Puns, puns, puns

[AccordionDad]

A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men,
philosophers, and aspiring Buddhas. They represented all aspects of
belief and seeking, including one aged guru who was reputed to have
achieved nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus.

Our traveler was astonished, when, in a sudden mountain shower, all of
the participants in this conclave were drenched, except the
asparagus-eater. The rain simply avoided falling on him, as if he were
roofed. "That's incredible", said the traveler.

"Not at all", said his native guide, "for is it not sung of in America,
even on Broadway...".

"Bliss is the awning of the Sage of Asparagus!"

[AccordionDad]

On a lark, I Google-d a line from my second-best-favorite-ever pun story (below). 961 hits. With the amount of server space devoted to crap in this world, I'm frankly shocked that this doesn't merit more of it. Ah, well.

I'll try my favorite ever later this week. Why don't you do the same and post the results here?

The Story:

Several friars at a monastery decided to start a business so they could make donations to a local charity which they deemed a worthy cause. After much deliberation, the friars decided that, due to their gardening expertise, they should start a flower business.

After a couple months, the friars' flower business was doing extremely well - so well, in fact, that the local florist was beginning to suffer. The florist, realizing that his livelihood might be in jeopardy, approached the friars and asked them to find another business so that he might continue operating profitably. The friars politely said, "No."

After a couple more months, the florist's business was very bad and things looked bleak. Realizing that her son's business was failing, the florist's mother approached the friars and asked them to cease the floral business so that her son could continue. The friars were polite but once again said, "No."

A couple months more passed and the local florist had lost most of his customers to the friars. His family was suffering badly since the florist had practically no income. In desperation, the florist hired Hugh McNally, a local strongman to "convince" the friars to stop. Hugh went to the monastery and asked the friars to please discontinue selling flowers because they had taken most of the business of the village florist. Once again, the friars politely said, "No."

Hugh, a man of great actions but few words and less temper, beat up a half dozen of the friars. He destroyed their flowers and trampled their gardens. Immediately, the friars had a meeting and decided that it was in everyone's best interests to terminate the business.

The moral to this story is very simple: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[Johnski333]

A backward poet writes inverse.

[miK.]

Think that's inverse? Read this:

first let me explain that i'm cursed,
i'm a poet whose time gets reversed,
reversed gets time
whose poet a i'm,
cursed i'm that explain me let first.

(now read it backwards...)

peace-
miK.

[AccordionDad]

There's a longer version of this. I have it somewhere at home and will post if I can find it. This, to me, is the epitome of what brilliant minds can accomplish when they're not burdened with ambition or responsibility or any of those confounded constructive properties:

The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist, and he worked occasionally as a farmer. In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.

Just amazing. Working a little too-hard, like a teenager practicing a newly-discovered expletive, but amazing nonetheless.

Any other favorites to report?

[Piichuu]

I have two. I'll post one now, and if there's need for it, the other later.

A pastor had spent a lot of time and effort trying to raise money to repaint the church's exterior. However, by the time the drives, bake sales, and donations came, the money wasn't enough to even coat the church once. The assistant pastor, a shrewd man, came to the pastor and said, "Pastor, I know this is God's house, but we only have a limited amount of paint. Why don't we pour a little water into the paint, just enough to spread it out and cover the church. It's white, and the wood underneath is a light wood, no one should notice.

The pastor agreed, and men volunteered. They thinned the paint out with water once, but it was soon apparent it would not be enough. And so they added more water. Still, they were nearly short, and the assistant pastor added even more water, until finally they could cover the whole church.

No sooner were they finished than a storm cloud burst over the church, drenching it ans washing all the paint away. The pastor was devastated. Suddenly, a voice from the sky, deep and resonating, called out to the men.

"Repaint, repaint, and thin no more!"

[Kubrick]

Didja hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He was up all night pacing and wondering if there really was a dog.


...OK so it was funnier when I heard it.

[Piichuu]

Now, see, I heard it as "He was kept up late nights pondering the existance of Dog."

... OK, not much difference.

[Johnski333]

A new pastor and a young deacon of a local church have the task of fund-raising for the painting of the church and after they have exhausted their fundraising ideas they've only collected about half of what they need to paint the church. The Pastor knows that they should keep fighting the hard fight and raise some more funds but the young deacon says "y'know padre - we could purchae all the paint we can with this money and then just thin it out so we can cover the entire church." Against the Pastors wishes they proceed with the Deacons plan. So, they start painting with the thinned paint but they see that they'll run out before they're done so they thin it again, and still they notice they won't finish so they thin it again, and they cover the whole church with a very thin coat of paint. As they finish their task it starts to rain and the paint washes off the whole church and bellowing from the heavens they hear "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[Skane]

This thread is amusing.

[AccordionDad]

So there are three tomatoes walking down the street: a momma tomato, a poppa tomato and a little boy tomato. The little boy tomato is having a hard time keeping up with his parents, who are moving at a fairly brisk pace despite a noticeable lack of feet. At one point the little boy tomato falls far enough behind that his poppa stops, turns, and says "You'd better figure out a way to move a little faster, junior".

The little boy tomato moves a little closer, but quickly falls off the pace again. This time, his poppa stops, turns and yells "Hey, speed it along!"

The little boy tomato moves a little closer, but quickly falls off the pace a third time. Poppa, clearly aggravated, stops, turns, smacks the little boy hard and yells

"Catchup!"