The Never-Ending Story

It's funnier if you're drunk.

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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Tue Oct 23, 2001 12:21 am

The only bourbon that Breakgooses carried was Wild Turkey brown label. That warty bitch *knew* I only drank the gold label.<P>Again, I motioned to the dragon. With a nod, he let out a tremendous bellow of hot flaming death. The waitress was reduced to a pile of smouldering ash. "Keep the tip," I said.<P>With that, the coin, the dragon and I went out into the steamy Bangkok evening, where...
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Postby kozmo on Tue Oct 23, 2001 1:04 am

We proceeded to encounter peddlers of nearly every vice known to man. There were bags of marijuana dripping with sticky resin. Pills of all colors. Vendors offering small bags of white and cream color powder. <P>Then there were the girls. They, and in some cases their pimp overseers, offered favors to quench any desire - for a price. I had my eye on the bleach-blonde sporting a Ying & Yang tattoo centered on her belly button. The dragon was negotiating with the pair of twin Philipinos. <P>The problem was there was only one coin...
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Postby Rokkit Boy on Tue Oct 23, 2001 3:42 am

I'm doin' one of these thangs fo' every forum on the keenspot message boards. This is the 17th.
They will all get the exact same starting and I will see how differently they mutate.
It goes like this: I start a story with about 5 lines and whoever wants to can carry on after it, continuing until the sun explodes and we die.<P>Rules:
1.)Don't put your signature on the bottom of the post.
2.) Thats it.<P><font color="red">THE NEVER-ENDING STORY.</font><P>I was sitting in the 'Breakgooses' cafe with a giant purple dragon and a sentient coin who kept flipping himself, when suddenly the waitress walked over and...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Tue Oct 23, 2001 4:37 am

and the dragon wasn't about to take "no" for an answer. The Filipino girls were double-jointed. Even the blonde had this funny trick she could do with her tongue... but I digress.
So, I asked the coin if he could help out. Mostly I just threatened that if he didn't, he'd be going into the leper's begging cup. He reluctantly agreed and shat us out a generous handful of Thai baht.
This really seemed to please the dragon, for just then...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Tue Oct 23, 2001 8:11 am

asked, "Are you going to order something, or what?" She was a surly, fat broad and smelled vaguely of Compound-W.
"No, thank you. But, my friend here will have the tuna on whole wheat with a side of slaw". I motioned to the dragon and he let out a great fiery belch. He grinned sheepishly.
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Postby kozmo on Tue Oct 23, 2001 11:35 am

"We're out of slaw" said the waitress. "But you can have potato salad or fries instead"<P>'out of slaw' I thought with disgust. All of a sudden I wanted to be as far away from here as possible. Perhaps it was the odor of over-the-counter wart medecine or maybe it was the fact that I have been reduced to hanging out with overgrown lizards with gastro-intestinal irregularities and self concious shekels.<P>"He'll have the fries. I'll just have a burbon on the rocks." If I was going to be miserable I might as well as have a buzz.<P>Then I saw it.
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Wed Oct 24, 2001 12:18 am

she began to speak to the wizard who immediately shook his head and said, "No! That language is only for magic!" I was relieved to hear that the wizard spoke English, but that didn't stop me from wondering how the blonde with the tricky tongue could know an ancient language. It appeared there was more to her than met the eye. I made a mental note to find out what her deal was later.<P>I put a hand on the dragon to stop him from biting the wizard in half for scaring the Filipino girls away and asked the wizard, "If you want to live beyond this minute, you'd better start explaining what you were up to, coming at us waving a magic wand."<P>The wizard looked around, as if seeking an escape route, but seemed to realize that he couldn't outrun the dragon's fire. His wand was kaput and my purple friend towered over him. At last he bowed his head and looked at the ground. His skewed hat fell off and landed at his feet and I couldn't help but stare at his bald shiny head as he replied to my question, "Well, it's like this...
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Postby kozmo on Wed Oct 24, 2001 12:45 am

"...the truth is that I'm a traveler of space and time. About 4 months ago I was part of an experimental crew that traveled into wormholes. The one assigned to our ship was an espeically rough one. We emerged from the wormhole near your planet but almost 2500 years ago. We were forced to make an emergency landing and we ended up in what is the western Mediterranean with only a few pieces of equipment. Prior to the landing, our replicators created these bodies so we could blend in with the locals. However the damage sustained during the wormhole crossing caused the wardrobe matrix to be crossed with the mystic tales of the era. Thus this wizard outfit. <P>"As a linguist I was able to pick up on the local dialect as were my crew. However a magnetic storm caused our homing devices to initiate a deviation in the minactic flux. After things settled down, I became separated from my crew and found myself in this portion of you planet.<P>"That is when I noticed the bleach blonde with the tattoo...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Wed Oct 24, 2001 1:42 am

looked suspiciously like the ship's nymphomaniac assistant linguist." The wizard turned to her and spoke in a strange alien language that was reminiscent of the sound made by wild wart hogs during the rut. The rest of us were surprised when she replied back to him in this strange tongue.<P>"So, I *have* found you," the wizard said to her. Now we must begin the perilous task of...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Wed Oct 24, 2001 8:12 am

he picked up the Filipino girls and began to juggle them like they were rubber balls. It seemed like they would get queasy from being tossed around that way, but the girls were giggling like they were on a carnival ride. I had a feeling that my dragon friend was in for a carnival ride of his own. <P>Then, a wizard stepped out of a doorway and walked towards us. His hat hung at a sloppy angle and wobbled with each step as if it were ready to fall off. As he approached, he held up his wand (which I noticed was held together with a piece of duct tape) and...
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Postby kozmo on Wed Oct 24, 2001 10:16 am

...began speaking in some sort of Sumerian dialect. I would have dated it roughly at 500-300 BC. As soon as he began to wave the wand as he spoke the duct tape repair job gave way. The amulet at the top of the wand fell to the ground where it exploded in a firey conflagration. After the flame, sparks, and smoke cleared...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Wed Oct 24, 2001 10:58 am

the wizard said, "Shit!" and threw the rest of the wand to the ground. The exploding amulet caused the dragon to lose his concentration and the airborne Filipinos thumped to the ground on their shapely asses. They began cursing in Thai, and stormed off.
The dragon glowered at the wizard, who had now cost him an evening of a lifetime.
Fortunately, my blonde knew a bit of ancient Sumerian and...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Thu Oct 25, 2001 12:36 am

audition for a new comedy-drama show taped in Bangkok based on the hit Internet comic strip, "The Mr. Chuck Show". I was trying out for the role of Roscoe.<P>I turned to the blonde. "Hey, look, you're a nympho, right? I've got the Dreaded Scrotal Buildup workin' here, babe, and you've gotta help me. In return,...
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Postby kozmo on Thu Oct 25, 2001 1:06 am

"...I
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Postby kozmo on Thu Oct 25, 2001 6:24 am

"...establishing a distress beacon so we can be rescued"<P>All of this was beginning to get a little weird. I thought maybe someone dropped some Agfan opium in my dinner before we ended up at that stinky 'Breakgooses' cafe. Or maybe this Wizard joker and blonde whore were on the same stuff. At any rate I was getting a little fed up with all of it. After all, I just wanted to get laid after the fiasco of having flown half way around the world to...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Fri Oct 26, 2001 11:03 am

if we don't get busy soon, I'm gonna explode!"<P>The wizard rolled his eyes and spat, "Damn nymphos!" Meanwhile, the blonde looked at me and said, "So, you're a comedian. I've never had a comedian before. Well, there was that one time on Drxylata with the Lyzerath, but he wasn't very funny. I'll tell you what, if you can make me laugh, you can have your way with me right now."<P>Uh oh, now I was on the spot. I desperately went through my repertoire of jokes. Nothing seemed funny enough. It was like some sort of comic impotence. Finally, I said,"...
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Postby kozmo on Sat Oct 27, 2001 6:36 am

"...a Rabbi, a Priest, and Muslim Cleric were all sitting in a bar when the Cleric says..."
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Tue Oct 30, 2001 1:32 am

"...I heard a good one the other day:<P>'Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Zeke's balls." <P>"Are they that big?" asked the other. <P>"No they're this dirty."'<P>The blonde immediately burst into uproarious laughter. "C'mon," she said, "I'll help you with your 'problem'."

But, suddenly the sentient coin...
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Postby kozmo on Wed Oct 31, 2001 1:42 am

"... make your partner dress up as a librarian and issue punishment for overdue books while..."
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Wed Oct 31, 2001 2:22 am

"...playing old ABBA albums backwards at 78 rpm."<P>"The coin LIES!" I yelled. "No, seriously, the coin is capable of speaking only that which is false. Ask him if he wants to be shoved up the leper's arse."<P>She whispered again to the coin and...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Wed Oct 31, 2001 5:15 am

, looking confused, she said, "The coin answers 'no' to the question of whether he wants to be shoved up the leper's bunghole. But, if he only speaks false, that implies that he does in fact want to be shoved. Why...?"<P>She whispered to the coin again and the look of confusion deepened further. "I asked him if what you said is true -- that he can only speak that which is false. His answer was 'yes'. But if he can only speak false, then his answer of 'yes' must be false, but..." I could swear wisps of smoke were beginning to come out of her ears. Then, she just looked disgusted. "What gives? You're one of those scum who will say anything to get laid, aren't you?"<P>Uh oh, I was in deep doo-doo. The coin had to die. There was only one thing I could think to do. I...
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Postby kozmo on Wed Oct 31, 2001 11:12 am

... said "not so fast, mister".<P>At that point I wanted to take that damn coin and shove it up the leper's ass. I had to think fast...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Wed Oct 31, 2001 12:33 pm

I made a grab for the coin, but it flipped itself into the air, away from my reach. The blonde nympho linguist made a move so fast all I saw was a blur, but in an instant, the coin was in her hand. She glared at me and I had a feeling my hard-won chance at release had come and gone, so to speak.<P>She whispered to the coin and then put her ear near her hand, apparently to hear what the coin had to say. As she listened, her eyebrows raised in an expression of surprise, then they furrowed in anger. Finally, she said, "It looks like your little metal acquaintance has seen you in action when you've been afflicted with DSB. He says you like to...
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Postby Hans P. IceBat on Thu Nov 01, 2001 2:27 am

...said to the blonde, "Okay. Flip the coin. If it comes up 'heads', you head out. If it comes up 'tails', I get some tail. Agreed?"<P>She paused for a moment and then nodded. She tossed the coin into the air. Just then, I shouted, "NOW!" to the dragon. With one short, scorching blast, the coin was reduced to ashes.<P>"Tail it is..." I said, and smiled smugly. Of course, by now, the wizard had grown bored, and said...
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Postby Fritz Grosswelt on Fri Nov 02, 2001 10:45 am

, "Enough! I thought you said that Radio Shack closes soon. Can't you give in to your base desires AFTER we get whatever we need there?" Then the wizard turned to the blonde and spoke in that warthog-rutting language of theirs. At last, the blonde nodded and turned to me saying, "If you help us get back to our home, I will reward you with acts the likes of which you have never even dreamed. I'll even include your dragon friend for a little two on one. But first, you must help us."<P>I wondered what the hurry was. I mean, the wizard had said he was a time traveller. It seems that would give him some flexibility. After all, Radio Shack would still be open tomorrow... Still, the blonde seemed pretty resolved. I said, "Okay, but first you have to prove to me that helping you in return for your favors will be worth it. Give me a sample."<P>The blonde walked up to me and...
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