The Never-Ending Story

It's funnier if you're drunk.

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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Fri Mar 08, 2002 7:43 am

...he whiffed horribly.<P>"High, and outside!" the dragon said in his best Bob Euchre imitation. "Speaking of high," he said "did you know that 'Alto' means 'high' in Italian?" He proceeded to calmly pull out a joint. <P>I stared at him incredulously, wondering vaguely not only why the galoot had missed, but why he hadn't swung around for another attempt. It was then that I noticed that all three of the other men in the shop appeared to be frozen in time. I looked back at the dragon. He lifted up his shirt and patted the Hypno-Ray hidden underneath it. He looked at me smugly and said, "Never leave home without it!"<P>"Well, fuck, dude, do you *really* think we would have gotten $12 million without a little *coaxing*? Hmmmmm?" He patted the contraption again. "Anyway, here's the plan..."
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Postby kozmo on Tue Mar 12, 2002 1:23 am

"...after we turn these guys back on, we suggest to 'machine gun' Tony over here he ought to have a look at the pizza place next door selling crack without his knowledge as he conveniently forgets about our transaction here. We get the cashiers check, deposit it into an account at like Merril Lynch, Putnam, Pane Webber, or anyone of thoes places. That way we can have instant access to it when we get to Hawaii."<P>I liked what I was hearing. I could taste that Maui blunt as we spoke. I just wasn't sure if I should be nervous about the person in here yesterday with the same stones. That kept nagging at me.<P>Everything was working according to plan. We had the 12 mil in the bank, minus some spending cash. Al Capone Jr. next door had the pizza joint owner with his head in a pizza oven trying to get him to confess to his unauthorized business. My dragon friend suggested we do a little shopping but I wanted out of this city as soon as possible. <P>We made our way to JFK airport to get the plane tickets. I'm not sure why, but...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Tue Mar 19, 2002 12:39 pm

...when we got to the gate to await our flight, I had a feeling we were being followed. I thought it might just be the stress of all that had been happening, but when I mentioned it to my dragon friend, he said, "I've felt the same thing. Actually, I think I know who it is."

"Who?" I asked, looking around frantically.

"Stop looking around and being all obvious and shit, for crying out loud!" the dragon said, "It's the brunette woman wearing the black Rush t-shirt."

I looked again, this time trying to look more natural, and sure enough, there she was. My heart sped up as I realized she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. There was something about her face that struck me. I thought I might be in love. As I stared, I realized that she had started walking our way!

I whipered to the dragon, "She's coming over..." and moments later, the woman of my dreams stood before us and said, "...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Tue Mar 19, 2002 8:38 pm

"Are you the guys who got that other bag of diamonds? You fit the description..."

I was flabbergasted. This must have been the person who had brought in the identical bag just before us. I wasn't sure if we should trust her with the information, but she was just so damned gorgeous that I almost couldn't resist.

"What diamonds are you talking about?" I managed.

She gave me a playful smile. Oh, she knew it was us... "I got those diamonds at just about the time I got THIS!" She lifted up her shirt to reveal a magnificent yin/yang tatoo around her perfectly sculpted midriff. "Does this look familiar?"

The dragon and I stared at each other in disbelief. Surely, this wasn't the yin/yang blonde morphed into a beautiful brunette? "Who ARE you?" I asked.

She put her shirt down and motioned for us to follow her. She led us down a side corridor to a code-accessed door. She quickly punched in the code and the door opened. We followed her into...
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Postby kozmo on Tue Mar 26, 2002 1:49 pm

...a room with plush carpeting, cool lighting, and luxurious furnishings. She sat me and my dragon friend in separate areas of the room. They brought in another dragon! This one was more delicately built with softer features. I could tell by the look on my friends face that this was a dragon-babe. She was sitting on his lap. I saw smoke slowly issuing from his ears as she stroked his scales.

The brunette that approached me in the terminal sat next to me on the oversized seat in which I was sitting. She said "You know, it isn't easy to get thoes people to just hand over merchandise such as these diamonds". A drink of Crown Reserve on the rocks was in her hands offering it to me. I took a nice long sip and it really warmed me up.

"We would be willing to do anything to learn your secret of how you got them to produce such goods" she breathed.

Her words seemed to melt me. But down inside my mind told me to get up and get the hell out of there. I mean, who were these people? How did they get this VIP room in the middle of JFK airport? The last thing I needed was to get mixed up with these people, especially when I had millions in the bank and a ticket to Maui in my hands.

Then she...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Mon Apr 01, 2002 3:02 pm

...put her mouth next to my ear. I expected her to do something sensual and erotic. Instead, she whispered so quietly I could barely hear, "Act like I'm turning you on." When I didn't do anything, she whispered, "Just do it -- moan or something."

I moaned, trying to sound like I was getting into it, even though I was wondering why I had to act like anything at all.

She continued, "Good. Now listen. I'm supposed to seduce you to get your guard down. The whole diamond thing is just a ploy. The Enchanters are pissed. They found out about your little plot to make all the Amway reps disappear and they're out to get you. They have us under surveillance right now. Moan again."

I moaned. Actually, it wasn't entirely an act. Her warm breath in my ear was kind of a turn-on, not to mention the fact that her breasts were pressing into my chest and they were spectacular.

More whispering... "The Enchanters think I work for them, but I actually work for the one you know as the wizard. Now, here's what we're going to do...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Thu Apr 11, 2002 7:57 pm

"Pretend that you just jizzed in your pants and that you're all embarrassed, and get up and storm out of here. Meet up with me at this address." She slipped a piece of paper deep into the front of my pants. Jesus Christ! I almost didn't have to pretend to jizz myself.
She continued, "The dragon woman is with me and she will explain the plan to your friend as well. Just meet me at the rendezvous point and hurry. Oh, and, you have to trust me on this one. I'm on your side.... probably the only friend you have right now."

That kind of talk was beginning to freak me out a bit -- I was actually getting scared about what kind of danger we might be in. But, I had a gut instinct that she really could be trusted. Maybe it was just the little head thinking for the big head, but I decided to go along with her plan.

So, I feigned an "accident" and jumped up suddenly, bouncing the tasty brunette's shapely ass onto the floor. I ran out the door, muttering, "...
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Postby kozmo on Tue Apr 16, 2002 10:59 am

"... I can't believe I'm getting into this shit again."

I guess she got us the diamonds so we at least owed her our help. After all, I was a little worried about the Enchanters being out to get me. Maybe she could get them off our backs once and for all. Then after that maybe I could pour my hot sauce on her fur taco...

Me and my dragon friend got into a cab. I told the driver the address. It was an apartment building in Manhattan near Central Park. I started to become a little apprehensive about this whole thing. Maybe I should have just got on the plane forgot this whole mess.

As we got near the building, then the driver looked at us and said, "You know, if you guys are looking for some really good household cleaning products and a way to make some extra money..."
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Thu Apr 18, 2002 12:33 pm

..." Before he could say anything more, my dragon friend and I both opened our doors and jumped out of the car before it had even stopped moving. I heard the driver shouting at us, "Hey! My fare!" I reached into my pocket, grabbed a bill and tossed it at the driver, noticing it was a $100 bill, but there was no way I was going to stick around for change. I ran to catch up to my dragon friend.

We ran up the front steps of the apartment building. I turned around nervously to see if the cab driver was following us, but I saw him pull away grinning. I was still nervous. I had to assume he worked for Amway and that seemed too coincidental to me. I imagined him even now reporting where we were. The Enchanters might be a much more daunting foe than I had thought.

The building was a security building and the front door was locked. There was a panel full of buttons next to the door -- one for each unit. Luckily, the piece of paper the brunette had given me had a unit number and I found the button for unit #7. As I pressed the button, I noticed a label was attached above it which said, "Yang". A moment later a man's voice came out of a small speaker, "Come." and then there was a buzzing sound and I pulled open the outside door. We climbed a set of stairs and found unit #7. The door was open and there stood...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Thu Apr 18, 2002 6:12 pm

...the fuckin' OLDEST Chinese guy I've ever seen in my life. He was hunched over so far, I'll bet he couldn't have been more than 4 feet tall. His skin was wrinkled and covered with age spots - he sort of looked like one of those ugly wrinkly dogs - Shar-peis I think they're called. His eyes were opaque white and he had a thin, wispy gray beard. He stood holding a tall walking stick and looked almost like a character in one of those old Buddhist paintings.

"You Yang?" I asked.

"Who Yang?" he replied.

"Look," I said impatiently, "I was told to come here by a beautiful brunette who claimed to work for the 'wizard'. Does this mean anything to you?"

"Ah," he said, his expression still completely blank. "Did Yin send you?"

The dragon poked me in the ribs and pointed toward a table in old man Yang's kitchen. I looked over and my eyes widened when I saw...
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Postby kozmo on Thu May 09, 2002 7:28 pm

...a glowing, rotating hologram of a ying & yang symbol. The colors seemed to slowly melt from red to orange and all the way through the spectrum of colors to blue. It sort of reminded me of the King Tut acid we used to do back in '82. The blue and green ones were the best. The red ones were good but thoes trips were intense. All I remember from doing thoes was finding myself naked in a park on a bronze horse with peanut butter on my fingers.

"Yin? Yin?" the old man asked again.

"Yeah, Yin. I saw her at the airport and she told me to meet her here and that the Enchanters were pissed."

"Enchanters? Oh No! Thought they eliminated. Back in '04."

"Think again Yang"

I turned around and saw the brunette/blonde/major/Yin. She was holding a...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Wed May 22, 2002 11:58 am

...wishing medallion. I could see that the chain was broken, so it appeared that she had somehow obtained the medallion we had sent with the Amway reps in the hopes of ending the Amway menace once and for all.

In spite of the fact that we seemed to be in trouble with the Enchanters, my little head was still in control. I said, "Hey baby, you must have wished me here so we could finish what we started on board your ship."

She looked confused a moment, then her face lit up and she said, "Ah! You must have me confused with my cousin, Zeet, who also has one of these," she lifted her shirt and pointed to the yin-yang tattoo, "I suppose you thought I was her morphed to look like this."

I nodded dumbly, embarrassed.

She shook her head. "Zeet, and her twin sister Zoot, are always causing problems with their hypersexuality. I'm on this mission because I'm more focused. Shall we get down to business?"

My little head was disappointed, but I realized that we probably had bigger fish to fry than satisfying my urges. I nodded and she began to explain, "The Enchanters...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Tue May 28, 2002 7:08 am

"...are chasing you because they want the schematics for the "Hypno-Ray" your dragon friend invented. Pretty ingenious, really." The dragon blushed and grinned from ear to ear. "They figure that it would be much more useful than the Medallion in increasing Amway sales, since it would be more predictable. Keep in mind that they take their Amway profits very seriously. If you only knew the kind of money they make on that across the galaxy. When you tried to shut them down, well.... Let's just say, they plan to mess you guys up good once they have the ray design."

"But why are YOU helping us?" I asked her.

"Well," she said, looking down, as if somewhat embarrassed. "We not only need to prevent the Enchanters from obtaining this technology. We want to acquire it ourselves." I started to shake my head when she continued. "But, we will use it for good across the universe, not evil. You'll just have to trust me."

I turned to the dragon and shoved my fingers up his nose. "What do you think?" I thought to him. "Should we turn the Hypno-Ray design over to Yin here?"

"Well," he thought back, "it's not that simple. You see..."
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Postby kozmo on Mon Jun 03, 2002 7:31 am

"...I haven't used the ray outside the earth's atmosphere. Hell, I've never been off the earth other than the time we ended up on their ship. And I thought we were in Thailand for your stupid audition for that ridiculous "Mr. Chuckshow" movie they were making. Can you say 'striaght to video'...?"

"At any rate, I can't say how the ray will perform once it leaves the influence of the Van Allen belts that surround the earth. I mean with the residual interferrence supression brought on by solar radaition emissions we could be looking at some off the wall temporal domain readings, not to mention the amount of spatial filter structure reconfiguation we'll have to do"

I took my fingers out of the dragon's nose and turned to Yin. "We can give it to you but we're just not sure how it will work. How about we give you what we have and you let us go". I just wanted to get to Hawaii and forget the events of the past few days.

"I have a better idea" said Yin. "How about..."
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Tue Jun 04, 2002 11:34 am

...you join us in our fight..." She trailed off as we all felt the building begin to shake. Knick-knacks rattled on the shelves and we all tried to steady ourselves, as if we were on a ship riding the waves of a wild sea.

"Earthquake!" I cried stupidly. Amidst the turmoil, my dragon friend still managed to send me a look that said, "Well, duh!" But, I realized this might not be an ordinary earthquake when there was a flash of light from the kitchen and the shaking stopped. There, standing over the hologram of the yin/yang symbol, was a tall man I immediately recognized. "It's Bob Barker!" I said.

"No, it's Jeff Goldblum," the dragon said.

"You're both wrong. It's obviously Christian Slater," said Yin.

What the hell? There was no way we could be that confused. Then, Yang said quietly, "It's an Enchanter."

Bob/Jeff/Christian smiled and said, "Yes! Fifty points to the old Chinese guy!" He laughed and said, "You may call me... Tim. Tim the Enchanter." He kept laughing as if it were all a big joke. He waved his hand and the hologram disappeared. I had a feeling we were in deep kaka.

Then, his smile went away and he shook his head, saying, "You...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Tue Jun 04, 2002 7:02 pm

"...people just don't know who you're dealing with, do you?" He shook his head again. His form seemed to get somewhat fuzzy and he morphed.

I nudged the dragon and whispered to him, "Now he's Sammy Sosa."

"No, dumbass, he's Martin Mull," he whispered back.

"You're both wrong. It's obviously Danny DeVito," Yin said.

Yang rolled his eyes and said to us in a high, mocking voice, "Uh... *still* the Enchanter. Hello?"

Yin, the dragon and I all looked at each other, then back at Tim. "How can you appear to be someone different to each of us?" I asked.

"Ah, such mental midgets, you are. I still can't believe you had the intelligence to create the Hypno-Ray and defeat my Amway associates who were disguised as the Aryan Brotherhood." He began to walk closer to us. I could feel a very negative energy or vibe coming from him. I knew this guy was a badass and that he meant business. "None of you realized that my associates were just part of a test we were giving you. All we wanted to do was to find out if you were bigots or not. Once we knew you weren't we were going to invite you up to our ship for a really great party. But then, you went after our cash COW!" He said this with a blast of rage and spittle. His face was beet red. "Amway..."

He fuzzed out and morphed again.

"Hoffa." "Madonna." "Mussolini." Yin, the dragon and I said simultaneously.

Tim continued, "You leave me with only one thing left to do." He reached into his pocket and...
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Postby kozmo on Wed Jun 12, 2002 12:35 pm

...began to pull something out when the Dragon all of a sudden jumped him. I had no choice but to help him out. Yin jumped in too. If we weren't wrestling with some omnipotent alien from another planet who was about to open a can of other-world whoop ass on us, I would have been aroused by the way Yin had rubbed her breasts against me during the melee. She was wearing a charcoal colored top that fit really well. She had some sort of tight fitting, yet seemingly elastic black slacks that looked like they would have slid off her hips smoothly.

After we got Tim in a good head lock, the dragon picked up a chair and hit him on the head knocking him out.

"This is just great" I said. "Now what do we do?"

"I can whip together another hypno ray and send him on his way" said the dragon. "To make up for his elevated mental abilities, I can make sort of a turbo-hypno-ray"

Yin started "You mean instead of the circuitry from the digital watch you used on the last one you can..."

"Yes, take the heating element from the microwave and re-configure the transmission flux beam from the television" continued the Dragon.

"There is only one problem" said Yang as he pointed toward what Tim was evidently pulling from his pocket when we attacked...
Last edited by kozmo on Wed Jun 12, 2002 2:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby kozmo on Thu Jun 13, 2002 5:51 am

--
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Fri Jun 14, 2002 8:45 am

..., "He has a wishing medallion. That means he may be a bona fide Medallion Bearer."

Yin said, "I'm sorry, we can't tell you why, but the fact that this Enchanter has a medallion means that we must consult with the Medallion Council. We can use your idea of a turbo-hypno-ray to subdue him until we can get the Council together."

I was watching the unconscious form of "Tim" as I listened to this bewildering information. Council? Medallion Bearer? What was the deal with these Medallions? They seemed to be a Big Deal. As I stood looking at Tim, I realized that he had morphed again. He had glasses and a nerdy look, messed up hair. At the same instant, the dragon must have noticed the morph and we both shouted simultaneously, "Bill Gates!" At the same time, Yin cried, "Satan!" The dragon and I looked at her and shrugged. Obviously, we all saw the same form this time.

Yang explained, "When the Enchanter loses consciousness, he is seen with his true form."

The dragon said, "You mean..."

"Yes, the one you know as Bill Gates is in reality an Enchanter."

I shuddered. Amway AND Microsoft. "We have to stop him, however we can!"

Yin said softly, "We must let the Council decide. You see...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Mon Jun 17, 2002 7:33 pm

"...the Council is made up primarily of major Microsoft stockholders. They would never allow you to disrupt 'Bill' here in his capacity as head of the corporation. It could interfere with their profits."

"Wait a minute," I interrupted, "what the hell is this 'Council' and what do they do?"

Yin continued, "Ah, the Council. They are a powerful group of seven eccentric and unpredictable beings from across the galaxy. The Medallions themselves reflect the unique personalities of the Council. These seven members originally produced the Medallions over 5 centuries ago, and they insist on being consulted in any disputes regarding their respective races or the Medallions themselves. They're quite an odd bunch, really." She pointed down at Bill. "He's the TAME one of the group!" She rolled her eyes. "We always comply with their strange rules because they wield a great deal of power and it's considered bad luck to cross them."

The dragon and I looked at each other. We'd had plenty of bad luck lately. Barring the cash and diamonds of course...

"How can we appease the Council?" I asked. "Maybe we could meet with them and explain our situation and convince them that this was all some sort of misunderstanding. All we want is to be left alone so that we can start a bar in Hawaii."

"Well," she replied, "maybe you can ask HIM." She pointed down at Bill. "He's starting to wake up...."

I looked down at him, just in time to see his form begin to assume the shape of...
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Postby kozmo on Tue Jun 18, 2002 7:28 am

...that annoying kid from the Dell commercials.

"You know" he started " for a limited time only, with the purchase of a Dell multimedia computer you can get Windows XP at no extra charge!"

It was then I grabbed him and threw him against a wall. I said "Look. We need to talk to Bill".

At that time the creature morphed back to his original form of Bill Gates. Yin said "It seems that extreme emotional conditions also cause his true form to emerge."

I said to Bill the Enchanter "We need you to take us to the Council. Me and my dragon friend found ourselves in the middle of this mess by no fault of our own. It's a long story so can you please just take us to see them so we can explain the whole thing?"

Bill said "First I've got the Department of Justice breathing down my neck trying to dismantle my empire I've built, then I get summoned here because you two jerkoffs get a hold of one of the medallions and start screwing with your rigged hypno-ray and now you want me to haul you across the galaxy to meet with The Council?"

That is when Yang offered up "In return for your help, I have something I think you could use...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Wed Jun 19, 2002 9:22 am

...." Then, he began to stand up straight. I can only describe it as a sort of unfolding, as he went from this ancient, bent-over, four foot tall Chinese guy, to a seven foot tall regal wiseman -- at least, that's how he appeared. I glanced around and saw that everyone but Bill's mouth hung open in surprise. Even Yin seemed taken aback by this transformation. Then, Yang offered his walking stick and said, "No Enchanter should be without a Staff to focus his energies."

I looked at Bill and was shocked to see him bow with respect as he reached out to accept the gift. He said, "I'm honored, Master Yang." I found myself wondering who Yang really was and what was the significance of the walking stick. The Enchanter seemed to treat him with deference. My mind whirled in confusion and then, something clicked. I pointed to Yang and cried, "You're an Enchanter!"

Yang just looked at me calmly and shook his head with a smile. "Nice guess, sonny, but I'm afraid you guessed wrong this time."

Meanwhile, Bill turned to me and said, "Thanks to Master Yang's offering, I will bring you before the Council. I was fibbing when I said I'd have to take you across the galaxy to get to them. The fact is that the Council meets here on your planet, at an Eagle's Lodge in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. All we need to do is...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Thu Jun 20, 2002 7:30 pm

...stand in a circle and hold hands, and click our heels together while saying "There's no place like Detroit Lakes" three times."

We all gave Bill grimacing looks. "What?" he said, shrugging his shoulders, "where do you think 'Wizard of Oz' GOT that from, hmmm?"

We all shrugged our shoulders too, then got into a circle and followed Bill's instructions. I was glad that I got to stand next to Yin and hold her soft hand. As we completed the chant for the third time, I looked around at Bill, Yin, Yang and the dragon and noticed that they seemed to be shimmering - almost like they were on a TV with bad reception. Then our surroundings did the same. Finally, for a brief instant, everything got very fuzzy, and then BAM! we were standing in Eagles Lodge Aerie #2342 in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota.

We looked around and found ourselves standing in what seemed to be a back room. We could hear loud, live music coming from beyond the room. It sounded like bluesy rock-and-roll. Pretty good, actually. We noticed that in a shadowy corner of the room we could see 6 seated figures -- the other Council members.

Bill motioned for us to walk over to where they sat, and then he began the introductions...
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Postby kozmo on Mon Jul 01, 2002 1:29 pm

"The members of the council are living among you as people you may already recognize. I will use their Earth names, as you won't be able to pronounce, much less recognize, their real names" Bill continued "First we have Mike Tyson, then Martha Stewart, Newt Gingrich, Eminem, Barbara Streisand, and Danny Bonaduce"

I have to admit, of all those people, Streisand was the last I would have expected to be a space alien, but then again...

All of a sudden Tyson says, "Can we please get on with this meeting? I have a vacation planned on Remulak 7 and will miss my connecting wormhole convergence hyperdrive transport if we don't get finished soon. I would very much appreciate everyone's cooperation."

I began to wonder if maybe I wasn't on acid again. Being in Minnesota didn't help.

Bill said to the group "These people are in possession of what the humans call a 'Wishing Medallion'. Furthermore, on their own they have developed a crude form of one of our regenerative flux transform arrays, or as they so quaintly refer to it, a 'Hypno-Ray'"

"The first thing I'd like to know is how did they get a Medallion?" said Streisand

I began to think about our encounter on the mountain and the way the dragon fried that old coot quizmaster and began to get a little uncomfortable.

The next question came from...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Wed Jul 03, 2002 10:32 am

...Tyson, and it was directed at Bill, "Is this so-called 'hypno-ray' what you Enchanters were trying to acquire when you discovered these folks had a Medallion?" He shook his head sadly, "Do you really think the rest of the Council is ignorant of your shenanigans?"

I couldn't get over hearing Tyson speak as if he actually had brain cells -- it was so incongruent.

Bill frowned and said, "That's *our* business. We need to remain competetive in today's difficult market."

I began to realize that there was some tension within the Council. Perhaps the Council wasn't all that happy with Amway either. I spoke up, "He's tried to get YOU to be Amway distributors too, hasn't he!?"

Gingrich rolled his eyes and said, "Oy vey, you have no idea..."

Bill began to protest, but Yang interrupted, "Ladies and gentlemen, I think we're getting off track here. The *real* issue on the table is...
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