The Never-Ending Story

It's funnier if you're drunk.

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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Fri Oct 18, 2002 12:58 pm

... Even though it was only morning, there were a fair number of people there, laughing and talking in German. I had barely a moment to take it all in when someone jumped up from a nearby table and shouted, "Dude! What are YOU doing here?" in plain English.

I looked around to see who might be the recipient of this outburst, but then I realized he was talking to me. I realized he looked familiar -- long red hair pulled back into a pony tail, an earring in his left ear, freckles and a huge grin. "Jimmy!" I cried as I realized he was my old roommate from college. I walked over to him and was going to give him a handshake when he surprised me by grabbing me in a huge bear hug.

Geez, I thought, we hadn't been THAT close! Then I realized he was whispering in my ear, "You've got to help me get out of here!" I could hear the fear in his voice and I groaned as all sense of peace and well-being drained out of me. He pulled back and put on his happy face again.

At that moment, I decided he could take care of himself. I said, "Well, it was good running into you. Have a good time in Munich!" as I turned away, but he grabbed my arm in a fierce grip and said, "No! Don't run off... I want to catch up. Let's go over into the park where it's more quiet."

Fuck. I had to figure out how to ditch him. The last thing I needed right now was another adventure. Plus, there was a cute blonde a couple tables away who was catching my eye... But he was strong and I couldn't resist his pull and I soon found myself back in the park. He said, "...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Tue Oct 22, 2002 7:45 pm

"Holy shit! You saved my fuckin' life, man! I owe you my LIFE!" He was shaking my hand, pumping it exaggeratedly up and down and patting me on the back. He was obviously already drunk. "Dude, there was some ugly fat French chick grabbin' my crotch in there. Man, she was UG-LEE! Whoo!"

Jesus, this is not what I had in mind for such a beautiful day in a new city. I really needed a beer now. I wondered vaguely if I still had some dope on me.

"Jimmy. James. Jimm-may!" I said back. "Dude, you've never *really* had sex until you've done it with a French chick. She would have ROCKED your world, my friend." I really wanted him to leave me alone. I was hoping to convince him to go back to the beer tent. I started patting my pockets to see if I had a joint.

I could tell from his expression that my lie was starting to work. Actually, I didn't know if it was a lie or not. I'd never been with a French woman. For all I knew it was true... Hmmmm. I shook my head to clear the thought.

"Duuuuude." he said, "I want my world rocked. I'm goin' in! God DAMN, it was good to see you!" He hugged me again and staggered back off to the beer tent.

I checked the back pocket of my jeans. Sure enough...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Fri Oct 25, 2002 12:19 pm

...I felt a packed cylinder of paper that could only be... I pulled out what at first appeared to be the joint I was hoping for, but it quickly unraveled and I saw from the blue squiggles on it that it was a note. What the...?

I opened it and read: "Be at the train station at 7:00 tonight. It's VERY (this word was underlined twice) important that you do. And bring your purple friend." I turned the slip of paper over, looking for more, but that's all there was.

I assumed Jimmy had slipped the paper in my pocket during his unexpected bear hug, but I couldn't know for sure. I still wasn't even sure how we had got to Munich from Amsterdam! I decided it was time to have a chat with my dragon friend -- if I could find him and drag him away from his new friend.

I walked back towards where I had last seen them. I heard a giggle coming from a stand of bushes and cleared my throat as I approached the sound. The giggling stopped and my dragon friend's head popped up from behind the bushes, followed an instant later by the red haired fraulein. My friend said, "Just a minute!" They both laughed and ducked back down. I hated being a third wheel.

A few moments later, they emerged, looking pretty well put together. I said to my friend, "I've got to talk to you." He replied, "We have to talk with you too." They looked at each other and I realized my friend was smitten. He turned back to me and said, "We're getting married!"

My jaw dropped and for a moment I could say nothing. Then I blurted out, "...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Thu Oct 31, 2002 7:55 pm

"...but what would your wife and kids think about that?!?"

This time *his* jaw dropped. Clearly the fiery redhead understood my English because she slapped him and then kicked him in the groin. He dropped like a sack of bricks. She stomped off in a huff.

As the dragon lay on the grass moaning and holding his groin he murmured over and over, "I'll fry you for this, asshole."

"Dude," I tried to distract him, "she wasn't your type anyway... Listen, you need to pull youself together. We've got an appointment."

A few minutes later he was able to stand. After vomiting briefly into the bushes, he was mostly his old self again. He shuddered once more. "Aw man, I need to get that taste out of my mouth. Let's go have a beer. Then we can discuss whatever appointment you were talking about." I began leading him to the beer tent, hoping he'd forget about trying to get me back.

That was when he pounced on my back, knocking me to the ground. He was pretty strong and had about 50 pounds on me. I was no match. Before I knew it, I felt a strong, painful tug coming from my groin and butt area. Shit! Atomic wedgie! That bastard had my underwear up over my eyes. I could hardly see. Well, I guess it was the least he could do. He got off me. "Don't......do that again." I knew he was pissed but that we were okay now.

I stood up crooked. What the fuck. I dropped trou and pulled off what shreds of underpant were left. I guess goin' commando was OK in Munich, right? "You got me there, pal." I said to the dragon as I zipped back up. "Now, we're even. Let's go have that beer. I've got some important news..."
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Mon Nov 04, 2002 3:01 pm

...We entered the beer tent and I looked around for Jimmy, but he was nowhere to be seen. I sighed in relief as we found a spot to sit. When our beer came, we each took a huge gulp and let out a huge belch. (My dragon friend's belch was accompanied by a puff of smoke.) A drunk guy next to us looked over with a red-faced smile, slapped me hard on the back and laughed, shouting some slurred German at us.

I leaned closer to my friend and told him about my encounter with Jimmy and about the note that told us to be at the train station that night at 7pm. He seemed to think about this for a moment and then asked, "So, for all we know that note was in your pocket when we woke up here in Munich, right?"

I nodded. He said, "Well, part of me says we've been jerked around all over the place by getting caught up in all this cloak and dagger bullshit, so we should just ignore the note and go sample some more of the local 'talent'... But, now I want to know who's behind this. I think we should go to the train station early, find a place to hide and watch and see who shows up at 7."

I had to admit that I was curious about the note and who wanted to meet with us too. I said, "Good idea. I like it!" I glanced at the wristwatch of the guy sitting next to me. It was only 2:00 in the afternoon, so we had plenty of time. I took another drink and saw the same blonde who had caught my eye earlier. I said, "Let's meet back in the park just outside the beer tent at, say, 6pm. Meanwhile, I'm going to sample some of that local talent you were talking about..." He grunted at me and I realized he was already making eyes at someone behind me. I got up and headed over to where the blonde was sitting. As I approached, I saw...
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Postby kozmo on Thu Nov 07, 2002 12:36 pm

...the most enormous pair of knockers I've ever seen in my life. "Goodenze afternon" I said in the best german I could muster. "Zie lagenze haz gooten flazon uten das".

She giggled and said "Don't hurt yourself. I speak pretty good english. You're really cute. I sure hope you're here by yourself". I immdeiately began to get a hard on and scan the nearby park for a bush to take her behind. By the time we downed our beers, she was as interested in getting some semi-private time as I was. In no time I had her in a concealed area working on her blouse. As I went to work on her pants...
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Postby Gilmoure on Fri Nov 08, 2002 3:22 am

...I noticed I had trouble seeing over my shirt. It was sticking out.

"That's odd" I said as I reached up and pushed in on my shirt.

My hand felt a large, soft mass on my chest! I reached up with my other hand and squeezed. A tingling wave washed over me. I tore my shirt off and there, right on *my* chest, were two of the nicest, most scrumptious tits I'd ever set eye to. They were quite large around and stuck out a fair ways but were very firm. My nipples were much larger too and getting darker as I watched. I realized my breasts were still growing and starting to sag a bit. I hoped that they would stop soon or I'd look like one of those goofy porn chicks I get spammed with all the time.

Almost as if listening, my breasts stopped growing and just lightly jiggled as I tried to slow my ragged breathing. I was scared shitless and really turned on. Looking down at the chick on the ground, I saw that she was smiling, as if she was in on a secret joke. She had to know something about this.

Before I could say anything, another thought popped into my mind; "Mr. Happy?" I quickly stood up, kicked off my shoes and stripped off my pants.

"Ack!" My underware had changed. I was wearing a G-String. The scary thing was that it was a transparent white and not the purple G-string that I remembered. Pushing a breast aside with one hand, I reached down with the other, into my panties. Lots of hair, hair, clit (*Zing!*, jerk, stagger) pussy (warm, wet, slippery *Zing!*, in, to the fourth knuckle)!

With an audible "Slurrrp" I pulled my finger out of my hole and let my panties snap back. The little white triangle of fabric seemed to be shrinking and did nothing to hide my large, black bush, or the fact that I had never, ever shaved my legs. Thank god I was in Germany! I looked like one of those Greek goat people. The string from my ass was now running up between my (large, red, extended) lips and ending in a knot right over my clit. Every little movement was sending small shocks of pleasure through my system. I could feel a really large orgasim building deep inside me.

"Hey, are you going to just play with yourself all day or are you going to let me join in too?" asked the girl lying between my feet. Looking down at her, feeling the light breeze on my (new) sun warmed tits, I knew she was about to be the sacrificial lamb to the raging god of lust inside me. A clear drop of liqued fell from my pussy onto her right nipple. I couldn't take any more and dove for her chest with my mouth wide open. Just as I was about to enclose her nipple in my mouth...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Sat Nov 16, 2002 7:25 pm

...I realized that she had grown an enourmous cock! Oh my god! This was exactly like those National Lampoon stories I had read when I was in high school - "My Penis" and "My Vagina". The first one was about a girl who woke up one day and had a penis. The other, of course, was about a guy who woke up one day with a pussy. Damn! The only thing redeeming right now was that, in the story at least, the effect only lasted a couple of days.

I stared down at the she-male beneath me and realized I was pretty conflicted right now. My engorged clitoris was telling me "GO!" while my still-male brain was saying "MUST PUT EYES OUT WITH WARM SPOON!".

What to do? And where was that damned dragon?...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Tue Nov 19, 2002 2:04 pm

... I backed away from the she/male in my confusion and fumbled to put my pants back on. I just couldn't be on the recieving end of a dick, even if I was now endowed like a woman. If I couldn't get back to the way I was, I decided, I'd have to be a lesbian. Hmm... I thought for a moment that maybe it wouldn't be so bad... but then I shook it off -- I wanted to be able to pee standing up again.

I felt a tapping on my shoulder and I turned to see my dragon friend. His eyes bulged out when he saw my breasts, but he didn't seem as surprised as I would have expected. He chuckled and said, "Dude! Nice rack!" I flushed. Is *that* what it felt like to be oggled? I said, "Fuck off, pig!"

His face went serious and he said, "All right, sorry! Look, I had a feeling that something was going on in that beer tent, so after you left, I snooped around a little..."

"You mean, you struck out?"

"Er. Right. Anyway, I think that drunken German next to you must have slipped something into your beer. I caught a whiff from your glass that was funny. Maybe whatever was in there is what made you... this way." My friend's sense of smell was very strong, more sensitive than a dog's, so he claimed.

"But why would he do that? And WHAT on earth could have done this to me?"

"I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with this meeting tonight. I noticed several people in that tent who were *acting* like they were drinking up, but after awhile I realized they weren't really drinking from their glasses. I think we were being watched."

"Dammit!" I tried to ignore the strange weight on my chest and think. After a minute, I had an idea. I said, "...
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Postby phathom on Sun Nov 24, 2002 1:49 am

...My, what a lovely tea party."
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Sun Nov 24, 2002 9:29 am

...My dragon friend looked at me like I was insane and said, "What the fuck are you talking about? Did that stuff addle your brain?"

"Well, I'm starting to feel like Alice in Wonderland, with all the weird shit going down." I shook my head. "But no, what I mean is, I'm a *woman* now. Will they even recognize me? How do I look?" I felt my face and hair and could tell that my features felt thinner somehow, and my face was perfectly smooth. My hair didn't feel any different though. Luckily, I tended to have pretty long hair anyway.

He said, "You definitely look different. Yeah. If we dressed you up right, you might have a great disguise. And," he nudged me and winked, "you can use some of your feminine wiles on these characters to get more information from them."

"Very funny, asshole." I said, but we seemed to be onto something. If I could take advantage of my new "condition", maybe we could start to get to the bottom of things. I said, "...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Tue Dec 10, 2002 8:14 pm

"C'mon, we still have to find the train station, and take up a good position where we can scope out who it is we're supposed to meet there." I looked down at my watch - FUCK!... it was a Lady Timex. Damn, that stuff that got slipped into my beer worked good! "Once we get there they'll recognize you but they won't know who I am in my condition. I'll see if I can snoop around and figure out what's up."

We walked over to a gentleman sitting on a bench in the park. "Bitte, wo ist der Bahnhof?" I asked where the train station was. He explained that it was only a few blocks away. We thanked him and headed out.

Along the way I noticed my reflection in a store window. Shit, I was HOT! I started playing with my tits a bit more. They were perky and perfect. I looked over at the dragon and he held his cupped hands out toward my chest and asked with raised eyebrows, "May I?". I backed away and shook my head. As cool as my blouse bunnies felt, that would just be too weird. I was almost going to say "gay".

"Let's stop in to one of these stores first," I said. "I need some inconspicuous clothes. Plus, look at those SHOES!" Aw, FUCK, this stuff was working too well. We went into the store and...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Wed Dec 18, 2002 12:14 pm

...emerged a short time later wearing snug jeans and a tight cotton shirt that accentuated my newly grown endowments. As I had been trying on clothes, looking in the mirror, I couldn't get over one simple fact -- my new body turned me on. It was weird, like I was inhabiting a body that was removed or separate from "me", so it was okay to view it as an object as if it belonged to someone else. Part of me just wanted some time to be alone with my new body. Another part of me thought I was one sick bastard.

I considered my figure and knew that if *I* was attracted to this body, other men would be too, and I started thinking about how I could take advantage. At the same time, the last thing I wanted was to go too far and be in a position where some guy would take advantage of ME. I wondered if I was physically weaker than before and thought briefly of challenging my dragon friend to arm wrestling, but discarded that idea. He always kicks my ass even when I'm in my "real" body.

We still had a couple of hours before our "meeting", so we paused a few buildings away from the train station and discussed our plan. I said, "Okay, you need to find a place to be out of sight while I go in and scope things out."

My friend frowned and replied, "I've been thinking. We don't know why someone slipped the stuff in your drink, but it seems safe to assume they knew what it would do to you. Maybe your cover as a woman isn't as bulletproof as we thought..."

I winced at his use of the word "bulletproof" and said, "You may be right. Damn! There are too many unknowns. On the other hand...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Mon Jan 06, 2003 7:42 pm

"...we need some answers to our current situation and I can't think of a better plan."

I looked at my Lady Timex. "Okay, it's 5:00 now, we should grab a bite to eat and then get back here by no later than 6:45 so that we can see who is lurking around in the train station before 7." The dragon nodded.

"What do you feel like? Bratwurst? Schnitzel?". Actually, I had a strange hankering for sushi, but decided on schnitzel. We walked over to a small streetside cafe and sat down. We could still see the train station from where we were.

Our waiter walked over and asked for our drink order. I noticed him staring at my chest. I was torn between a mixed sense of pride and indignance. I pointed to my face. "I'm up *here*" I said. He apologized, stammering. Then he paused and looked more closely at me and my friend. I got the sense that he somehow recognized us. He walked away quickly, which added to my sense of foreboding.

"Dude, did you notice that?" I asked the dragon. He nodded. "Yup, he sure liked your bodacious RACK!" He said slapping me on the back.

When the waiter came back with our beers, I noticed him glance at us nervously and slip a small piece of paper under one of the beers. He quickly trotted off again. The dragon snatched up the paper and read: "...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Thu Jan 16, 2003 2:52 pm

..."'7pm meeting a trap. Be at beer garden 7:30.'" My friend paused and said, "It's signed, 'Yin'."

I took a big swig of beer and let out a big belch. Several nearby patrons looked over and I realized that what they saw was a hot woman burping like a sailor. Ah well, fuck 'em. "This cloak and dagger stuff sucks. What do you say we just blow off both meetings, catch a plane to Maui and get on with our original plan?"

My friend seemed to consider this, then said, "There's one problem. Somewhere in the middle of all this, it appears that we've been relieved of most of our money."

"Wait! I thought you had..."

"I did. Right here," he replied, tapping on the pack he always wore around his hip. I kidded him once that it looked gay, but he didn't appreciate it and I had to admit, what do you do when you don't wear pants and don't have any pockets? He continued, "It was one of the first things I checked when we appeared here in Munich. All I found were a handful of Euros that we've been mostly spending on beer and a new outfit for you."

Damn. So, whoever moved us here took our money? Or did someone rob us before we woke up? After all we had been through, I wanted that cash. I said, "Maybe Yin would be able to help us recover the money. Of course, how do we know the 7:30 meeting is really with her?"

He handed the note across and said, "Smell this." I took it and sniffed. Sure enough, I could smell...
Last edited by Fritz Grosswelt on Thu Jan 30, 2003 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Wed Jan 29, 2003 8:36 pm

..."Teen Spirit". I nodded. It was Yin.

"Smells like her punani, huh?" the dragon said. I looked at him wide-eyed. "Wow," I said, "smelled like Teen Spirit to me." The dragon smiled at me, "Me too. I was just fuckin' with ya. It's her."

It was about 5 minutes to 7. If the meeting at the train station was a trap, it was best that we high-tailed it back over to the beer garden. We quickly paid our tab from our few remaining Euros and hauled butt to the beer garden without incident. On the way over my mind was swirling with what could possibly be going on. If Yin had been at the beer garden, had *she* slipped me the "chick potion"? Was running into my old pal Jimmy there just a coincidence? What the hell would I do if I needed tampons? I had no idea how to use them!

When we got to the beer tent, we scanned the jostling, inebriated crowd for our old pal, Yin. As we stood there, I noticed a strange feeling coming over me. I could tell that my shirt was getting baggier on me. My breasts seemed to be shrinking. The gender reversal was wearing off! That was when I looked beside me and who was standing directly to my right, grinning like a banshee, but Yin herself. She was holding a very small weird spinning, glowing orb next to my arm. The gender reversal seemed to be accelerating. *She* was somehow causing it to happen. I could feel my schwantz growing in my pants. Ah, it was like welcoming back an old friend.

"Guten Tag, Yin!" I exclaimed. She was still a hottie, and coupled with getting my dick back, she was giving me a stiffy. She replied, "...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Fri Feb 28, 2003 9:49 pm

...It looks like you're back to normal," looking at the lump in my pants.

I felt a moment of embarassment at being busted with a boner, then said, "It's good to have my guy back. Want to give him a test run?" (Of course, I remembered she has no genitalia, but hey, maybe we could still work something out with other body parts.)

She just smiled and said, "Let's get out of here. I have someone I want you to meet." With that, she turned and headed out of the beer tent. My dragon winked at me and whispered, "Goin' for the oral, eh?" I just shrugged and we followed Yin to the park where we had materialized only that morning. In fact, she led us to the park bench and I had a flashback to how peaceful it was to wake up in this beautiful park so far from all our troubles. Amazing how fleeting that peace was.

On the bench sat Yin. He had his legs twisted into an impossible pretzel lotus position thing, eyes closed, hands on knees. Meditating. Yin went up to him and shouted in his ear, "Yang!"

Yang's eyes popped open as he snorted awake. He said, "Er, I must have fallen asleep for a second there." He made as if to get up but then stopped and wobbled there a few seconds before saying, "Uh, Yin, could you help me get out of this position?" She rolled her eyes at us and went to help untangle Yang. As she worked, he began, "I'm glad to see you are both in one piece. There are some nefarious characters around here."

I asked, "How did we get here? Who wanted us to be at the train station? What's going on?"

Untangled at last, he stood and said, "There's no time to explain now. We've got to get out of this park before all hell breaks loose." With that, he waved his hands in a bizarre pattern in front of his face. I saw the grass and trees around us blur and fade until all around us was white. I was tempted to name it "fog", but I saw no texture at all and didn't really think that's where we were. A few seconds later, shapes coalesced and formed, getting more distinct and I saw that we were standing in...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Tue Mar 04, 2003 7:27 pm

...Waikiki!!

So at last, we had gone full circle, ending up in the place of our ultimate dreams! Maybe we could finally rest a while from our many crazy adventures and open that surfer bar that we wanted.

I looked over at the dragon and noticed a single tear streaming down his face. He was overwhelmed with joy.

I looked back toward Yin and Yang. "Is it all finally over?" I asked. Yang just shrugged and said cryptically, "Your journeys are only just beginning. But you have earned a rest for now."

Yin handed us each a copy of the latest USA Today newspaper. The blaring headlines read, "Mass Hysteria and Rioting in Munich as Aliens Disguised as Amway Reps Try to Sell Products to Drunken Oktoberfest Patrons!!!"

"This is what we rescued you from," she said. "We may yet need your help in battling these turd-heads, but for now enjoy yourselves." She pointed to a fairly small building right on the beach which looked like a bar. "It's all yours," she continued.

On the front of the bar blazed a neon sign which read...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Sun Mar 09, 2003 9:38 pm

... "The Purple Dragon".

That kind of ticked me off. I mean, where the hell was *my* name on the sign? As I opened my mouth to bitch about it, I watched the tear come to the edge of my friend's chin, dangle there for a second, and then drop to the ground where it was immediately swallowed by glorious sand and I decided, fuck it -- I was mostly here to find chicks at the beach and maybe try my hand at surfing. I figured my dragon friend could do most of the work anyway. Let it be named after him.

We all just sort of stood there, looking at the bar like it was the holy grail. Well, that's how it felt to me after all the shit we'd been through. "Let's take a look inside," I said as I started towards our bar.

I heard Yin clear her throat behind me and say, "Uh, before we go in, I'd like to ask you both a question."

I glanced at my friend, then looked at her and said, cautiously, "Okay, go ahead."

"...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Fri Mar 14, 2003 8:37 pm

"Well," she started, "I just wondered if you would be mad that we stocked the bar with nothing but Belgian Trappist ales?"

My jaw dropped. Those were my favorite beers! Now a tear started to well up on my face. I ran in through the bar door. There, behind the bar were rows and rows of tall bottles of Chimay Cinq Cents. I knew I would like it here. I was home. For now...
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Postby kozmo on Fri May 16, 2003 8:08 am

... though I was going to slam a few beers. I know I'm supposed to be running this bar but screw it. This was an executive decision.

We had a few vacationing customers. Some came over from the Portofino condo complex and I could distinctly smell some ass kicking weed on their breath. I served them and other customers some drinks. I was really beginning to enjoy this. I could work this bar for the rest of my life.

A few days passed. We found a nice apartment closeby. All that money was still in that Merril Lynch account and we had pleanty to get settled. I scored a quarter pound of weed and life was good. Then Yin came into the bar one day and...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Sun Jun 01, 2003 9:29 pm

...said, "You'll never guess what I just did!" She wore a short sun dress that showed her amazing legs. Her dark hair stood out against the yellow flowered pattern of the dress. She still took my breath away with her beauty. Too bad she had no genitalia. Oh well, she had turned down all my advances for alternative forms of sex, so I probably still wouldn't get any even if she did have all the equipment.

I replied, "Well, if I'll never guess, I won't even try."

She seemed too excited to notice my lame attempt at wit as she grabbed the hem of her short dress and pulled it up to reveal the fact that she had no underwear on. As the handful of patrons who noticed the half naked babe whistled and shouted, I realized that I was staring at the most perfect and beautiful vagina I had ever seen.

I gasped and said, "Holy shit! I thought..."

She lowered her dress and smiled. "That's what I'm trying to tell you. I learned my race's ancient secret of how to manifest sex organs."

I just stood there and stared. Not only was she now fully operational. She was almost certainly a virgin! It wouldn't be fair if I couldn't have her. I had to at least try.

"Uh, listen, Yin. Well, congratulations first of all on the new, er, body part. It's a really nice one but I was wondering if you'd have dinner with me tonight."

She ...
Fritz Grosswelt
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