"I Miss Hanging Out With You..."

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"I Miss Hanging Out With You..."

Postby ArcadiaSedai on Mon Aug 06, 2007 8:50 am

Ouch!

Until now, I had always felt that Alex was just as much a victim as Candi in this whole relationship debacle. While he had been manipulated, he was also partially at fault because of his own willing blindness.

But really, this is a slap in the face. Part of the relationship problems that they had were because Candi wanted to spend so much time with him, now he pops back out with this line.

My opinion of him has just plummeted.
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Postby Tarvok on Mon Aug 06, 2007 9:52 am

So what if he does miss hanging out with her? Probably part of the problem was that he was always hanging out with her... for years. He probably started to take her for granted, and he really did need time away from her to get his work done. In addition, she is genuinely clingy, and did have expectations of him that he is not really able to fulfill right now.

However, now that he's been away from her for a while, he misses what he used to have. I'm willing to bet that what he wishes is that they could still be together, just a bit more loosely. He wants a relationship in which she thinks of their relationship as just one of his responsibilities, and not the primary one.

It's not a slap in the face. It's a simple statement of fact. And if you look at his face, there's a sort of hopeful, maybe a bit embarrassed look there. He's not trying to hurt her.

Of course, that doesn't mean it's a good idea, just that he's having the same feelings she is.
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Postby Sage Blackthorn on Mon Aug 06, 2007 10:01 am

Oh I dunno. If I liked someone who was dating someone else, then they broke up, I'd wait the customary two weeks and then take the opportunity to let them know I cared about them and they had an open invitation to go out with me, no pressure, just to see where things go.

I found it rather sweet to tell the truth. At least Alex said "Hey, I miss you" rather than saying nothing and pining over Candi like a grade-schooler with a crush who doesn't have the nerve to speak his heart. I remember when I was in 7th grade, I was standing behind this absolutely beautiful raven-haired goddess in line at the snack bar. She turned around, our eyes locked and she took my breath away.......literally. I was so freaked out all I could say is "What?". I've always wondered how my life would've gone if I'd had the presence of mind to say "My gods you're the most beautiful girl I've ever met, would you like go out to the movies Friday night?" I can sympathize with Alex. Being overwhelmed by feelings for someone can sometimes prevent you from thinking straight.

Most all relationship problems stem from lack of communication and fear of loosing the other person. People don't talk to each other because they are afraid to piss their boyfriend or girlfriend off. It's easier to just keep quiet and maintain the illusion that everything is great and wonderful. But then resentment creeps in over time. The relationship turns sour, and eventually they break up. All because they weren't open and honest about their wants and needs to each other. I find the more honest I am with my girlfriend, the better we get along. She surprises me most of the time by not getting pissed off at me, but saying "You think that way two?! I was so afraid it was just me and I was afraid to admit it to you! I thought I might scare you off!" In the end it's really silly, we both don't say anything, because we're both afraid of offending the other and it turns out we agree on any given subject about 85% of the time.

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Postby Prismaya on Mon Aug 06, 2007 6:48 pm

I've totally been in Candi's position before. This comic describes it perfectly. I was in love with an ex that I had been with for three years, and after we broke up we took some space apart. Then because he was so used to talking to me for so long, when he did see me, he said something just like this. I was still sappily in love with the guy, so I assigned much more meaning to it than I should've.

I ended up getting my hopes up, and soon found myself severely disappointed.

Candi is far more clingy than I ever was, so I can't imagine this ending well. :-|
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Postby ArcadiaSedai on Tue Aug 07, 2007 5:53 am

Granted, Alex is not doing this out of spite or meanness. And I dont doubt that he misses Candi at all, its just that its a bit soon to be coming out and saying he wants to hang out when that was one of the sore spots that caused a break in the relationship. Sort of a "You broke up with me because you didnt want me around so much and now you want to hang out?" reaction.
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Postby charcoallungs02 on Tue Aug 07, 2007 7:54 am

That's true. That was the sore point in the relationship. Candi was a bit too clingy but Alex have some guts and say, we need a talk. I'm sure that if they talked about this beforehand then their relationship wouldn't have taken the turn it has. Him saying that isn't exactly a slap in the face, but it can either be taken one of two ways. 1) She says she misses hanging out with him too and it ends well. Or 2) She takes that and gets angry about it because he didn't want to hang out with her and now that they're broken up he does.

I'm not sympathetic towards Alex because I feel that he was stringing her along, though not one purpose. He knew that breaking up with her was a long time coming, but he didn't say anything. Remember when they got into a fight and he said he can't see marrying her. And that she's not marrying material. If you're with someone for 3 years and you aren't interested in marriage, then what are you? Just interested in a long good time, it was fun while it lasted? And if you know that beforehand, you need to tell her that's how you feel. It's bull-crap to do otherwise.
I agree with you Sage, being honest to each other is the best way. People don't talk enough and that's were their's trouble.
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Postby Ostracee on Tue Aug 07, 2007 5:22 pm

You know, I can't blame him for the sentiment, but...that was a horrible way to say it, at least having been the one to end the relationship. It sounds so...remorseful. A bad kind of remose; you know what I mean?
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Postby Tarvok on Tue Aug 07, 2007 6:49 pm

charcoallungs02 wrote:I'm not sympathetic towards Alex because I feel that he was stringing her along, though not one purpose. He knew that breaking up with her was a long time coming, but he didn't say anything. Remember when they got into a fight and he said he can't see marrying her. And that she's not marrying material. If you're with someone for 3 years and you aren't interested in marriage, then what are you? Just interested in a long good time, it was fun while it lasted? And if you know that beforehand, you need to tell her that's how you feel. It's bull-crap to do otherwise.
I agree with you Sage, being honest to each other is the best way. People don't talk enough and that's were their's trouble.


I disagree strongly with this analysis.

Understand that, while the idea of marriage is a very neato idea to some people, for a lot of guys, it is a scary concept. And those Alex's age who are not scared of the idea really don't have a clue.

He didn't say she wasn't wife material, period. He said she wasn't wife material YET. Now, maybe this was a rude way to put it, but she kind of boxed him in a corner on the subject, and this is Alex we're talking about. How could she expect anything else from him? And he's right. He would be a fool to marry her today, based upon her... and his... maturity level alone.

Look at it from his perspective. He's got a lot of years of school left, school that is only going to get more and more intense as the years go by... and she's already demonstrated that she lacks the emotional maturity to give him the space he needs to do his work (a very important thing, for a man). What's going to happen if the guy ends up spending a few years on a pager, running off to the hospital at odd hours, and he's having to pry her off him as she screams "BUT I NEED YOU NOW!" If they do get married, it'll probably be at least five years in the future. She might have simply been looking for an emotional affirmation, but when she put the question to him, he actually considered the question practically. Who can say what will happen in five years? And how much more hurt would she end up if things didn't end up working out, and she's thinking "But he said he'd marry me!"

Sure, Alex is tactless. Better tactless than dishonest, if that is the choice you're given in life... and not everybody has the gift of gab.
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Postby LXIX on Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:47 pm

Ostracee wrote:You know, I can't blame him for the sentiment, but...that was a horrible way to say it, at least having been the one to end the relationship. It sounds so...remorseful. A bad kind of remose; you know what I mean?



I agree with this completely. Not only does he sound rather remorseful, as though he is saying this for his own peace of mind, but it practically makes him a hypocrite.

Can't you just leave the poor girl alone? You broke up with her based on the fact that you "needed space to concentrate on academics"- only to most likely pursue a sexual relationship with little ol' Linda on the side (which Candi knows absolutely nothing about), and you have to lead Candi on like that? Obviously his choice term "family" will definitely be misconstrued by her.

He is a selfish bastard. He wants to disallow Candi ANY opportunity to search for future boyfriends, as her feelings for him will return- YET, he does not intend to reignite the old flame between them.

Also, "I'll call you when I'M free", doesn't show any regard for Candi's schedule whatsoever (although, most likely, she will be available).

No, he will hang out with Candi by day, and shamefully bone Linda by night.
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Postby charcoallungs02 on Tue Aug 07, 2007 9:35 pm

LXIX: I agree with you to a point. I don't think that he's trying to sabotage any future boyfriends that she may have, but it's wayyy too soon for them to be friends again.
I can understand wanting to be friends after a lot of time has passed, especial if you hung out a lot before dating. But this is way too soon to even be asking such a thing. He should know her by now and should know how she might take this. Especially the kiss on the cheek. That was too much.
I don't think that he's really thinking about how Candi will react to all this and instead is relived that she isn't angry at him as Linda described.

Tarvok: You have an excellent point and your post said a lot that I didn't consider.
That wasn't the best example, and I can see how he might have thought about this.
It's just sad that he didn't talk to her about being too clingy (and I mean sit down a really say something) except during a fight or after sex. If it really bothers you, say something. Things won't get better if nothing is said. And while not everyone has the gift of gab, if you really care about the person and the relationship you're in and you see a problem then you should say something instead of letting it die. No one is a mind reader and you shouldn't expect them to be.
If he did say something then maybe things would have been put into perspective for the both of them. And heck, they would both be on the same page and know where they stand. I think then if they broke up it would have been mutual.
But who knows, it could have went the same route no matter what.
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Postby ArcadiaSedai on Wed Aug 08, 2007 6:50 am

charcoallungs02 wrote:... People don't talk enough and that's were their's trouble.


I would like to quote my favorite piece of anime apparel when I say "Speaking is not communication". People talk, Alex did almost nothing but talk in the last days of their relationship. but he wasnt communicating what he really felt till it was too late.

The art of communication has been lost to us for a very long time.
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Postby LXIX on Wed Aug 08, 2007 9:50 am

Sorry, I need to clarify something, I did not mean that Alex wants to purposely deny Candi any opportunity to seek future boyfriends, but by reappearing so suddenly in life, she has not had the space she needed to move on (with the broken relationship).

They should not be hanging out until both of them are emotionally sound.

All I know is that Candi will overestimate the kiss Alex gave her, decide to drop by at his dorm, only to find Linda answering the door in her skivvies.

It's the moment I've been waiting for.
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Postby Azerisii on Thu Aug 09, 2007 2:36 pm

Great goddess the EGS style debates are finding there way over here. Hehe.

Most of the small things that you complain about in a relationship, are the things you miss the most when they are gone. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I think Alex honestly does miss hanging out with Candi. I think he realises that he kinda took her for granted, which doesnt make him a better person, but at least he still has a heart.
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Postby who? on Thu Aug 09, 2007 3:20 pm

Tarvok wrote:So what if he does miss hanging out with her? Probably part of the problem was that he was always hanging out with her... for years. He probably started to take her for granted, and he really did need time away from her to get his work done. In addition, she is genuinely clingy, and did have expectations of him that he is not really able to fulfill right now.

However, now that he's been away from her for a while, he misses what he used to have. I'm willing to bet that what he wishes is that they could still be together, just a bit more loosely. He wants a relationship in which she thinks of their relationship as just one of his responsibilities, and not the primary one.

It's not a slap in the face. It's a simple statement of fact. And if you look at his face, there's a sort of hopeful, maybe a bit embarrassed look there. He's not trying to hurt her.

Of course, that doesn't mean it's a good idea, just that he's having the same feelings she is.


Great goddess the EGS style debates are finding there way over here. Hehe.

Most of the small things that you complain about in a relationship, are the things you miss the most when they are gone. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I think Alex honestly does miss hanging out with Candi. I think he realises that he kinda took her for granted, which doesnt make him a better person, but at least he still has a heart.


I AGREE WITH THESE TWO POSTS FULLY

Sorry, caps :nervous:
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Postby Tarvok on Thu Aug 09, 2007 5:29 pm

Okay, reading today's installment... NOW he's a bastard. He doesn't just not have a clue, he isn't even trying!

I mean, I can kind of see what he's trying to do here... even if he can't. He wants to stay in touch with her, is trying to craft the kind of relationship he wants out of the situation. He's just not doing it honestly. He could be in denial. Or he could just plain not care about her feelings. I prefer the first answer, because I still kind of like the guy.

Then again, he could genuinely want to move on to a regular friendship with her. I think he will now learn (as all of us do, at some point) that it takes a very long time for someone to recover from a breakup like that.

Hmm... none of that post agrees with the rest of it. I guess I'm just confused about what he's trying to do here. My gut says, he's a bastard, but my gut has been known to be wrong.
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Postby LXIX on Thu Aug 09, 2007 7:53 pm

The only problem I have is that he is honestly toying with her emotions.
I know this is repetitive, but he has no intention to reignite their flame, and in a sense, is kind of robbing her of the space she deserves to move on, and potentially seek a new mate.

At that point is when they should see each other more frequently.
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Postby who? on Thu Aug 09, 2007 9:37 pm

I still have doubts that he's toyying with her dilibretly.
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Postby Brian on Thu Aug 09, 2007 9:39 pm

who? wrote:I still have doubts that he's toyying with her dilibretly.


I've got to agree. He's a bit of an ass, but aside from tricking her into making rice once, he hasn't exactly acted devious before.
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Postby LXIX on Thu Aug 09, 2007 10:32 pm

I didn't necessarily mean that he was deliberately acting devious.
But hey, I have no doubt in my mind that he has been hanging out with Linda, and maybe she has rubbed off on him (no pun intended :-P).
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