Telling my problems to the bar tender

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Postby azalea2 on Fri May 13, 2005 2:17 pm

not knowing what you want: yes, very familiar.

One method is to just try something for a while, figure out what you love and hate about it, then try something else based on that. I've circled my way up to a job I enjoy by doing that. (Okay, I've also relied on college friends for job leads.) Works for not only a job but also for hobbies, etc.

I know that for me moving the hell away from my parents was a big impetus for getting out on my own.
You don't know me.
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Postby crypto on Fri May 13, 2005 6:33 pm

Didn't help that she was takeing her bad day out on me. her problem i can't get into.

I just don't know what my problem is. Self confindence issues I guess. Specaly after her confedance beat down.

I go through the list of things I like, and some of them, like cooking, I think If i chose this line of work I'm going to end up hateing doing it after a while and i don't want that.

My intrests/stuff I enjoy(ed):
Books > book store or the like > even i admit it's boreing
cooking > as I stated above & what if I don't cook something enough or over cook it
camp instructer > teaching > kids after a point drive me nuts
Net > web design >
Art > ceramics/clay > no future that I can see

Moveing isn't a bad idea, but I'm not in a place where I can right now.
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Infuego wrote:
crypto wrote:
"noskunkonskunkactionforyou".

We can dream can't we? Actually, I'm picturing Skunk on Ellen on Nan on skunk action.

Ooh, best idea I've heard today! Or read, i guess...


Quadraxis wrote:Crypto, your mind is a very disturbing sandwich. The kind of sandwich you decide not to eat and just let rot somewhere unnoticeable.
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Postby azalea2 on Fri May 13, 2005 7:31 pm

Out of those interests, web design seems the most promising. Some things (like cooking and ceramics) are best left as hobbies (so as not to drain the fun out of them).
Although, either a bookstore job or teaching sound like good "temporary" things, just to get out and do something. Hmmm; retail sucks, because of dealing with customers. Kids can be as annoying as hell, but at least they can learn, right?

I succeeded in moving out during college. I went to school far away from my parents, and the first summer i got a random campus job just so i could stay around in the dorms, so that was a good initiation to "I can pay my own way, damnit". After i left school, i was suffering burnout, moved in to share a two-bedroom apartment with a classmate, and worked a minimum wage job that just barely covered my share of the rent. That sucked, but I had decided that I'd rather live on the street than go back home, so.

Self-confidence is hard. Often i just do the "fake it until you make it" thing: put on the happy face mask and pretend you're confident, and it's amazing how many people you'll fool. Ah, i just remembered something from 6th grade: we were doing a class musical, and in one part, everyone was supposed to snap their fingers to the music. The teachers instructed those of us who couldn't snap (like me) to just pretend. Much to my astonishment, after several weeks of pretending, i was actually making a slight snapping noise! If only "real life" were that easy to fake...
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Postby kinako mochi on Sat May 14, 2005 12:42 am

Crypto, I've been following this thread for a while now, and I see some fundamental things that may underlie her frustration with you.

First of all, if someone is doing a LOT of work, plus suffering family problems, I'd not trouble them with your own problems, especially when she is living and doing what she is advising you to do.

Second, if people see that one of your problems is lack of initiative, how can you say that you want to do what you want? If you are afraid to do something, on what basis can you refuse to at least try something out?

When I was a monk at the Buddhist monastery, one of the roshis (Zen masters) came up to me and asked, "What is delusion?" I answered, something that you think is true but is not? He said "No. Delusion is getting to a fork in the road, and rather than going one way or another, vacillate on the fence. THAT is delusion."

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Postby crypto on Sat May 14, 2005 10:27 am

Thanks both of you. between you and her, I've got a lot to think about.

Wanna know why you don't
complain to me Steve: Because you have nothing to complain to me about.
Wanna kow why you listen to me for hours: Because you have nothing better to
do.


I know I should tell her this bit, and I have.

I don't complain because I didn't want to be one of those that adds to her problems, even though I aparently have without saying anything.

I listen to her for hours because I enjoy it, even when she hits the TMI line, and at times it's the only way I think I can help her.
Current Goonmanji form:The game board

Infuego wrote:
crypto wrote:
"noskunkonskunkactionforyou".

We can dream can't we? Actually, I'm picturing Skunk on Ellen on Nan on skunk action.

Ooh, best idea I've heard today! Or read, i guess...


Quadraxis wrote:Crypto, your mind is a very disturbing sandwich. The kind of sandwich you decide not to eat and just let rot somewhere unnoticeable.
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Postby Ryalyn on Tue May 17, 2005 8:07 am

Why won't this guy just believe me when I say that I don't want to get back involved, don't want to think about marrying him? Why can't I be mean enough so he'll get the idea? Why do I love him so much as a friend, but not as someone I could love like that?

. . . . *sigh*
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Postby The_Stalker on Tue May 17, 2005 9:25 am

Ryalyn wrote: Why do I love him so much as a friend, but not as someone I could love like that?

. . . . *sigh*

Because Love, true love, comes in many flavors. The greeks had it right, they had four words that are all Love. Storge, Philia, Eros, and Agape, meaning affection for non-human things (animals, objects, food, etc), friendly love, passionate love, and the sacrificial love (loving someone such that you will give up your happiness to let them keep theirs.) respectively.

Philia is nice, it is the comfortable companionship that friends so often feel, there are almost no downsides to philia. Eros is the primal passion the love of lovers, never wanting to leave their side because the they make you feel complete, but it can make you blind and tie you down before you are ready. Agape, ohhh there is nothing that feels so wonderfully painful as agape. Agape, is the love of a mother, the love of God, the love of everyone who ever made a choice that hurt them to save another, it is the tragic love. It is pain and pleasure in equal portions and wonderfully addictive, I whole heartedly recommend it.

You love him, I understand that, but is it a complete love encompassing all three human loves (eros, philia, agape), or does it only cover one or two aspects?

I have loved a few people in my life (very few, but that doesnt matter), and if you attach yourself to someone just because you love him in one way and not another, it only brings pain. Love him how you can and do, but done foolishly cling thinking the other loves will come. That brings pain. Trust me I know.

I tend towards Agape, its how I first learned to love, and have never yet found eros. I have ended up hurting myself so often because of it. Learn to love, its part of growing up, but dont love too much and bring yourself to ruin.

In short, you love him because in some ways he appeals to your soul, but he isnt a complete match. Keep him around, but dont push looking for things that just arent there. It sounds like you understand philia and eros well enough, but watch out for agape.

EDIT; Apparently C.S. Lewis wrote a book called "The Four Loves" that gets really good reviews on the subject. Anne Bishop also had a good quote on the subject. She wrote of a man trapped by an invisible ring. He loved a woman, but didnt know it. He asked "but how do I know it is love?" and was answered "Gold doesnt require that you throw away your silver."
Last edited by The_Stalker on Tue May 17, 2005 9:45 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby crypto on Tue May 17, 2005 9:25 am

Ryalyn wrote:Why won't this guy just believe me when I say that I don't want to get back involved, don't want to think about marrying him? Why can't I be mean enough so he'll get the idea? Why do I love him so much as a friend, but not as someone I could love like that?

. . . . *sigh*


Cause we (men) are thick headed, it's not in your nature to be that mean, and I don't know.
Current Goonmanji form:The game board

Infuego wrote:
crypto wrote:
"noskunkonskunkactionforyou".

We can dream can't we? Actually, I'm picturing Skunk on Ellen on Nan on skunk action.

Ooh, best idea I've heard today! Or read, i guess...


Quadraxis wrote:Crypto, your mind is a very disturbing sandwich. The kind of sandwich you decide not to eat and just let rot somewhere unnoticeable.
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Postby The_Stalker on Wed May 18, 2005 6:27 am

Alright, time for me to hit up the bar tender again. Scotch neat please.

So, same girl as always, this time sans asshole boyfriend I set her up with. We both have admitted we love each other, and its great to feel loved in return.

My problem is that she is in trouble, and I cant help. How can I stand aside and not help her? Its not that I dont want to, or that she wont accept my help, its that I physically cannot help, and it hurts.

Again she is homeless and jobless (sudden recent medical issues got in the way), and this time I am out of favors owed and broke to boot. I cant give her so much as a spot on the floor where I live (living with others myself), and no one I know is willing to take the chance on her. She is a decent person, and a hardworking individual, but its hard to get a job if your current address is "the box under the 5th st bridge".

I have faith that God won't give me anything I cant handle, but lately I wonder just how competent He thinks I am. I guess I just need to have more faith.

There's nothing I nor any of you can do to help, but sometimes just sitting and talking about it can ease the ache. So pour me a double and if you've got the time, squirt a prayer my way.
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Postby crypto on Mon May 23, 2005 10:39 am

Oi.

Beth problems again.

She's been dateing some one for 17 days and. . . damn she has me doing it. She has it timed to the second. Basicaly she is makeing me sick talking about this guy. She isn't acting like herself. normaly if a guy can't commit to her, she assumes he's playing the field so she does it too, not this one. She is commited to him fully, even if he isn't commited to her.

All the bad traits she normaly can't stand in a guy, she's finding adorable in him. Things I've told her, and she didn't believe he tells her and she believes. And she's gushing about it. She has abandoned doing stuff she likes doing "I'm bored of shopping and clubing", she is even considering giveing up her job as a cop. Normaly i'd be happy as hell about this, but she's not thinking strait. She normal can't stand her secretary job, but lately she's been volenteering to go in.

Normaly I try and be as honest with her, but with this one all I've been able to do is choke out "I'm happy for you" and sputter and stammer cause i can't find words to express what the hell I am thinking. Mainly because I get the feeling if I was honest with her, it would result in a fight and i'd end up feeling like crap (which usualy happens any way) and we'd stop talking. She's already done that to a number of her friends who have told given her their opinions about this relationship.

But not being honest with her makes me feel like crap for some reason.
Current Goonmanji form:The game board

Infuego wrote:
crypto wrote:
"noskunkonskunkactionforyou".

We can dream can't we? Actually, I'm picturing Skunk on Ellen on Nan on skunk action.

Ooh, best idea I've heard today! Or read, i guess...


Quadraxis wrote:Crypto, your mind is a very disturbing sandwich. The kind of sandwich you decide not to eat and just let rot somewhere unnoticeable.
User avatar
crypto
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