The REAL What BOFH Really Stands For

A warrior (Bruno) and a small dragon (Fiona) team up for fun and plunder in this fantasy comic strip.

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Postby Major Tom on Fri Jun 21, 2002 5:41 am

kilo42 wrote:can someone be my friend?


It think this probably tells us something about the half-life of a kilo, but it does appear to be going in the wrong direction...
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Aiieeeeeeeee!

Postby Kilo24 on Fri Jun 21, 2002 7:03 am

The monstrosity! Kill it!
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Postby Major Tom on Fri Jun 21, 2002 7:28 am

heh heh, it has come for you in search of braaaiiiins.

Not to worry.


It'll starve soon enough.
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Postby mouse on Fri Jun 21, 2002 1:17 pm

especially if you stay up all night posting....
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Insert Screech Here

Postby Kilo24 on Sat Jun 22, 2002 7:16 am

Aha! There's my wand of polymorph! I turn the hideous thing into an Antarius Clone!!!
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Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?

Postby Antarius on Sun Jun 23, 2002 3:21 pm

Kilo24 wrote:I turn the hideous thing into an Antarius Clone!!!


Really? I thought that spells powerful enough to increase somethings' comeliness to 25 would have disappeared after the Ghods left Krynn?!
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Correct!

Postby Kilo24 on Mon Jun 24, 2002 8:39 am

You're right! I change it into an Exact Antarius clone! Not using the player's option! These are its statistics!

Antarius

Climate/Terrain: Message boards (BTB is the only one it has been sighted in thus far)
Frequency: Very Rare (luckily)
Organization: Solitary or Clone Pack
Activity Cycle: All
Diet: Random Incoherence, Tim Tams
Intelligence: Non (0)
Treasure: Random Incoherence pills, Tim Tam Plate +52
Alignment: Chaotic Evil
-----------------------------------
No. Appearing: 1, 40-10000 (clone pack)
Armor Class:-15
Movement: 9, Internet 3109
Hit Dice: 40
THAC0: -5
No. of Attacks: 6
Damage/Attack:1-3/1-3/1-3/1-3/1-3/10-200
Special Attacks: Random Incoherence
Special Defenses: Empty Mind, Regeneration
Magic Resistance: Nil
Size: L (9' high)
XP Value: 90901235150
If chosen to be a PC, here are its statistics:
Str: 15
Dex: 13
Con: 25 (you can't get rid of it)
Wis: 3
Int: 0
Cha: -42
The scourge of message boards, the Antarius appears to be either an evil demon or a 6' geek with taped glasses. The Antarius is known worldwide for its ability to summon Tim Tams at will. However, if a Tim Tam is thrown at the Antarius, it will pause and eat the Tim Tam, even in a pitched battle.

Combat: The Antarius will attack anything it suspects of having Tim Tams or stealing its line. It begins by throwing five Tim Tams then using its gaze of stupidity. It will regenerate 20 hit points/round and fight until at -50 hit points, then a wish spell must be used to stop it from creating 40-10000 clones. It is immune to any mind influencing effect due to its insanity. It will occasionally forgo all attacks to gibber random incoherence. All who hear this must make a saving throw vs. spell at -45 or suffer permanent insanity. However, it will still come back to life unless The Tome of The Wisdom of BOFH is not read aloud at it's body.

Habitat/Society: The Antarius prefers message boards untouched by insanity. The more havoc it can cause, the better. Otherwise, it leeches off society.

Ecology: If trained to from an early age, the Antarius or its clones will conjure up Tim Tams for its master. Otherwise, they give little to the economy.
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Postby Major Tom on Mon Jun 24, 2002 9:26 am

Hey, Ant -

I think you have an admirer.
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Postby Kilo24 on Tue Jun 25, 2002 6:04 am

Quiet! I'll throw a Tim Tam at you! At Mach 15!
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Postby Major Tom on Tue Jun 25, 2002 7:06 am

That's quite all right -- I have my percussive-absorbant cup of coffee at hand at all times.
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Postby Antarius on Wed Jun 26, 2002 4:09 am

Major Tom wrote:Hey, Ant -
I think you have an admirer.


(Sigh) :roll:

Yeah. You kick 'em nicely in the guts just one time, and they think you like 'em.
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Stats

Postby Antarius on Wed Jun 26, 2002 4:53 am

Kilo24 wrote:You're right! I change it into an Exact Antarius clone! Not using the player's option! These are its statistics!


(shakes head)

You've been listening to Eminem again, haven't you?

(((sound of Kilo (and all Eminem fans) being bitch-slapped)))


It shows. You've lost the quarter of a clue that you had somehow accumulated recently. You've got my entry in the MM confused with other entries.

Now, rather than use these stoopid 3rd Ed rulez, let's look at the Gygax-ian truths of AD&D (1st Ed). (Hey, how is a priest supposed to afford the latest rule books?! They are one of the poorest forms of intelligent life. Second only to Internet-Comic-Strip authors. Hi Ian!)


Climate/Terrain: Message boards (BTB is the only one it has been sighted in thus far)


You haven't looked very far, have you? I pioneered the Antarius name (now disgustingly used by a few others determined to be as "cool" as me...)

I am older than time immemorial. I pop up everywhere. Muahahahaha!


And I changed my name from Azazeal years ago, so stop calling me that! Eeek!


Frequency: Very Rare (luckily)


Do you really think that this much chaos, absurdism and terror can be caused by just one of me?

And that's not even considering my Multiple Personalities!


Organization: Solitary or Clone Pack


Again, a misnomer.

I have no organisation whatsoever. Just ask my wife.

(What's that? Yes, dear...)


Alignment: Chaotic Evil


This is only a recent thing, so shouldn't appear in any tomes as yet. It happened when I put on that cursed helmet of Opposite Alignment, which I'm still trying to correct.

That reminds me of a funny story about the time that I found a Helm of Masculinity/Femininity and... Ahem.


Armor Class:-15


Yeah, but my head only has AC of -10.


Size: L (9' high)


Not always true. In my draconic form, I range from between 6' and 121' long, which I believe qualifies for "G" status.

(Gawd, I hope this isn't the "Disgust and Innuendo in BtB" thread!)



If chosen to be a PC, here are its statistics:


Sorry, the Antarius cannot be a PC any more than Aio can.

Str: 15
Dex: 13
Con: 25 (you can't get rid of it)
Wis: 3
Int: 0
Cha: -42


Str used to be 16. After breaking my back, I'd say it's about a 14 now.
Hmmm, but then I recently (yes, after the break) pushed a 2-tonne (2000Kg) 4WD uphill to get a hill start...

Yikes! I better re-evaluate... Let me check my notes.


Dex would be 15. I'm a brown belt in Tae-Kwon-Do - I could have gone on to black, but the rest of the class was going psycho. I couldn't have them in on the act...


I'd love my Con to be 25, but more realistically it's about a 14. Especially with my current flu... It's time to get out the Colloidal Silver, methinks. (Look it up, or PM me...)


Wis, Int would be a tad higher, insolent pup.

Charisma -42? Nah, it's not that high!



The scourge of message boards, the Antarius appears to be either an evil demon or a 6' geek with taped glasses.


(buzzer) Bzzzzt! Wrong! I've got 20/20!


Combat: then a wish spell must be used


Nope. You've got me confused with The Tarrasque again. I cannot be killed, evin with a Wish.


Habitat/Society: The Antarius prefers message boards untouched by insanity. The more havoc it can cause, the better. Otherwise, it leeches off society.


In the interests of spreading havoc on a wide scale, The Antarius also operates in several official capacities, including the accounting profession, the priesthood, social feature and so forth, in order to impress chaos upon the minds of poor, unsuspecting plebians.


Ecology: If trained to from an early age, the Antarius or its clones will conjure up Tim Tams for its master.


Bzzzt! The Antarius is un-trainable. Just ask its' mate!

(Yes, dear...)



Otherwise, they give little to the economy.


You sure about that? Wasn't killing a major US electricity company enough? Oh well, Will(iams) a Gas company be good enough for ya?

Muahahahahaha!

Next stop, Microsoft!


Oooh, I am too evil for myself! Where's that Smurf of Opposite Alignment? :evil:


Cheers,

Antarius of d20
Resistance is... WooHoo! Natural 20!
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Re: Stats

Postby Major Tom on Wed Jun 26, 2002 5:23 am

Antarius wrote:I'd love my Con to be 25, but more realistically it's about a 14. Especially with my current flu... It's time to get out the Colloidal Silver, methinks. (Look it up, or PM me...)


My wife actually partakes of the stuff, and it seems to have done well for her. Do you make your own, or pick it up from the druggist/herbalist?



Next stop, Microsoft!


What are you waiting for dammit??!! I mean, the gov't apparently can't resist the gift baskets that Gates keeps sending, so they're not going to end up doing anything about 'em.
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Re: Stats

Postby Kilo24 on Wed Jun 26, 2002 8:24 am

Antarius wrote:stoopid 3rd Ed rulez..... Hey, how is a priest supposed to afford the latest rule books?! They are one of the poorest forms of intelligent life.

Aha! An ally in my flaming of 3rd Edition! Any time you need a reminder of how bad it is, just ask.

Antarius wrote:This is only a recent thing, so shouldn't appear in any tomes as yet. It happened when I put on that cursed helmet of Opposite Alignment, which I'm still trying to correct.

I forgot to mention that delusion causing head wound that you had acquired from that mean pixie.
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Postby Major Tom on Wed Jun 26, 2002 9:12 am

Your sorceror flirts for quarters!
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Postby Antarius on Wed Jun 26, 2002 3:35 pm

Major Tom wrote:Your sorceror flirts for quarters!


LOL! :lol:

(If I were someone who exaggerates, then that would be a ROTFL. However, I did LOL.)

I'd like to nominate that as the one-liner of the week!


Cheers,

Antarius of Chuckle
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Mouse.... where art thou...

Postby Kilo24 on Wed Jun 26, 2002 4:02 pm

Mouse.... where art thou...
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Mouse.... where art thou...
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Re: Mouse.... where art thou...

Postby Antarius on Wed Jun 26, 2002 11:17 pm

Kilo24 wrote:Mouse.... where art thou...


You didn't hear that resounding (((SNAP!))) a while back?

It was my mouse trap. I've got one of those special in-humane ones, as opposed to those wussy humane ones.


BTW - repeating your entire post as your "sig" does not constitute extra content, or increase the value of your post whatsoever.

:P

Cheers,

Antarius of BOFH
Resistance is a Bizzare Opportunity for Flatulating Hippopotami
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Re: Mouse.... where art thou...

Postby Major Tom on Thu Jun 27, 2002 6:11 am

Antarius wrote:BTW - repeating your entire post as your "sig" does not ... increase the value of your post whatsoever.

:P


Reminds me of my mother's favorite tatoo -- Silence is golden.

She had the guy write it backwards so i can read it every time I brush my teeth.
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Postby Kilo24 on Thu Jun 27, 2002 8:21 am

Brown Obese Flaming Harpies
Beef, Only For Hamsters
Bootlicking One-handed Fishy Hematite
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Resistance is staying on topic.
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Postby Major Tom on Thu Jun 27, 2002 11:45 am

Babbling Oaf for Hire
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Re: Mouse.... where art thou...

Postby mouse on Thu Jun 27, 2002 1:35 pm

Kilo24 wrote:Mouse.... where art thou...
Kilo24
Mouse.... where art thou...


ha! i _knew_ you'd miss me. i knew my button eyes had gotten to you.

just dealing with an extended stay in the real world. (all sympathies accepted with thanks).

and now i have to go back *sigh*
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Postby Antarius on Thu Jun 27, 2002 3:53 pm

Yes, go.

The interns at the loonie assylum are calling.


Cheers,

Antarius of BOFH
Resistance is... Something.
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Re: Mouse.... where art thou...

Postby Major Tom on Fri Jun 28, 2002 5:30 am

mouse wrote:just dealing with an extended stay in the real world.


Don't drink the water.
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Re: Mouse.... where art thou...

Postby Antarius on Fri Jun 28, 2002 6:04 am

Major Tom wrote:Don't drink the water.


Yeah - it'll give you the shits!
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