[Fanfic] Ed Bunny, Private Eye: Moider Most Foul

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[Fanfic] Ed Bunny, Private Eye: Moider Most Foul

Postby Piebunny on Fri Oct 06, 2006 12:32 am

Ed's got a murder mystery on his hands.... Can he race against the clock and find out whodunnit?

***

It was a dark and stormy night... wait, no it wasn't. It was ten o'clock in da morning, and it was partly cloudy.
It was a partly-cloudy ten o'clock in da morning. I sat behind my desk and chewed on some gum. It was designed to get me off unlabelled soda. Lately my cravings had been getting woise and woise. Suddenly my intercom buzzed.
"There's a cat-person here to see you sir," my new secretary said.
"Send 'em in, Miss Sidhe."
Miss Sidhe was one of da best secretaries in town. She had woiked at Town Hall, before she quit her job and came ta woik for me. She made better coffee dan my last secretary, who had toined out to be one of my mortal enemies. Da secretary, not da coffee.
Da door flew open and Brylian Troy, da most influential cat-poyson in town, boist in. Not every day you get a visit from someone as important as Troy.
"Brylian Troy? Haven't seen you since you helped me with dat teddy-theft case. What can I do for you?"
"There's been a murder," he gasped. "The Cat Loder is dead!"
"DEAD?!" I yelled, almost fallin' outta my chair.
Alright, I did fall outta my chair. Inner-ear infection, OK?
"But... how?" I gasped, gripping de edge of my desk as I sat back down.
"I'll show you." He tossed a photo onto da desk.
Apparently da Cat Loder had carved de initials PSB into his leg with a pocket-knife. Messy, very messy.
"Maybe he died of lung cancer," I said, "and he's sayin' Peter Stuyvesants are bums?"
"No," Troy shook his head. "He didn't smoke, and I recognise a bullet-wound to the head when I see one."
"Well, I'll take da case. Dis is clearly moider most foul.... Why are YOU so upset, though? I knew da Cat Loder personally, but you probably hardly knew him at all."
"It's just that..." Troy sniffed. "He owed me money.... Excuse me, I have to go mourn the loss of my five bucks."
He hurried out, sobbing. I sat back in my chair, stunned. Dead. I couldn't believe it. Well, I would get to da bottom of dis case if it was da last thing I did.....
But first, I knocked back a can of unlabelled soda. Lousy cheap gum.

So, I thought, how do I begin? I decided da foist thing I should do was to draw up a list of suspects- anyone I knew had associations or was affected by da Cat Loder's woik. My list looked like dis:

Ed Bunny. Well, I could strike myself off da list.
Kraggi. Da Cat Loder had denied him da Maltese Terrier by tellin' me his sticky-form TF attachment was phoney.
Brylian Troy. Da Cat Loder had owed him money. Maybe dat was enough of a motive to bump him off?
Squata. Squata was just psycho, and she'd probably kill him for no reason. But she was in da big house.... I put her down as a maybe.
Cameo. Da Cat Loder had told me where to find "her" squirrel teddy. Not much of a motive I could see, but you never know.
Number 43. He'd also been affected by da Cat Loder's information on da teddy; he'd ended up going to jail. Where he still was. Another maybe.
Da Department of Sanitation. Da Cat Loder had made me go pokin' around in deir sewers. Maybe dey wanted to stop him from doin' dat ta anyone else?

I decided ta get started on my list, with da foist entry.
Kraggi.

I pounded on da door of Gal-Zabor's HQ building. "Open up, Kraggi! I want answers!" I yelled.
The door opened. "Really, Ed, there's no need to be rude," Kraggi purred, ushering me inside. He sat down behind his desk. "What do you need to ask me, pray tell?"
"Da Cat Loder's dead. Did you have anything ta do with it?"
"Cat Loder....? Oh, you mean that... informant... who denied me the Maltese Terrier."
His knuckles turned white, but he maintained his cool.
"Yeah. Dat's your motive right dere. Now did you bump him off or not?"
"I had motive, yes, but I also have an iron-clad alibi."
"Alibi?"
"Yes. You see, every day for the past few weeks, I have had a goodwill poker marathon with Brylian Troy and Sven, in order to maintain the peace between Gal-Zabor, Felina and Stanisquatislav."
"Svensylsquatostan."
"Whatever. I think you will find my story checks out with the others."
"Well, Troy's my next stop, so I'll ask him den. I'll show myself out."
"You do that, Ed, and I do hope to see you again soon."
"Da feeling is not mutual," I muttered after I was outside and hurrying down da street.

I knocked on da door of da penthouse suite of Kuching Towers, and, praying dat da passwoid hadn't changed, yelled "Beta-Carotene".
Da door opened up a crack and Brylian Troy's eyes peered out.
"Ed! Come in!" he said, ushering me inside. "Have you found the Cat Loder's murderer yet?"
"I'm interviewing da suspects," I replied. "You're my second stop."
"I'm a suspect?" Troy blinked.
"Until I can clear dem, everyone is. Foist things foist. Kraggi said you play poker with him every day. Is dat true?"
"Yes, that's true."
"Hmmmm.... You're a suspect, so you could be collaborating with Kraggi's story ta save your fur... I'll check dat with Sven. Right. Now, you said da Cat Loder owed you money?"
"Yes, five dollars...."
"Well, dere's a motive."
"Five dollars? Surely...."
"People do strange things because of money, Troy."
"I DIDN'T kill the Cat Loder, Ed. Why would I come to your office if I had?"
"Dat would make you appear a less likely suspect, wouldn't it?"
"This is completely ridiculous, Ed."
"Is it, Troy? I'll be in touch." I stood up. "I'll see myself out."
Outside, I contemplated my findings. Troy had backed up Kraggi's story, but den, he was a suspect. Time to take a short detour. I went to da nearest phone booth and looked up Sven's number....

Ring. Ring.
"Hello?"
"Hello. Is dis Sven?"
"It sure is. Who's calling?"
"Dis is Ed Bunny, Private Eye."
"Look, that goat came to me of its own free will!"
"I'm not interested in any goats, Sven. I just wanna ask you a simple question."
"What?"
"Do you play poker with Kraggi and Troy every day?"
"Yes.... Although Kraggi gets confused, and starts playing gin rummy, which then mucks the whole thing up because he doesn't know how to play gin rummy."
"So, you played poker every day for da past two or three weeks?"
"Yes... why?"
"Just confoiming a story Kraggi and Troy told me. Thanks." I hung up and checked my list.
Great. Da visit I was least lookin' forward to was next.
I sighed, and headed for Mayhem City Prison, ta go and see Squata.

I walked towards da prison, at a somewhat leisurely pace, seeing as I didn't particularly want to get dere in a hurry. Suddenly-
BANG! BANG!
Two shots were fired from across da street, one of which knocked my hat off.
Dat was my best hat too. Whoever did dat had something comin' to dem, and it wasn't tea and cookies.
I gave chase to da figure across da street who had tried to bump me off. He occasionally toined around and fired at me again, but I retoined fire with my own TF Gun. Unfortunately, I had bad aim and all my shots missed.
Eventually I cornered him in an alley. He raised his gun, but all I hoid when he pulled da trigger was a click.
"Out of ammo, and it's de end of da line for you. Now talk! Who are you and why'd you try to rub me out?"
In response, da figure showed off some catlike moves as he climbed up da fence behind him and ran off.
"Yeah, dat's right! Run! I'll find you anyway!" I yelled after him.
I toined around and continued walkin' towards da jail.

I flashed my detective shield at one of da guards at Mayhem City Prison. His nametag read "Tedd Verres".
Huh. I thought Tedd Verres lived in Moperville. Still, with dese alternate dimensions, you never know...
"Ed Bunny, PI. I need ta speak ta Squata," I told him.
"Uh. Which one?"
"What do you mean which one? Da psycho chick with blonde hair. Da female form of Squato."
"Uh... yeah, about that. See, we can't tell which one's actually Squato and which one's Squata. When they're male, they both act exactly as Squato should, though Squata is undoubtedly just acting. And when they're female, they're both psycho."
"Great..... So you kept dem both locked up for safety's sake?"
"Yes."
Greeeeat. Dis should be a fun afternoon.
"Alright. I wanna speak to dem both. At da same time. Both female."
"What, are you crazy? Male's the only way they're both placid!"
"I said female."
"Alright, but we can't be held responsible for any stab wounds you suffer...."
"Do you have booths with bulletproof glass?"
"Oh, yeah...."
Yup. Dis was going ta be a reeeeeal fun afternoon.

I was led to a booth with three inches of bulletproof glass, on de other side of which sat two identical blonde goils.
Squato and Squata.
Only, as far as I was concoined, dey both may as well have been Squata.
"Ladies," I nodded.
"Ed Bunny," dey smiled in a manner I wasn't at all sure I liked.
"I've got a coupla questions for you two," I said.
"And you want us to answer them?" da one on da left said.
"I'd appreciate it."
"And we'd appreciate it if you'd answer some of our questions too," da one on da right smiled.
"Whatever floats your boat," I replied. "Shall I go foist?"
"Sure," they both chorused.
"Right." I flipped open my notebook. "I assume you are both acquainted with da Cat Loder?"
"We know of him, yes," da left one spat.
"Filthy stool-pigeon," da right one agreed.
"Right. And you know he was moidered?"
"First we heard of it," Squata 1 said.
"He deserved it, I'd think," Squata 2 added.
"Our turn," Squata 1 continued. "Were you ever married, Ed?" she smiled like a hyena about ta go fer your neck.
"I was once."
"What happened?" Squata 2 prodded.
"Caught her in bed with my best friend."
"What did you do?" Squata 1 asked.
"I shot her."
"You shot HER?" they both asked quizzically.
"Ladies. He was my best friend." I flipped over another page. "My toin. Have you left dis prison at any time since your arrest?"
"No, we have not."
"And you could derefore have not have moidered da Cat Loder, right?"
"Correct," Squata 1 grinned.
"Our turn again," Squata 2 continued. "My question to you is, are you aware of the lax security measures at this place?"
I didn't like where dis was going.
"Uh. No, actually, I wasn't."
"And are you aware," Squata 1 grinned savagely, "that someone like us could easily smuggle in one of these?"
She pulled from her pants a long, serrated knife.
"Are you aware, goils," I replied coolly tapping da pane on front of me, "dat I am currently sitting behind three inches of bullet-proof..."
My finger broke through da pane.
"...clingwrap?"
Damn budget cuts.
Squata 1 threw back her head, laughed insanely and lunged at me with da knife. Just then...
CRASH.
A tall blue-costumed guy boist down through da roof and landed in front of da knife. It crumpled up when it hit his chest.
"No way..." I choked. "Superman? Da legendary Kal-El?"
"Nope," he said, bashing da Squatas' heads togedder, grabbin' me and flying out through da roof, making an entirely new hole as he went. "His younger brother, Kum-El."
As we flew out over da carpark, Tedd Verres yelled, "Hey! You're gonna have to pay for that roof!"
"And you're gonna have ta pay for actual bullet-proof glass," I yelled back at him.
"Touch
Last edited by Piebunny on Sat Apr 07, 2007 5:47 am, edited 11 times in total.
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Postby Piebunny on Fri Oct 06, 2006 1:36 am

This story is quite possibly going to be darker than the other two; I haven't entirely made up my mind about that yet.
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Postby Grim Atescu on Fri Oct 06, 2006 1:43 am

Hmmm...

True, true, true... but then again, murder mysteries generally are.
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Postby Berk on Fri Oct 06, 2006 2:01 am

Bullet wound? And here I though the only type of guns in Mayhem would be of the TF variety. And who does Dan now have as a secretary? Minion perhaps?
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I feel significantly less menacing.
Blasphemy!
Given that I'd be in the closet with another girl, I don't think I'd be doing a very good job.
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I thought I was ready for man-on-Ellen loving.
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Postby Piebunny on Fri Oct 06, 2006 2:03 am

Naturally. And yes, there are guns in Mayhem, just not in common use. I refer you to Part 15 of The Big Case.
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Postby Kraggi on Fri Oct 06, 2006 5:47 am

...Well, you need to rule out suicide first. After all, Loder wasn't a svensylsquatostani, so he was in no danger at all from my incredibly sexy self.
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Postby Berk on Fri Oct 06, 2006 6:11 am

Maybe Jesse upgraded from bricks, he could be practising, or taking jobs from other people.
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Cool Ellen quotes:
Is that all you noticed while in my shirt?
Yo Piggy! Get away from my brother 'fore I make you squeal!
Ah Yes, The Wonder Twins... They do complicate matters don't they?
That crazed look could have meant any number of things!
I feel significantly less menacing.
Blasphemy!
Given that I'd be in the closet with another girl, I don't think I'd be doing a very good job.
I'm supposed to know how magic works?
I thought I was ready for man-on-Ellen loving.
Mom told me to wake you. She was unspecific as to how.
Excuse me, I need to find something heavy and blunt to kill you with.
You can make marbles even more shiny?
Well, that, or "Mind your own business, jackass!"
Magnet!
Dammit, she can thumb-type every word, but she can't bust out the emoticons?
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Postby Kraggi on Fri Oct 06, 2006 6:19 am

...You mean he's seeing other crime syndacates?! That...that cheating *the rest of this broadcast has been censored for the good of all those young bunnies out there. Well, younger than me. I guess I'm a young bunny too. But then again, inside, aren't we all young bunnies?*
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Postby Piebunny on Fri Oct 06, 2006 6:20 am

You'll just have to wait for Part Two, won't you?

I have no idea what I'm going to write for Part Two....
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Postby Jonixlord on Fri Oct 06, 2006 12:33 pm

Cat ... dead? *puts on Vader helmet* Noooooooo! *takes off helmet* Ah, that feels better. Who's up for some ice cream?
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Postby Kum-El on Fri Oct 06, 2006 1:45 pm

Sorry, my fault. I was helping my brother out with this landslide, so I wasn't around to do the 'faster than a speeding bullet' thing.
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Postby catldr24 on Fri Oct 06, 2006 2:05 pm

X_X Thats just mean.... but wasn't Troy, like, my boss or something?
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Postby Piebunny on Sun Oct 08, 2006 2:54 am

Part 2: The Suspects

***

So, I thought, how do I begin? I decided da foist thing I should do was to draw up a list of suspects- anyone I knew had associations or was affected by da Cat Loder's woik. My list looked like dis:

Ed Bunny. Well, I could strike myself off da list.
Kraggi. Da Cat Loder had denied him da Maltese Terrier by tellin' me his sticky-form TF attachment was phoney.
Brylian Troy. Da Cat Loder had owed him money. Maybe dat was enough of a motive to bump him off?
Squata. Squata was just psycho, and she'd probably kill him for no reason. But she was in da big house.... I put her down as a maybe.
Cameo. Da Cat Loder had told me where to find "her" squirrel teddy. Not much of a motive I could see, but you never know.
Number 43. He'd also been affected by da Cat Loder's information on da teddy; he'd ended up going to jail. Where he still was. Another maybe.
Da Department of Sanitation. Da Cat Loder had made me go pokin' around in deir sewers. Maybe dey wanted to stop him from doin' dat ta anyone else?

I decided ta get started on my list, with da foist entry.
Kraggi.

***
That goat came to me of its own free will.

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Postby Piebunny on Sun Oct 08, 2006 9:43 pm

*prodbump*
That goat came to me of its own free will.

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Postby Piebunny on Sun Oct 08, 2006 10:49 pm

Part 3- Goodwill

***

I pounded on da door of Gal-Zabor's HQ building. "Open up, Kraggi! I want answers!" I yelled.
The door opened. "Really, Ed, there's no need to be rude," Kraggi purred, ushering me inside. He sat down behind his desk. "What do you need to ask me, pray tell?"
"Da Cat Loder's dead. Did you have anything ta do with it?"
"Cat Loder....? Oh, you mean that... informant... who denied me the Maltese Terrier."
His knuckles turned white, but he maintained his cool.
"Yeah. Dat's your motive right dere. Now did you bump him off or not?"
"I had motive, yes, but I also have an iron-clad alibi."
"Alibi?"
"Yes. You see, every day for the past few weeks, I have had a goodwill poker marathon with Brylian Troy and Sven, in order to maintain the peace between Gal-Zabor, Felina and Stanisquatislav."
"Svensylsquatostan."
"Whatever. I think you will find my story checks out with the others."
"Well, Troy's my next stop, so I'll ask him den. I'll show myself out."
"You do that, Ed, and I do hope to see you again soon."
"Da feeling is not mutual," I muttered after I was outside and hurrying down da street.

***
That goat came to me of its own free will.

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Not to mention The Ed Bunny Mysteries!
Hey! I do MSTs! Check 'em out now, funk soul siblings!

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Postby Grim Atescu on Sun Oct 08, 2006 10:51 pm

Alibi, eh? Well, well.
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Postby OzLionHeart on Mon Oct 09, 2006 12:02 am

The plot thickens...
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Postby sven8705 on Mon Oct 09, 2006 12:08 am

You have to watch Kraggi carefully when playing poker. Sometimes he forgets and starts playing Gin Rummy.
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Postby Kraggi on Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:51 am

sven8705 wrote:You have to watch Kraggi carefully when playing poker. Sometimes he forgets and starts playing Gin Rummy.
And that gets complicated, because I don't even know how to play Gin Rummy.
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Postby Ciennas on Mon Oct 09, 2006 9:17 am

He should wind up drinking shrink soda, as its the only thing that hasn't happened to him yet.
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Postby VOR on Mon Oct 09, 2006 11:42 am

Hm...real bullets ARE kind of unusual around these parts, once you get outside War. Everyone prefers melee combat, it seems, when they need to hurt someone instead of just changing 'em into stuff. I'd not noticed that...
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Postby Piebunny on Fri Oct 13, 2006 1:56 am

Part 4- A less likely suspect?

***

I knocked on da door of da penthouse suite of Kuching Towers, and, praying dat da passwoid hadn't changed, yelled "Beta-Carotene".
Da door opened up a crack and Brylian Troy's eyes peered out.
"Ed! Come in!" he said, ushering me inside. "Have you found the Cat Loder's murderer yet?"
"I'm interviewing da suspects," I replied. "You're my second stop."
"I'm a suspect?" Troy blinked.
"Until I can clear dem, everyone is. Foist things foist. Kraggi said you play poker with him every day. Is dat true?"
"Yes, that's true."
"Hmmmm.... You're a suspect, so you could be collaborating with Kraggi's story ta save your fur... I'll check dat with Sven. Right. Now, you said da Cat Loder owed you money?"
"Yes, five dollars...."
"Well, dere's a motive."
"Five dollars? Surely...."
"People do strange things because of money, Troy."
"I DIDN'T kill the Cat Loder, Ed. Why would I come to your office if I had?"
"Dat would make you appear a less likely suspect, wouldn't it?"
"This is completely ridiculous, Ed."
"Is it, Troy? I'll be in touch." I stood up. "I'll see myself out."
Outside, I contemplated my findings. Troy had backed up Kraggi's story, but den, he was a suspect. Time to take a short detour. I went to da nearest phone booth and looked up Sven's number....

***
That goat came to me of its own free will.

ImageImage
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My buttons have imploded the universe 4 times.
Author of Do the Seconding!
(I take no credit for the Seconding itself; that belongs to ProfessorTomoe.)
Not to mention The Ed Bunny Mysteries!
Hey! I do MSTs! Check 'em out now, funk soul siblings!

There is no Brotherhood.
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Postby Piebunny on Fri Oct 13, 2006 3:14 pm

*prodbump*
That goat came to me of its own free will.

ImageImage
Image

My buttons have imploded the universe 4 times.
Author of Do the Seconding!
(I take no credit for the Seconding itself; that belongs to ProfessorTomoe.)
Not to mention The Ed Bunny Mysteries!
Hey! I do MSTs! Check 'em out now, funk soul siblings!

There is no Brotherhood.
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Piebunny
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Postby sven8705 on Fri Oct 13, 2006 5:20 pm

Oh no! Ed's got my number.
I introduced myself on page 42 of the newbie intro thread. Truly this means I am the answer.
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Postby Piebunny on Fri Oct 13, 2006 7:04 pm

Part 5- Confirmation

***

Ring. Ring.
"Hello?"
"Hello. Is dis Sven?"
"It sure is. Who's calling?"
"Dis is Ed Bunny, Private Eye."
"Look, that goat came to me of its own free will!"
"I'm not interested in any goats, Sven. I just wanna ask you a simple question."
"What?"
"Do you play poker with Kraggi and Troy every day?"
"Yes.... Although Kraggi gets confused, and starts playing gin rummy, which then mucks the whole thing up because he doesn't know how to play gin rummy."
"So, you played poker every day for da past two or three weeks?"
"Yes... why?"
"Just confoiming a story Kraggi and Troy told me. Thanks." I hung up and checked my list.
Great. Da visit I was least lookin' forward to was next.
I sighed, and headed for Mayhem City Prison, ta go and see Squata.

***
That goat came to me of its own free will.

ImageImage
Image

My buttons have imploded the universe 4 times.
Author of Do the Seconding!
(I take no credit for the Seconding itself; that belongs to ProfessorTomoe.)
Not to mention The Ed Bunny Mysteries!
Hey! I do MSTs! Check 'em out now, funk soul siblings!

There is no Brotherhood.
User avatar
Piebunny
Keenspot Juggernaut
 
Posts: 6222
Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2005 11:20 pm
Location: A non-hideous heavenhole known as Australia

 
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