 3 for 10 then I'll be batting .300

Thank you again.and if some of this makes no sense its because I was rushing a bit towards the end!

[azalea2]

Glad to hear that you're doing better. Yeah, it's all trial and error. Problem I have is that what works one time may make things worse another; I need to keep very close track of my mental state. Writing a "cheat sheet" of what to do is a very good thing.

Don't worry about having to apologize; friends should be able to accept, if not completely understand.

[Ryalyn]

Stumbles up to the bar and flops on to a stool, forehead planted firmly on the bar surface. She sighs, then plops a HUGE box of tissues up next to her head.

I'm crabby. I'm heading to bed in just a second, but I wanted to just complain that I'm stressed with my job and with stuff with church and with this play that I'm in on Saturday and Sunday. And to top it all off, I haven't been able to breathe out of my nose right for the last day and a half because I'm allergic to practically everything that's blooming right now. I took some generic Claritin this morning that didn't seem to help at all and now I'm starting to feel the effects of the Benedril that I took an hour ago (thank God!). But I'm probably going to be late to work again tomorrow, my nose is peeling because I keep blowing it, my left eye keeps watering (and only my left, really; not both), my boss is going to be uptight because his boss is keeping really close tabs on him for some unknown reason, I'm going to be gone all day tomorrow because I'm going to have play practices from as soon as I get off work until after 11, and I'm just going completely INSANE!!!

The only thing getting me through this week is knowing that my parents are coming down from Wisconsin on Sunday and they're going to see the play and then next week I'm only working in the mornings so I can spend time with my family in the afternoon and finally recuperate from the last couple months.

*sigh*

Three more days.

Pulls out a tissue and very carefully blows her nose before falling asleep, tissue still clamped in her hand.

[Kestralyn]

Pulls out a tissue and very carefully blows her nose before falling asleep, tissue still clamped in her hand.

*shifts to walking on two legs and brings Ryalyn a blanket, pillow, and an air mattress. gets her settled in with a new box of Puffs Plus next to her head*

Wow! Stressed and sick fairy -- how sad. I'm sure the play will go well this weekend, and you get to see the 'rents. Sounds like a positive.

One thing, though: don't go for the generic Claritin. It doesn't actually work anywhere near as well. Treat yourself to a box of the real thing!

[pablo]

*Sprinkles "sleep well sprinkles" over Ryalyn*

I've had yucky allergies most of my life. Claritin doesn't put a dent in my runny nose or watery eyes. I've found over the counter "Benadryl Dye-free Allergy" to be the best working medicine. And "Kleenex Lotion Tissue with Aloe" is best for a sore, often blown nose.
Take one thing at a time and try not to let your boss's stress become your stress. Break-a-leg at you play this weekend!

[kinako mochi]

*Hands Ryalyn a teddy bear, and sets a steamy warm grilled cheese sandwich and a butterscotch steamer drink on the bar*

Ew. That sucks. I haven't worn my contacts since last week, my right eye is the one that bugs me (got the dreaded jelly bumps on my eyelid from the morning-star-like pollen from cottonwood trees studding the surface of my contacts, but only the right eye, strange). I haven't been able to breathe through my nose since childhood, (one nostril clogged or the other), but I grew up around blooming sugar cane, which is nasty for those who aren't around it all the time.

[azalea2]

how i deal with allergies:
Kleenex with lotion
HEPA air filters
allergy casings for all bedding
neti pot (seems gross, but a huge help)
A&D ointment (for diaper rash; works well to soothe a nose rubbed red and raw from Kleenex)
don't blow your nose; just gently dab when gunk drips out, or put bits of Kleenex up nostrils (again, gross, but any port in a storm)

I'm a classic nonresponder. Allergy meds only work a few months before they poop out; 6 years of allergy shots did nada. My allergist recommended that i move to a completely new climate every four years, since he claimed that four years is how long it takes to develop allergies. (Last time i tested that, it seemed that year #3 was horrid, but oh well.)

*much sympathy*

[kinako mochi]

Being that 1) it seems to make a lot of intuitive sense, 2) I've heard of this used in Japan before, and 3) I like to try things, I think I'm going to give this neti pot a go.

I'm tired of throwing pills at illness, and I do have the crushed-leaf, perpetual blowing irritation, though not as bad as a week ago.

I'm wondering at the difference

[Fhqwhgads]

*jacks sympathy emitter up to Turbo and leaves running*

I don't generally get the itchy eyes type stuff - I live at 6,000 feet with an average of 15% humidity - what normally happens is I spend my days with a nose full of gushers and blood clots. (Yes, you're welcome for the visual.)

Although the last couple of weeks I've had something new going on - not so much nasal congestion as a feeling that I constantly need to clear my throat, but to no effect. Like my whole windpipe is full of gunk. Unpleasant.

I'm spending the weekend at 8,500 feet (yay!)...we'll see what kind of effect that has. News At 11.

[Ryalyn]

Wow! Thanks, guys!

I feel a little silly complaining now, after hearing that a bunch of you have it worse than I do. I guess I get sick so infrequently that I don't appreciate it until I'm not feeling well.

Recommendations for drugs are fantastic. Tomorrow I'm going to head back to Walmart and pick up some decongestant, a new box of soft tissues, some other drugs, and, if you're serious, some A&D ointment. I've never heard of it, but I'm willing to try it. I've also never heard of a neti pot, so I'm going to have to do some research there. I talked with my dad, who's an RN and asked his advise and then I talked with my older brother who has terrible fall allergies. Dad recommended I consider nasal sprays.

I was late to work again today--making it a record week of being late every single day. I don't know what I'd do if I had a schedule like your's, Kinako. I don't have to be to work until 8:30 and I'm still late. There must be something wrong with me. Ugh.

Fhq, I had a persistent cough for 4 1/2 years before I was diagnosed with mild G.E.R.D. You might want to consider that. I hope you have a fantastic weekend, though!!

Again, thanks for all your support!

[azalea2]

Oh yes, i'm quite serious about the A&D ointment. It's basically vaseline with added vitamins (A and D, natch) and stuff, and it's oh so very soothing. It may be in the band-aid section, where neosporin and burn treatments hang out, or it may be in the baby care section.

I think i got my neti pot from here. It did take me several different tries to actually use it, but it's great if you can get over the initial revulsion. I don't buy the special neti salt; i just use kosher salt (which i believe is non-iodized). TMI ALERT: I think it's great fun to see what crud gets flushed out if i've "forgotten" to wear my dust mask when gardening. =)

Both the A&D ointment and Neti were recommended to me by my doctors. (And it did take recommendations from several ones before i gave the neti a good chance.)

Personally, i hate nasal sprays, but i've only used prescription ones. They had a tendency to fly to the back of my nose, hit the nasal wall, run down my throat, and give me a horrid sore throat for 3-4 hours - which is bad when you factor in that i was supposed to be using the crap 4-6 times a day. I decided that i was used to not being able to breathe, so i'd rather deal with that than the new always having a sore throat. Oh, did i mention the gag-tastic taste? Ick.

[Ryalyn]

Awesome, Azalea! I'll definitely be looking into that stuff.

It poured down rain a few days ago and that really helped me a lot with my allergies, and my drugs kicked in, so I've been doing really great the last couple of days. Yea!

Tonight and yesterday evening was the play and it went off almost without a hitch. There were the usual forgotten lines, missed props, stuff like that. But, all in all, it went off very well. I'm very glad. It was so much fun, but I'm so glad it's over and I can finally stop worrying about it.

The stinky part of my evening was that Mom and Dad got stuck too far away for me to get them and get back before the performance, so they missed it. Very sad. And it's silly because it's just a play and I'm 25 years old and not living even on the same side of the country as my parents, so it shouldn't be that big of a deal. But it was. So, I'm telling y'all about the play because I feel bad telling them how fun and great it was when they weren't able to see it. Mom cried when she called to tell me that they weren't going to make it in time, which made me cry. But they did record it and they're going to make a DVD of it, so I'll be able to get that for them.

Anyway. Yea for less stress!!

Anybody else got any updates on their issues? I love hearing when things are actually looking better, but it doesn't seem to get talked about in here much. Maybe I'm just too nosy.

[azalea2]

Hmmm, i generally just say "things are going much better" or say nothing. =P

But really, things have been going pretty well recently...

[The_Stalker]

Well Things are returning to "eh" levels with me and my issues. Both parties still cant stand me, but I'm getting used to it. It sucks sometimes because I will see do do something my friend and I used to love and he aint there to share the "wow cool".

[Ryalyn]

I guess I'm just nosy. But I'm so glad that things are at least not as bad as they were before (if that sentence works right)!! Here's to hoping that things with your problems will get much better as we go along!

Buys them both a drink.

[azalea2]

thanks Ryalyn for the fizzy water

I had written a longer update - looked at it and decided that i sounded oh so very messed up - shorted it somewhat - decided that it still sounded like it would be dangerous to leave me alone - shortened it more - still no good - and finally took out pretty much everything.

Ah, well, that's life. As long as i keep on growing and changing.

If you're really curious, i could give more of an update, but it would probably cause unwarranted worry and concern. I'm still alive, and have been doing well a greater proportion of the time. Live and learn, live and learn, as long as you don't forget the live part.

[BathroomKey]

Ug. I've been on roller coaster lately. I'm still "blundering forward" (that sort of means falling down but at least you're falling down forward instead of on you

[crypto]

Why do i only Delurk in this forum when I have a problem? Not exactaly sure how to discribe my latest one so i'll just copy and paste the e-mails.

My friend:
I would like to tell you something but don't let your feelings get hurt.
ok??

Me:
Go a head.

MF:
hmmm. Ok here goes: Remeber this isn't an insult just the way I feel.

ok: I find that I like you over the phone and through email than I do in
person. Sorry, but you let more out in the phone than you do in person, You
can't change that, so I prefer being friends through phone and email
contact. I would say this is nothing against you but it would make no sense
since it is. If you want to talk about this call me.

Me:
:Blink Blink:

Not insulted or anything, just not enterly sure how to respond.

Yeah I had noticed I open up more over the phone and e-mail too. Not sure why.

MF:
so then thats that, I would rather we contiue the relationship over the phone and through email.

Me:
Ok that part is a little insulting. Yeah I want to/think we shoul talk about this, but you've got a date and I don't want to ruin it.

Have fun.

No further replies so far.

So that's the latest.

[BathroomKey]

Pours Crypto his beverage of choice

I can't help finding it a little interesting how we're on opposite sides of the fence. You seem to trying to break further ground into a relationship while I'm having difficulty shutting the cellar door on mine. I can only give you my thoughts and not much else.

Personally, I think you have a right to be insulted about her answer of "so then that